Liberals treat dogs like people, Conservatives treat people like dogs

Friday, September 16

Friday Fives

1. Name one thing you've quit: being late

2. Name something you've won: The heart of America, with this here blog

3. Describe a subject in school you do poorly in: math. I hated math. Always have, always will. If it can't be knocked out on a $2 calculator... I want nothing to do with it. I joke that my brothers used to dress up at numbers before the beat me. Such is my aversion to math.

4. Have you ever purposely not done your best? Math. I totally just gave up on it. I took algebra in college and it was a nightmare. Just a horrible experience because I understood none of it. Eventually I had to drop the class so I wouldn't flunk. I still got a degree though, but had to take a short cut math called 'Practical Purpose Math' which was actually useful math. Algebra can suck my ass. I have never once used the quadradic equation to pay my bills or do my job (Lawnmower Technician 3, yup... Larry got fired!).

5. Do you lead, follow, or get out of the way? All of the above, and if you say any different about yourself you are a liar. Generally though, I would say I am a leader. You, you're all just sheep

Thursday, September 15

Who saves the consumer money

I do!
Wal Mart? No, they don't save you money... they just charge less. You pay for it all on the back end as a subsidy to build the store and then in subsidies to pay for all of their workers who can't afford health insurance. Yup, that gets passed on to you. Wanna know why the doctor charged you $300 to put a bandaid on? Because they have to equalize the free care they give out in order to stay in business. So who really cares for us, the consumer? ME! I am in the ditches fighting for your right to a $5 sammich. See, I do consumer marketing research on the side. It pays quite well, about $100 an hour. I started doing beer tasting for Coors, now all kinds of folks call me. Corporations use these focus groups to flesh out ideas on new releases. Everything is scrutinized carefully. The one thing I say invariably is 'it costs too much'. For example, yesterday I was doing a survey for a big sub sandwhich chain.

They had a big yummy steak sammich. That is all I will say, except that it was quote tasty. Then, I found out the price point (fancy talk for 'price' was $7.59. That means for that sandwhich with a soda costs (after tax) more than $10.

unacceptable. You can not charge $10 for a sammich when minimum wage hasn't been touched in 10 years. Is a sandwhich all of the sudden executive food? No sir! The sammich is the lasy refuge of the blue collar scoundrel. So, next time those market killing subisity suckers at Wal Mart tell you they are dropping prices... you just remember your old pal Lono.

Tuesday, September 13

I don't believe mine eyes

A superhero is only as good as his biggest villain. Do you think the world would give two craps about Spiderman if we didn't have Doc Oc, or Green Lantern? No, he would just be some Michael Jackson freakshow. Who is Batman when not fighting monster injustice? He is a sad little man in a bad outfit. Not to call myself a superhero... but frankly I am. As a result, I am only as strong as strength of evil and incompetence that I fight... the White House.

Yes, this president is more than the worst president. He is more than a pernicious and insolent genocidal prank monkey for the right. What I was most dazzled by the President is he never apologized... ever. Never once in six years has he said 'my bad. sorry.' Honestly, it is all I have wanted to hear from him since 9/11. I don't even blame him for 9/11, but it happened on his watch. So, a simple sorry would have meant a lot to the american people.

Even more fun was when the president rushed to the disaster from vacation to congradulate FEMA for doing such a stand up job. Of course, we now know that FEMA director Jerky McAssface was working on a press release congradulating the job of FEMA... rather than doing the job of FEMA. True story, the AP put it out last week.

this administration is a lot like the fonz. They are so convinced that everything they do is right, they can't even utter the word 'wrong'. Anyhow, something happened today that hasn't happened in 5 years. It was something almost cataclysmic in its scope. The president went on live TV and uttered something that still leaves me completely freaked out. I spent the morning crying in the basement. Everything I once knew and held true was now gone. Remember when you caught your parents having sex? Yeah, freaked you out a bit didn't it? This was worse. The president... your president... took accountability for something for the very first time in his presidency. no, serious. The president today did the very thing I have been begging him to do for 4 years -

Bush: 'I take responsibility'

So, what do I do now? I mean, he has: admitted error, apologized, and took swift action to remedy the FEMA debacle. That is real life leadership. Oh well, it is probably a fluke. One last thing, because I can not resist: go fuck yourself mr. cheney

Sunday, September 11

If you see the Elway in the road, kill him

There is an old saying in Buddhism: If you see the Buddha in road, kill him.

Here in Denver, even since John Elway left... every QB is compared to him heavily. It is getting incessant and deafening. It reminds me of the boy who had to utter in every after school movie: I'm not Timmy, Dad. Timmy is dead. My name is Sam and I like to dance. When will you accept me, dad?

After just watching the worst performance of a pro-football team I can ever remember... I know what is coming. For the next week, every yahoo sportswriter in Denver will be calling for Jake's head. Every sentient being will want him fired and say I told you so. Problem with that is, had we won, every single yahoo sportswriter would say "he's our boy! Told you so! Golden child, that Plummer... he just didn't have a proper offense in Phoenix, that's all.

The next thing they are going to do is call for coach Shannahan's job. They are going to explain to you that Shanny hasn't won a playoff game without Elway. This is true, but we have also had a winning season every season he has been here. Problem is, we just choke in the playoffs (big time).

The meaning of the phrase 'if you see the buddha in the road, kill him' is this: Buddhism is inside you, and not about a deity. Buddhism is about living by a set of self governing rules that dictate you do no harm to others. It is called the 'Eightfold path'. The Buddha declared while he was alive that he was NOT a supreme being or immortal. The point is that if you see the Buddha in the road, you are not practicing Buddhism. Buddhism is about yourself and what's inside. Buddhism is about your choices and actions. So, if you see the Buddha in the road... kill him. Kill him because he represents your desires and manefestations of outward grace and spirituality.

What every single QB we have had has needed and wanted to say to the media: I am not John Elway, dad. I wasn't and never will be. He is gone forever, and I need you to accept that.