Liberals treat dogs like people, Conservatives treat people like dogs

Thursday, February 23

Friday Fives

In honor of Black History Month, today's fives are Black-centric. Enjoy, crackers.

1. Who is your favorite black actor

Will Smith, in a movie you may not have seen. Six Degrees of Seperation. It is the best acting I have seen since Forrest Gump (the best acted movie of all time). Netflix it, it is really good. Everything he has done since then is almost entirely pop crap. That movie, though, makes up for all of it. Dude should have got an Oscar. Also, Ving Rhames (sp>) should be mentioned. You know him as Marcellus Washington from Pulp Fiction. Great role, but not necessarily great acting. Before he was famous, though, he played Don King. It was some made for TV movie I think, years ago. It was called :I think) 'Only in America'. It was amazing acting, as he played boxing promoter Don King. I can't say enough about this, so you must seriously rent it. It is a helluva story, and was very well done too.

2. Who is your favorite black politician

Alan Keyes, because he says the dumbest shit imaginable. Dude is a half wit, and a favorite of mine when he is in an election. If my google were working better, I would link up a storm of Alan Keyes-isms.

3. What do you think about Al Sharpton?

I like Al. I listened to Al during the debates and the stuff he said made perfect sense to me. I especially liked his answer about gay marriage. He explained it beautifully. He said it was not a state issue because it was a civil rights issue, which makes it Federal. Not allowing gays to marry, he reasoned, was like not allowing blacks to marry. I completely agree with that logic.

4. What black actor is over-rated? DEnzel Washington. He plays the same smug bastard in every film. Dude could not act is way out of a wet paper sack. Stop lauding him. It does not make you look either smart, or racially sensitive. It makes you a tool.

5. What are your thoughts on the Bill Cosby controversy?

I think he made some very insightful and true comments. I have no problem with what he said. I can say that it is a very good thing a black man said them. If a white man said those comments, the cities in America would still be burning.

an Open Letter to my deep fryer

Hi. This is kind of awkward, I feel bad. I know I promised that you and I would never to have this talk. Well, we have to have the talk. We had good times, you and I. Remember that time we tried to make Chili Rellenos and the chilis opened up everywhere? What a mess. Those were good times. How about when Tommy Ostrow tried to make onion rings and the batter was too watery and it shot out everywhere? I remember that, that was funny. God, this is awkward. I mean, i rehearsed this in my head over and over again. You weren't supposed to cry. The thing is this, it is over. My doctor said so, and I do what the man who pokes me in the heiney (for what I assume was medical reasons) says.

It's not you, it's me. Well, actually... it is you. You are killing me slowly, and that's not cool. You could have told me that you were pretty much carcinogenic, I think that would have been good to know. Look at me, I am getting all defensive. That isn't what our relationship was about. You were a good friend, and I'll never forget that. Remember that time we made egg rolls for the party? That was a huge hit. Remember the good times, I will.

Tuesday, February 21

My Resume

There is a story in the news today about CEO's and such falsifying their resumes. Now, we are not talking about a janitor calling himself a 'sanitation technician' or a drop out gas station employee as 'lawnmower technician 2'. Nope, we are talking about fictionalized degrees. The story came to light because it turns out the dude who runs Radio Shack claimed he had two degrees from a school. Turns out he had NO degrees. It gets better, one of the degrees he claimed 'Psychology' isn't even offered at said school. That story, here. In a possibly related story, Radio Shack lost their ASS last year and are closing down roughly a fifth of their stores. That isn't even the story, either. We are just building, so stay with me.

Some congressmen did some digging and found that
A recent congressional investigation uncovered 463 federal employees who had credentials from unaccredited schools giving bogus degrees, including three individuals with high-level security clearance.

Yup, high security clearance... fake resume. McDonald's does more screening than congress apparently. So, how much trouble are those dudes in? NONE. Zip, zilch, donut, zero. Know that the government is looking to impose a laughable $1000 fine for Federal employees caught lying on resumes. So, where is the disincentive to lie? There isn't. In fact, if Radio Shack weren't totally losing their asses right now, dude would probably still have his job. So, in the spirit of current time... I offer a Jayson Blair/James Frey resume.

First, I am crazy hot. Also, I have several pulitzers for 'Distinguished Bloggery'. I have an honorary degree from those Lampoon cats over at Harvard. I make sexy look dumb, that is how hot I am. This website receives 1,000,000 hits a day. I am deep throat. I am an attractive man, with a full head of hair.

aw shucks. Ain't nobody buying that. Tell you what, I did lie here once. See that counter up to the left. When I installed it a couple of years ago, I didn't want the number to start at zero. In order to falsify a dash of credibility, I started the number at 1,233. That was a lie. However, the number up there right now is accurate (minus 1233). That being said, we have 29,874 visitors since Nov 2003. I am glad we could talk about this. I have to go now, I have an interview with the suits at Radio Shack. I can use you as a reference, right?