Liberals treat dogs like people, Conservatives treat people like dogs

Saturday, December 16


Did you know that last year was one of the first years that sales of books had risen? Yup. As you can imagine, book sales have been waning as the internet and other digital media take hold of our collective consciousness. There was one very specific sector of books that led the whole industry's revival, Christian books. Actually, more specifically, the 'Left Behind' series.

In case you aren't aware, 'Left Behind' is a serial of Christian stories explaining and fictionalizing life on Earth after 'the rapture'. The Rapture is when God (or jesus... your call) comes to earth and takes away all the good Christians to heaven and everyone else is 'left behind'. To say runaway best seller would be an understatement. You may have seen these bumper stickers on cars before 'in case of rapture, car will be unoccupied'.

Sweet sassy molassy this shit pisses me off. Know why? Because, I am all for religious tolerance, but these assholes are not. I think it is swell if you are a Christian, or if you aren't. Frankly, it isn't my business. What this bumper sticker means is really this "I am way better than you. In fact, I am going to heaven and you aren't. In fact, you are going to have to watch me ascend to heaven right in front of you because I am that much more pious. Oh, and good luck with a planet full of sinners and pagans after we are gone. You are fucked, fatso! What do I care? I am a chosen one, bitch!"

Correct me if I am wrong, but that is the message I get. It is elitist, frankly. Maybe I should make a bumper sticker that says 'in case of rapture, I am pretty much screwed because I am an Atheist. So, please don't steal my shit because I will be stuck here with you other non believers'.

The story takes a much bigger turn, dear reader. I told you that to tell you this: The obscenely popular 'left behind' series has spawned a video game. I am cool with that idea. I think it is a good idea for the old school to embrace the new school. I don't think kids are big on reading the bible, so why not be clever with the medium to spread the word of the gospel? I mean, god made everything so god made video games... right? Then it must be a pious and worthy.

hmm, I wonder what they do in the video game. Maybe it is like those Mormon Elders who have to ride around on bikes in t-shirts and ties and convince people about how totally not retarded Mormonism is. That must be what they are doing, because if I explained the entire mythology of the Latter Day Saints you would say "that is retarded". Maybe the game is a series of helping old ladies and volunteering for crap.

Well, let's just take a lookie here at the game and see what it says:

COLORADO SPRINGS - In a new video game for teenagers, players are asked to convert non-Christians and then create an army to fight the anti-Christ.

Hmm, seems rather preachy to me... and pushy too. Am not a big fan of fighting anything. Just not my bag, I'm a Democrat. Let's us not judge lest ye be judged... read on.

The game is rated T for Teen. Christian soldiers can kill others and restore their so-called "spirit level" by praying before they can go on to kill again.

I know I promised I would stop swearing, but what the fuck? Kill, kill again, pray (probably should pray about something killing related) and then kill some more. Listen, I went to Sunday bible school when I was a kid and was baptized and got my catechism and all that... seriously. I totally missed this little seminar. Let's read on, because this dude is writing my material for me.

The game's creators say post-Rapture warfare is the central theme of the "Left Behind" books and therefore it is integral to the game.

Ah yes, Jesus' last words were 'dude, kill those fuckin' guys. They are a bunch of non believing, me betraying douche bags! I guess I missed that whole chapter. What I remember of the teachings of Jesus were kindness and forgiveness. 'Ye shall be treated as you treat the least amongst you'. That means be nice to cleaning ladies and crazy people (to me it does). The Lord helps those who help themselves. Truer and better words were never spoken.

Keep in mind, this isn't corporate devils making a game to capitalize on youth interest. This is the Left Behind people making this game themselves. This is a Christian Game! Know what? If that is their value system, I think me and the kids will stick with 'Grand Theft Auto'. Better role models.

I'm just saying, last time Jesus was here things didn't go to well. If he does return, he is gonna be pissed at all y'all!. More fun with how I am going to hell can be found here, in what is rapidly becoming a series of sorts. Lucky you!

Friday, December 15

Friday Fives

1. Would you give up half of what you now own for a pill that would permanently change you so that one hour of sleep each day would fully refresh you?

Absolutely. Think how quick I could earn back the most important stuff, and better myself after that. See, I can't really function with anything less than 8 hours. It's kinda sad, so if I could I would.

2. What is your preferred method of getting the news?

I check throughout the day. I don't want to hear huge news from someone else. I want to get as many facts as I can to frame my own opinion before any kind of discussion goes on.

3. Would you rather . . . utter all exclamations during sex in sign language or in the form of a question as if on Jeopardy?

what is... the second option (get it?)

4. After winning it big in Las Vegas, what do you do first? have a drink, then take a shower and a nap to center myself. Now, room service and lots of it. I want 300 shrimp scampi, and way more booze. Now, let's go see a show!

5. In case of a sudden emergency in the middle of the night - who do you call.

Me! I am your emergency guy, and I am the emergency guy the Red Cross calls as well. Plus, I have a behemouth truck and all kinds of car rescue stuff. So, I would call myself. If that were not an option (I am often very busy, see) it would be my buddy Arne for sure. Dude spent 22 years in the service, so he makes my preparedness look like a puke stain sammich.

Tuesday, December 12

Buy the Ticket, Take the Ride

Tom Thurman’ Hunter s Thompson biopic is a terrific romp with the legendary author’s celebrity friends. The film loosely takes a timeline approach to telling the story of Hunter, all done through narratives from Nick Nolte, Johnny Depp, Anita (Hunter’s widow), Juan (Hunter’s son), Sean Penn, John Cusack, Ralph Steadman, Benecio Del Toro, Bill Murray, and an epically disingenuous Gary Busey.

Hunter’s story is one of celebration, paranoia, and excess. Surely you have read, or at least watch, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. You get a feel for the character of Hunter S Thompson, which was carefully cultivated from the author himself. However, this movie gives a slightly different tale. It is the story of Hunter S Thompson as a close friend and confidant to a legion of loyal friends. One of the things Hunter was known for was calling friends in the middle of the night to chat. Hunter kept almost exclusively evening hours. Aspen Sheriff Bob Braudis says it best in the film, describing Hunter’ passing “Now, when the phone rings at 3 am, I know it can only be bad news”. If nothing else, you should watch the movie for the Gary Busey sequence. It gives you real insight into the Hollywood mind.

I saw the film when it was screened at the Denver Starz Film Festival a couple of months ago. It was awesome, and Hunter’s son was there to say a few words. I really enjoyed the movie. To be fair, I should tell the reader that I am a HUGE Hunter S Thompson fan. I dare say I am the resident expert on the good doctor. I say all of that to say this: the film is on TV tonight! Starz is airing ‘Buy the Ticket…’ tonight on cable. Details here. You should watch it, because I am not sure which kind of release it will see. Likely, this will be your only chance outside of limited DVD distribution one day. It is on at 10 pm Eastern, 8 pm Owl Farm time.