Friday Fives

1. What are your favorite magazines, including the embarrassing ones? Rolling Stone -which gets worse every year. Carlos put it best when he called it 'people magazine for hipsters'. Also like Playboy a lot... and for the articles. They have really good writing, and the naked women in between certainly don't hurt things. I started getting a free subscription to US World News, which is the biggest piece of Republican shit on the market to mask itself as journalism. I'd cancel the subscription, but my cat needs somewhere to aim when he craps. 2. What is the funniest thing you have ever said? tough to say, I am a funny guy. This is one I have been sadly proud of. After eating a terrible breakfast at the Waffle House in Parker... I came up with a new name for the place - the Awful House. Is milk shooting out your nose yet? Lemme think on that one, and get back to you. My writing gets a little better every day... so go through the archives and read some pieces and I promise you'll laugh. It's not like you're working right now. 3. What is the best movie you have NEVER seen this year. Monster - with hottie Charlize Theron as crazed serial murderer Eileen Wurnos. It's in the Netflix queue. I don't see movies in the theatres unless it is something HUGE... like Lord of the Rings. I am a cheap bastard. 4. If you were a boardgame, which one would you be? Dunno. I like Cranium, because you use all your faculties to play it. So, let's just say Cranium... though it sounds a bit nerdy don't you think? Oh well, what do you expect from a 32 year old virgin? If I had any friends, I imagine we'd play Cranium all the time. 5. Tell us how to make your favorite sandwich. Pay close attention here, folks. You might want to print this one out and bring it to Safeway. Yes, Safeway is in the sammich business and there is no need for you to keep going to Subway. Start with white bread, mayo both sides lightly. Turkey & Roast Beef, should be ruffled to give sammich body. Lettuce & tomato of course. Provolone on top, plus some sprouts (which are very tough to get these days because of health concerns). Now here is the topper, and it is critical - Italian dressing (or any kind of vinaigrette). It gives flavor and punch to the sammich. As Roy says: Here, go, do! via Roy

The best bad movie ever

Good news folks, the best bad movie ever is finally coming out on DVD! How best bad is it? Well, the movie was made in 1987 and it is just getting pressed to DVD for June 1st. Welcome Back Kotter episodes have been rushed to the market quicker than this flick. The movie in question (because to call it a film would be an insult to filmmakers) is Summer School with Mark Harmon. Let's take a quick look at some of my favorite moments in dialogue - scene > Mark Harmon sitting with his golden retriever sharing a jar of peanut butter on the porch "You know what we need Wondermutt? I mean, besides bread... a woman who appreciates us!" I already have June 1st set aside to buy this gem. One can only assume it won't be more than $14, and my guess is that it won't be in letterbox. Do yourself a favor and watch this gem. Wait, don't even bother to spend the $3 to rent it. Come over to my place and we'll watch it on the home theatre (what a waste of surround sound, this movie was made for $47). Bring a lot of beer, you'll need it to stomach some of Kirstie Alley's best bad acting (this was back when she was hot). In order to personally further Harmon's acting career (cause law dramas are beneath him), I think I'll post this whole piece up to Amazon. I am sure they will all be eternally grateful. * Update - amazon is listing it already as 5 star review, and yet it retails for $12.99 new. Now you see why I don't much go to the movies. Shit, for $12.99 I can't even go see a movie with my servants. Plus, last time I got drunk at the theatre things didn't go well. I guess you can't just pause the movie every 15 minutes for a pee break, well you can at my house, baby! Next up on the wish list of great bad movies... Anthony Edwards in the classic, brilliant, and barely watchable 'Gotcha', which has still not been pressed to DVD. Because you have been so good, you get a bonus dialogue chunk Judge: "Can I see your ID, son? Now, you are telling me you were a black Vietnam veteran in 1966?" Chainsaw, a 16 year old lanky white kid: "yes sir, a war puts a man through many changes" * congratulations to me on my 100th post. Do me a solid and skip the first 60ish

You must try this

Alright, it's been a while since I made my favorite dip... traditionally a football thing. It is a spinach artichoke cream type dip. It's the same thing every chain restaurant in the nation makes. Mine is about 100 times better, I swear to you. After scoping a bunch of recipes from around the internet... I ditched them all and I developed my own from scratch. This dip is really good, and will cost you about $6 to buy everything ($8, if you shop at Albertsons), and the presentation will impress the hell out of your friends... er, friend. Note the first two ingredients are really the key to the whole thing... and adjustable. As long as your mayo equals exactly your cream cheese, everything else is negotiable. The Baron's Artichoke & Spinach dip 1 cup mayo (generic is fine) 1 cup cream cheese (generic is fine, but don't buy light) 1 clove garlic minced 1 pinch kosher salt (trust me, table salt doesn't cut it for cooking) 1 pinch fresh cracked pepper (cracked pepper, the kind you have to grind) ¼ teaspoon fresh lemon juice (ok, I have one of the plastic lemon juice things - I don't' even know what is in there...) 1/3 cup frozen diced spinach (way easier to deal with than fresh Spinach) 2 tablespoons grated parm (or whatever white cheese you dig) 1 cup diced artichokes (marinated artichoke hearts, Costco) 1 loaf sheepherder's bread put oven at about 375 mix all the ingredients and stir stir stir in a metal dish (A say stir thrice because that cream cheese is a pain in the ass to deal with at first) It doesn't hurt to let the fixins sit overnight in the fridge so the flavors can co-mingle hollow out the sheepherder's loaf so it is like a bowl empty the dip mix into the bread bowl (saving the top you just took off. Put that in a baggy for later dippin'. The bread is infinitely better than chips for this) put the bread bowl filled with dip in the oven on a cookie sheet for about 30 minutes (until the peaks of the dip are brown and the dip is gently bubbling). Don't sweat this detail. Nothing needs to be cooked here, we are just heating it up and melting the cheese. Plus, it looks and tastes amazing when browned. Now go and impress the shit out of your friend. If you want a super bonus presentation tip... take some heirloom tomatoes from your garden (or your neighbors if necessary) and half them. Place the halves on top of the dip. Serve on a big plate with pieces of the top that you saved and tortilla chips scattered. Now, soak up the admiration and take credit for everything. When we get closer to fall football season, I'll turn you on to my award winning Chili. * Don't you microwave this. I am serious, If you want to microwave it just go to Chili's and order there you lazy bastard. You white bread corporate hack! Why are you such a robot? Just forget it, ok... you already broke my heart and missed the whole point of cooking altogether.

Ah crap, I liked him

Y'all remember Gary Sinise, don't ya? He was a great actor. He worked under the radar I guess, but you would know his face. He looks like someone who could be in every Tarantino movie... but somehow isn't. Think of a good looking version of Steve Buscemi. All the talent, none of the freakishly ugly facial features. I have to say I was a great fan of Sinise as a character actor because he was in the best movie ever made, Forrest Gump. Yes sir, that Lietenant Dan taught us alot about keeping our feet dry, figthing god on a shrimp boat, and most of all... ourselves. Anyhow, I am bummed because I just found out he gave up acting. Gary Sinise just walked away from the whole craft cold, with no explanation. He did this at exactly 9 pm Denver time, and he will be missed.