Liberals treat dogs like people, Conservatives treat people like dogs

Thursday, September 14

Friday Fives

1. It is the fall television season. What are your favorite shows. (And, no, you don't get to bow out with some fancy "I don't watch teevee, I am far to busy - that's BS, I know most of you - give it up what's your secret television indulgence?)

A long long long time ago, I used to get excited for the Sopranos. However, they make seasons like Boston makes albums. For those of you out there who are not rock snobs, that means once every 10 years. I am sick of waiting years and years for a ten episode season. I am over the Sopranos. That being said, the following shows will be automatically recorded and religiously watched on the DVR: Lost, The Office, My name is Earl, the Amazing Race. Other things I don't miss > anything by Alton Brown, Mythbusters, and I watch every single SNL.

2. I dig Fall and the autumn season. What's your favorite part about fall?

the heat finally subsiding here in Denver. We don't have AC, so July and August can get pretty punishing. I also like about fall... friggin everything! The trees turn colors, pro Football starts, the air feels funny, the Rockies just a few miles away turn white as they reach into the sky, and also because I have an excuse for being pasty and fat.

3. Would you rather be the world's greatest rhythm gymnast or the last man off the bench for the LA Clippers.

neither. I would rather be the world's greatest rythym guitarist. In fact, I may be... it is just that no one knows besides my dogs and fish. The cat says I am a half-wit who wouldn't know what to do with a metronome if it bit me in the ass. That is why I stopped feeding him. He is an asshole.

4. Cleaning the fridge this week I realized I have a peculiar amount of condiments. What is your favorite jelly/ toast spread.

nice try on the trick question. I don't eat toast because it is a breakfast food eaten at a breakfast time. I support neither.

5. Football time. Some of us actually like it. Some of us like it a lot. Favorite football tradition/good luck ritual?

there is a lot there, because football is the only sport I follow and care about. I am crazy for the Broncos. So, rituals? Well, I never watch a Broncos game without a team jersey on. Even if I am in bed or in the hospital, even if I am in Rich Stadium in Buffalo during a snow storm on crutches, drunk, getting hit with snowballs by drunken Bills fans... I always wear my jersey.

Another thing I like to do is make chili. Everything about Chili is football food. It takes forever to make, just like it takes forever to watch three football games back to back every Sunday. Because Chili is so labor intensive (if you do it right), it helps you get through those boring ass morning AFC games while we wait for the Broncos to come on at 2:15pm. Also, it is getting very cold out and chili is soul food. Not just pysically hot to hold in your cold fingers, but the spicyness is a good cut to your 13th beer that morning (hypothetically speaking, of course.)

Another ritual - if I am actually going to a game. This is rare because football is stupidly expensive ($80 a ticket, $30 to park, $5 a beer) that I only go about once a year. When I do, I go early. I am in the parking lot at least 4 hours early. This involves huge amounts of: beer, cold weather gear, food, ciggies, trash talk, and nerf footballs.

ok, last thing I promise. After re-reading your question, I saw 'rituals'. I may or may not have mentioned this in the Plummer piece, but I have never attended a game wherein the Broncos lost... ever. Every single Broncos game I have witnessed (from Phoenix, AZ to Buffalo, NY) has resulted in a Broncos win. Do you see where I am going with this?

Wednesday, September 13


In the news today is a good old fashioned 'whodunnit'. The teenage son of Anna Nicole Smith was 'found' dead in her hospital room after she had just given birth to her new baby girl. They were in the Bahamas, or something like that. So, how did he die? They say no drugs or trauma are present, but they 'know how he died and know who else was in the room at the time besides mother and son'. They won't tell us anymore, but I will.

See, I consider myself a very amatuer criminologist... after watching dozens of hours of FBI Files on Discovery. I am prepared to announce the suspect in the killing of young Daniel - it was Natalie Holloway. Think about it, she has been 'missing' for almost a year. Wasn't she missing from the Bahamas, or Aruba? Aren't those the same thing? Next clue, nobody can stand that family.

Most importantly, this info will serve the tabloid community, who has had to go a critical 11 days without a lead in the 16 month old Holloway case.

Tuesday, September 12

We are back to banality!

Dear reader, and I mean that in its singularity, thank you for taking a knee with my yesterday in rememberence. The good news is the terrorists surely haven't won, because dumb news is alive and well. You know about the Croc hunter being dead, of course. You might be sad, or maybe even a little angry at Steve for putting himself at constant risk. Wait, you tell yourself, this is how he lived... and surely how we would have wanted to go, right?

Wait, he had two children and a wife, didn't he? Maybe he needed to cut down on the bravado and consider he is supporting a family. Steve should have tailored back his wild ways and maybe stepped back into production and hosting... both safer. Why risk everything with a family on the line?

Then, you remember he wasn't just supporting a family... but a continent. Australia is a continent, isn't it? It was when I was in school... of course... so was Pluto. Anyhow, Steve Irwin was the entire GNP of Australia ever since dingo meat took a dive on the open market. He was also very very big on conservancy and gave most of his money to protect the wild species that he loved. Knowing that, how could Steve have just quit being dangerous?

Then, it all comes together: Those fucking stingrays! It is that stingray's fault that it unconsciously and instinctively defended itself. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if they were all in it together. True story, folks, Stingray's are being attacked and mutilated all over the coast of Australia in the wake of Steve Irwin's unfortunate passing. Sure, Australia used to be a continent of criminals... but they are finally taking crime seriously on the great island > Crikey!

Sunday, September 10