Liberals treat dogs like people, Conservatives treat people like dogs

Thursday, June 16

Friday Fives

This week, Roy phones in our fives with less passion than the new Coldplay album. Needless to say, Roy and I are no longer speaking... and I slashed his tires about 45 minutes ago. Do you readers know what I do for you? He was a best friend... and I just keyed his stupid Ford Taurus because I was concerned you would be disappointed in our content. So, I lose a best friend... and you don't even call anymore. No wonder why I am still in therapy. So, I ditched them in favor of these:

1. Have any exciting summer plans?

Nothing huge, like... leaving the state. Camping and horse races mostly figure on the horizon. The house is in a really great place after a lot of money and effort invested... so I don't have any bummer home improvement plans (that never get done anyway). Am heading to Phoenix for a week or two at the very end of the summer to see beautiful newborn nephew Brayden and rock at the annual band party in Northern AZ.

2. What's the best summer vacation you've ever taken?

hmmm, last summer's was pretty damn great... and possibly the best ever. Me and the wife took two weeks off for an epic roadtrip that took us to see the Great Salt Flats, Lake Tahoe, San Francisco, Portland, Seattle, whale watching, Glacier National Park... and along the way caught up with our old college roommates for good times and squeezed in a Dead show with the Allman Brothers at the Gorge for the 4th of July. Yeah, makes your stupid vacation story look pretty stupid if you ask me.

3. Would we be more likely to see you lounging by a pool or out water skiing?

water skiing? Why would I do that? I have already had one knee surgery, that's enough for now. Plus, how do you hold a foo foo drink with all that skiing and splashing? No sir, you can find me on the beach with some expensive Pina Colada in a coconut sorta thing.

4. Will you be putting on a swimsuit this season?

Not really, for a number of reasons. One is that there isn't really swimming in Denver, too damn cold. Next is that growing up in Phoenix meant swimming almost every single day of the summer. See, your choices are limited when its 120 degrees outside from 10 am to midnight for months. Know how people in the East have snow days? We had days where the school was shut down for days or weeks because the air conditioning was broken. Everyhing you hear about the heat in Phoenix is very real. That is why I moved out after high school (and several poorly timed indictments). That being said, swim trunks were simply whatever shorts we were wearing. Swimming in Phoenix is a lifestyle. This is why I expect an epic and fabulous pool party from my brother Scotty when I visit in August. I mean, seriously people... I am going to see his stupid kid, right?

But that isn't the real question here, is it? The real question is a body image question. You wanna know if I feel comfortable in public in skivvies. Guess what, no one over 20 years old does, so I ain't fallin' for it. You'll be happy to know I am working out a great deal and have more muscle than fat. Don't worry, I ain't hot or nothin... just much less dumpy than I was.

I do have a fitness goal though, and it isn't to look hot in a bathing suit. Nope, what I want to be able to drop the beer gut for is to wear overalls. You know, those osh kosh bgosh things that make it impossible to pee easily? Yes, that is what I want to look good in. I am on track, and hope to be able to sport a pair for the big band jam on Labor Day. 5. If you could take a summer vacation anywhere, for 3 weeks, where would you go, and why?

simple, Mexico. Anywhere coastal. Mexico is where my heart is. Mexico is the most beautiful place on the planet, with the most wonderful people on the planet. Plus, you can get a 13 year old hooker for like $20. Mexico is where I hope to live out my years at the end. I'll be the crazy guy in the hut at the beach who plays guitar and tells dirty jokes.

Monday, June 13

That reminds me

of a joke. There is this girl and guy who are seeing each other. The girl says to the guy, "I want to break up with you." Guy says, "Why". Girl says "because I think you are a pedophile." Guy says, "Pedophile? That's an awfully big word for a 12 year old."