Liberals treat dogs like people, Conservatives treat people like dogs

Thursday, December 29

Friday Fives

1. What word works you every time you hear someone say it?


2. What is your favorite word?

Schadenfreude For example, the ongoing indictments of the major players of the GOP and the impeach talk against Bush for his illegal wire taps is total Schadenfreude. Us Dems call it 'Fitzmas'.

3. Name three words you think other people overuse:

brad, pitt, angelina - I don't give a shit about these people, nor to they about me. So stop writing about them. That being said, I think Brad made a big mistake leaving Jenn. It has been tough on all of us. I mean, who does she think she is? I have seen Gia, so I know she is crazy. Forget it, now you have my crying. I said I wasn't going to cry over this anymore. I mean, who are they to me? It's not like I know them personally. It's not like they answer my fan letters, ever.

I guess being the sole holder of doesn't get me any mojo with his publicist or anything. Do you hear that, Michael Brennan... "agent to the superstars"? I know you won't take my call, but I can make your world one of hurt and regret. I just want to meet him, it's not a big deal. As I said in my deposition, I am not a stalker.

4. What is your opinion on karma?

it is a valuable tool to keep folks compliant and good to each other. Sorta like religion, but I actually believe in karma.

5. If you take the good and you take the bad, what do you get?


Wednesday, December 28

how a DVR saved my marriage

All credit goes to my brother Chris for this conversation. First, I should tell you what a DVR is. A DVR is a cable box that records and pauses TV. I have a problem, when I watch TV I am very focused. This is not an attribute I am proud of, I am just aware. Anyhow, when I get home I like to watch TV because I am not much of a talk about your day sort of guy. My wife isn't that way, nor is any wife. So, when she walks in she runs down her day from start to finish, and I must provide feedback.

You see the problem I have with this, right? I am trying to relax and watch TV and I am at the same time needed to be a sensitive and caring husband (which I am). I learned early on to mute the TV when she came home... because I didn't want to be a jerk. Everything is better now. I can pause live TV and give her attention. Then, go back to TV and have missed nothing. Thank you, inanimate object, for saving my marriage and making me look like a gentleman.

Tuesday, December 27

Where to hang your hat at the end of the day?

How about a Spring visit to Iyamkoreckistan? The crime is frankly considerable, though entirely non-violent. The weather? Miserable! Either too hot or too cold. If you want nice weather, dingus, move to San Diego. How about Democracy? Just kidding, you hack. There will be no Democracy because you have proven you can not handle it. Less than 50% of eligible adults voted in the last Presidential election. Oh, and the guy you voted for - dead wrong. Dead Wrong.

That being said, your leadership will be chosen by me. That being said, your leadership will actually be me. Health care will be provided based on a 'three strikes' system. Your first two doctor visits in any given year are free, a third visit results in immediate expulsion from the country. Housing will be provided, but you will have to live next to blacks and gays. Seriously, look at yourself. You really could use some diversity. Churches are fine if you want, form your own. However, they will not be tax exempt. In order to license your vehicle, it will have to get 30 mpg or better. Unlike my current truck which is a total Hos on gas.


Do as I say, and not as I do. One last thing, any driver found not using their turn signal will be executed. No appeal on that one, and no exile. Any driver who feels it is not necessary to expend that half calorie to use a turn signal must be dead within 24 hours. Oh yeah, and gas will be $10 a gallon... because you drive way too much. We will have publicly subsidized rail and buses which will be free to every citizen.


You are welcome,
Lonus Rulus
Emporer and Grand Arch Council of the Qua