Liberals treat dogs like people, Conservatives treat people like dogs

Friday, March 24

Friday Fives

1. When was the last time you came unraveled?

I can think of a time a few years ago. I got unraveled not mad, but sad. Crying jag sotra thing. To embarrassing to detail. Men don't cry. As far as you are concerned, neither do I.

2. When is the last time you accepted a dare?

I am not much of a dare guy. I mean, if you hit me with this question in high school, I could regale you tales for days. Now, everything is very good. There is no point in messing that up with unnecessary risk. Ok, I killed a hooker last week. Big deal. Mostly though... I am pretty square.

3. What's one language you wish you knew fluently?

I wish I knew Spanish better. I can speak it, and definately get by. However, my skills are depleting because I don't go to Mexico every summer like I used to. I love Mexico. Spread my ashes there.

4 If you were to design a new condiment, what would it be?

It would be a mayonaise based product. There would be like a spicy ranch flavor too. Maybe dehydrated onion and chipotle. So, it would be sweeet and spicy. Perhaps a dash of horseradish too.

5. If a tape or CD were stuck in your car stereo, what would it be?

these days I am listening almost exclusively to Van Morrison and the Grateful Dead. I don't use tapes or CDs anymore, though. Everything goes through the iPod. Also, I listen to NPR when I drive... because apparently I am an 80 year old librarian.

Monday, March 20

I need a new job

Not that this job isn't great, because it is. I have ambition though, and it isn't to be a lawnmower technician all my life. I want to be unaccountable. I mean, epically unaccountable. I want a job where I am wrong every day. Even better, I want to be a celebrity for doing it. I want little children to look up to me. I want my own standing booth at Village Inn. I am talking about mojo!

I am going to lie all day and all night, and people are going to love me. Have you guessed? I want to be your weatherman. I want to go into work every day and have a completely different story. Better yet, many of you already are doing that. I want to have a completely different story and have that be OK. I want to be your weatherman.

Imagine if my boss said "Lono, how many lawnmower blades did you order?" and I say "300, sir" and then 13 show up. Then I say "well, that is what the models were showing me." I got fired twice for doing that in Arizona. You just can't be that far off without consequences. They fired Dan Rather for implying GW Bush was a draft dodger who skimmed out on the National Guard. It was true, but they still ran him out. Al Roker messed up Denver weather every single day. Somehow, this is ok with weather folk... and it becomes ok with us. Yesterday, a storm was headed for Denver. They said the sky was falling, and it was dire.... DIRE I say. Expect ten to fourteen inches of snow for your morning commute. In fact, just leave now for work. That was the gist all weekend on the news.

We got 2 inches. That wouldn't be a concern, if the weatherfolk handed in their resignation letters today. Also, am waiting for a public apology... which has yet to materialize. At press time, I have a hole in my family room where I prepared a woodburning fire. Guess what, my power never went out and I have destroyed the first level of my apartment. You don't even wanna know what the folks downstairs think. Since they are on TV, I bet they are paid pretty well too.