I am going into rehab*, just in case

This is the first step in recovery, announcing it. I don't even think you have to go to rehab, but you certainly have to tell people you are. That is what is totally awesome. The first, middle, and last step of recovery is announcing you are going to rehab. See, I read today that Brittney Spears is in rehab. Why? I think because she showed her vag. Me? I am staunchly pro-vag showing in public, but I am not in charge of these things. This is why I too need to go to rehab. Last month, that actor from Grey's Anatomy called his co-star a 'fag'. He did this in front of the whole cast and cameras, so it was tough to deny. Yet, genius went on TV the very next week and said 'I never called him a 'fag'. Needless to say, this isn't how you show sensitivity. So, the actor announced he was going to enter rehab... seriously. Isiah Washington entered himself into rehab for calling his co-worker a 'fag'. While I am not proud of it, I have certainly used that term as well. For me, though, it was never a reference to sexuality or hate. It is just bad Gen X slang I am trying to shake. Specifically, something like this might be said "You drank my last beer, you fag". This is not acceptable use of the vernacular, and I am not justifying it... just explaining it. For this reason, I am going to enter rehab. See, the reason are you aren't supposed to say that 'f' word isn't because you aren't supposed to say that 'f' word. The reason why you don't use that word is because it is hurtful, derogatory, and totally unnecessary. Ah, never mind the explanation... just stop using that term (same goes for 'retard'). Stop using it, and then tell people you were in rehab. Case closed!

Last week, defrocked and humiliated Reverend Ted Haggard announced he was just out of rehab. What was he being in rehab for? Being gay. True story, he went to rehab to degay and wanted everyone to know it worked. I am not gay, but certainly wouldn't kick Eddie Vedder out of bed, if you know what I mean. Clearly, I need to go to rehab as well.

Lindsay Lohan was in rehab this fall, but not for alcohol or drugs. Nope, her mommy said Lindsay didn't do drugs or alcohol. So, what was Lindsay Lohan in rehab for? 'Exhaustion'. Shit, I am tired much of the time, too. Getting out of bed sucks, especially on Mondays. Surely, rehab will fix that. No matter what you did, rehab will fix it. Well, actually it won't. Change has to come from inside. Rehab won't fix anything you aren't willing to address and change from the inside. Real rehabilitation takes a lifetime and is very painful work. However, telling people you are going to rehab is totally easier. Also works at work. See, if you do something stupid at work... just tell your boss you are going to rehab. See, once you do that... you are a protected class as a disability. Once you are a protected class, you are untouchable! It totally rocks.

Keep count now, because this is valuable info. If you are gay (Haggard), or not gay (Washington)...telling folks you are going into rehab can fix it. Like showing vag in public? You need not put on underwear... just to go rehab. Like not going out and drinking? Rehab will fix that, rehab will fix you, and it already about to fix me. Oh, I forgot about this one? Hate jews? I mean, really hate jews? There is a way to fix that... tell people you are going to rehab and they will forgive. Mel Gibson announced he was going to rehab after blaming all the world's problems on the jews. Remember Kramer from Seinfeld? Dude totally snapped and dropped more N bombs than a Chris Rock set, but then mentioned if this were another time they would all be hung. I mean, rather serious hate. Yeah, Richards announced he was doing rehab too, so I guess it doesn't count that he is a raging hateful racist.

I am not even going to discuss again what happened with the leaders of Colorado State University and the 'C' word (yes, that C word), but you can read about it here.

See, personal development is totally gay. Bettering yourself as a human through relationships and compassion sounds like a bunch of jew talk. Wearing panties is for a bunch of pussies. This is America, and if you want to be forgiven for anything, just tell us you are going to rehab, fag.

* bonus info - you need no actually go to rehab. Just stay out of the clubs for three weeks. That is all you have to do.

** urgent update > hours after this brilliant and scathing piece of genius was posted Britney Spears totally snapped. Maybe she read this piece, and I have to accept responsibility for that. She is now out of rehab (after a 12 hours stint), shaved her head, and has several neck tatoos. I couldn't even make this stuff up, folks. You can get away with a LOT of shit when you are hot and rich. Brit (I can call her that, you can't) will soon be neither.

Friday Fives

1. What’s the longest time you’ve spent standing?

I don't remember. As I find things like that terribly unpleasant, I block them out. The toughest thing I remember doing regarding my legs was flying across the country with a broken ankle. I had crutches, but they couldn't give me any kind of special seating... or even an aisle. Of course, I was at the window in the back of the plane. Know how skinny those aisles are? Wait until you do it in crutches. Also, because the crutches were long, they had to take them from me after I sat down and stow them up front. So, hope you don't have to go to the bathroom or escape a plane crash in the next five hours.

2. What makes you afraid?

uncertainty, spiders, and bees.

3. Would You Rather… die in a car crash- or -die in plain crash?

Neither! Ha, suck it Nall! Ok ok, I would choose the plain crash because you would die quickly and wouldn't feel anything. In a car crash, you would live for a few hours. Plus, there is a myth that the rapid decompression of the plane as it descends would make you pass out. So, no ouchie... right?

Sidebar: A few years ago we flew to London and they gave us the obligatory speach on water landings. Go ahead and reference a globe right now, I will wait. The chance of a 'water landing' is not that far off, really. We were in the most excellent and favoritest plane of mine... the 777. This plane's cruising speed is over 700 miles an hour. It's cruising altitude is high, like miles up.

A plane hitting the water at over 700 miles an hour at a 45 degree bank isn't what I would call a 'water landing'. It is what I would call 'crashing into the ocean at over 700 miles per hour. Also, this is the Atlantic. That is the thing with icebergs that took down the Titanic. This isn't the Pacific, which is good times Gilligan's Island.

4. Do you like to spy on people?

I like to spy on news more than people. Does that make sense? I am hooked on news.google.com which scours several hundred news sources every minute for text. Whereas the regular google only catalogues and caches about once a week. I could write an article for Blogcritics that says Reverend Ted Haggard caught feasting on Asian babies, and it would be instantly searchable to the world. Of course, I wouldn't do that because Rev Haggard was actually caught eating Vietnamese babies. Mostly, I use it to find out if Axl is ever going to finish that album.

5. What line won’t you cross?

the equator. Aw come on, that was funny! Tell you what, here is a phrase I prefer to think I live by: Integrity is what you do when no one is looking.

Peace, and have a great weekend. See you at Pete's tomorrow night.