Friday Fives

1. Early childhood discipline. Were you swatted? Grounded? Left on a desert island to contemplate your sins?

No physical discipline at all (which perhaps we could have used). Whenever I was bad, my Dad would kick my dog... hard as he could. Boy, I learned quick in that house. Just kidding, geesh. My father only beat women. again... kidding.


2. As a child, when was the first time you remember experiencing Them Cold Hard Facts of Life (real disappointment and realization that bad things can happen).

When I was very young (about 6 or 7) I lost my best friend in the world to a car accident. That pretty much fucked me up for a while. His name was Brian Schumacher, and that is the first time I have thought about him in about five years. This is the true definition of what Frued called 'repression'

3. At bed time, do you need a bed time story or do you fall fast asleep? Any routines that must happen before the slumber?

When I go to sleep, there is no radio or TV or anything. Once I get all comfy and warm, I jack the fan up to high speed (remote control ceiling fan, highly recommended). Then I do about 10 - 15 very deep and slow breaths. It brings my heartrate down and calms my mind. Often I am asleep before I get to the 15.

4. How old were you when you learned to ride a bike?

hmm, I don't remember. Usual age as any other kid. I had training wheels and big brothers to help and all that. Pretty much usual childhood narrative there.

5. As a teen learning to drive, any driving related altercations that you never told your parents about?

well, duh! And I believe they still read this page on occasion, so you ain't getting me to confess anything, sucker! No wait... I can use this to my advantage.

Often when my Mom was at work I would sneak out and have her car detailed. Also, I would babysit and sneak the money into my mom's purse. When my folks were out of town I would usually mow the lawn and clean the garage. Sometimes would sneak to the library to get better grades so my family would be proud of me.

Enough with the cellphones

Camera, or phone? 

Take a look at that. Know what that is? It's not a camera, bubba. It's a cell phone. This is out of control, America. It is just a cell phone. It isn't supposed to be a camera or music player or PDA or fax. Why? Because those things already exist.

Get a cell phone, fine. But stop glomming stuff onto the damn phone. Sheesh, cell phones would probably cost $50 and work flawlessly if we weren't subsidizing some nanotechnology that will have my car tell my phone when the dryer is ready on the copter. Let's cure cancer first, folks. Then we can put the scientists back on cell phones.

Good Riddance to Bad Rubbish

CU head of suckiness, major constant scandal, constant rape, shitty administation, mispent tax dollars, misogyny, general retardedness, total obliviousness, general coldheartedness, and several documented felonious coverups resigned today. I call this, victory. However, I am a very petty person when it comes to my enemies... of which she was.

Told you so

They make a great margarita

God, I hate that sentence. I really do. I have been putting up with it far too long. First off, there is no such thing as a good margarita. Margarita's are disgusting and the only reason people drink them is to get drunk quick. That being said, no one makes a great margartita. They are all made exactly the same, so stop with that stupid comment. It is tequila, and that green stuff. Same way, everywhere. Now, your favorite bar may make a particularly strong margarita, and that is swell of them. That doesn't make it a good drink though, just a strong one.

Trust me, I am a professional drinker. Also, your bar may have great deals on margaritas. That is terrific, but it does not make the drink itself great. No, it makes it a great deal. Listen up, America. Tequila is nasty, and so is that green stuff they add. You wanna know how to make a great drink? Here it is. One part Malibu Rum to one part Bacardi 151. Fill with Sprite, and top off with a splash of grenadine. That's my drink, and it is great! It is strong as hell but tastes yummy like a chick drink. I invented it in college, and it's called the Lono. If you step into a bar in Flagstaff, Arizona... go ahead and order yourself one. Tell them I sent you.