Friday Fives

1. Do you like it when I do this?

very much so

2. What are your hidden charges?

none, brother. Just a kind word.

3. Why don't people go to the bathroom on TV?

Who cares, man? I don't know the answer to that, but I'll tell you what I do know about bathrooms... since that seems to be your immediate concern. If I wasn't married, and could build any idea I wanted, I'd do this. Firstly, install a male urinal. Second, install a tv with cable int e bathroom. Next, one of those little dorm fridges in the bathroom, too. Yup, there wouldn't be any need to leave... ever. I could get one of those work from home jobs.

4. When do you get up?

about ten minutes after I was supposed to. As you may know, I have major issues with this. I really really like to sleep. Thing is this, I don't like to go to sleep. No, if I had any sense I would be in bed now. It is that when I do finally get to sleep I never want to get up.

I may have mentioned this in a previous post, but I have another awesome vision that I would execute if I were single... a bedroom that is wall to wall bed. See, with me and the wife and two huge dogs... there is simply no room. We have three bedroom in the house. Who needs all that? Not us. I mean, one of the rooms is the cat's... but if I did the whole room bed thing... cat could stay with us there.

I kind of expected applause about this point, for my vision. Instead, all I hear from you is a deafening silence. Indeed, this is why I would have to be single to execute all of this goodness. See, my wife thinks these are as dumb as you do. Thanks for your support on that one, team!

5. What does it taste like?

You'll have to ask my wife. Hot damn that was good, eh? Believe it or not, folks > in order to create genuine and honest answers, I read these questions only as I respond to them. You are getting real time answers from me, as if in conversation. If you are a long time reader, you know the Fives are far from thought out.

This week's Fives brought to you, as almost always, by my great friend and mentor Roy... who for this week's questions shall be referred to as 'gay Roy' until we straighten out his real intentions with this line of questioning.

a criminal mastermind

I thought y'all might find this interesting. I certainly did. You may have heard in the news cycle > that pizza delivery guy who had a bomb collar around his neck who was forced to rob banks was involved in the robberies. This is a strange piece of info, if you consider the bomb went off and killed the guy. So, why would you put a totally functional bomb around your neck for any reason? If I am the bomb robbery guy (seen above) I would make a dummy bomb for me. That is why we have to assume this poor guy was just a rube, a patsy, a 'mark'.

Guess what, that is the least weird part of the story... so we'll just skip that question. If you dig deeper, this is a story about Marjorie Diehl-Armstrong. See, Marge wanted to kill her father. The whole story revolves around that point. Marge didn't want to personally kill her father, though. Instead, she wanted to hire someone to kill her father.

Guess what, it hasn't even gotten strange yet.

So, she was explaining this to her boyfriend at the time, James Roden. Roden was understandably freaked out by this idea, and threatened to go to the cops. So, Marge killed him. She is in jail right now for that crime, to which she confessed . Now, before she got caught for killing her boyfriend... she still had the 'kill the father' dilemma.

She needed cash to hire someone to kill her father. So, she hatched a bank robbbery plan involving a bomb. She had a guy go around and rob banks with a bomb around his neck. There was a problem with collecting the robbery bootie. The guy robbing the banks for her got blown up by the bomb. * actual newscap above

This is my question, in order to kill her father... she instead killed her boyfriend and some rube who helped with the robberies. Clearly, she doesn't have an issue with murder. Note, her father is still alive. So, why didn't she just kill her father herself? That way, the guy she wants dead would be dead and the others would still be alive.

Or, let's look at this angle. Why is a 46 year old dude delivering pizzas?

That's not fair!

What's not fair, you ask? Apparently, the treatment John Mark Karr receives from society, says his girlfriend. Let's back up, shall we? Karr is most famous for confessing to have murdered little John Benet Ramsey. He confessed on the other side of the world (where he had been convicted for child sex crimes... and was a teacher)... and we flew him back here to Colorado first class for a DNA test. Turns out he didn't kill her, according to DNA. So, dude gets released and heads home to Atlanta. *Note Atlanta is where the Ramsey family lives now. It's early, but let's sum up. John Karr is a pedophile. John Karr claimed to rape and murder a little girl. He signed the confession. Weird? No, what is really weird is that dude has a girlfriend. How does the world's most famous pedophile have a girlfriend? She is also his great defender... or maybe she is super dumb. See her words from this weekend:

Parks often prove adventurous, as the couple is routinely greeted by dirty looks or curse words, she said.

Translation? "People are big meanies to my delusionally murderous pedophile boyfriend". So, you may wonder why he and his gal were in the news this weekend. Well, Karr got arrested for beating up his father. Dude is a fatherbeater. WTF is that about? Well, girlfriend says he is just 'misunderstood.

He's not a pedophile. He's not a child molester," she said. "He's not out there lurking for children. He's not a creep. He's a mild-mannered, nurturing, intelligent man."

So, Karr's girlfriend... do you think he did all that stuff he keeps getting arrested for? Simmons said they discuss the Ramsey case, but she insists she doesn't want to know whether he had any involvement in the killing.

"I want to separate our relationship from that," she said. "I tell him I don't want to hear anything about it. But no, I don't believe he's a violent person."

Oh yeah, it'll be separate. It will be separate when he separates your limbs and head from your torso. Run, girl, run!

Listen here, world media and people of Atlanta. Stop it! Apparently, it is time y'all stop portraying Mark Karr as a convicted pedophile, delusional murderer, and father beater. He is instead a "mild-mannered, nurturing, and intelligent man".