Friday Fives

* sorry for the delay. My server was down and I was a little busy in the bathroom at the Minneapolis airport.

** I don't know what is a server is either, but it was down.... honest.

Imagine you are on your deathbed. Recommend to those who remain in your life...

1) One book to read.

the greatest and most wonderful book ever written, on a million different levels. Alice's Adventures in Wonderland. I have read a lot, my degree is in literature... and all that high minded stuff and arty Shakespeare can't compare to the Lewis Carrol tome, written about 150 years ago.

2) One movie to watch.

Well, if I had to choose one movie... it would be one that is very very funny. It would have to be amazing storytelling, with Oscar worthy acting performances. It would also have to have beautiful cinematography. Also, it would probably need to feature Peter Falk. What film? It is one I own two different DVD versions of, and a VHS too. The Princess Bride.

3) One food to eat.

since this is poorly worded, I will exploit it with a large and simple and joyful answer > Mexican food.

4) One place to go.

church. Ha ha ha hah, just kidding. the woods. No, the beach. No, Mexico. I dunno, just follow your bliss. You know where my favorite place to go is? Home. It sounds simple, but home is where it's at. I got a comfy bed, everything is where I want it, and I don't ever have to leave.

5) One life lesson to leave behind.

Enjoy every sandwich - Warren Zevon

Schadenfreude Capitalism

I was reading earlier today about how swell the new Blockbuster by mail DVD service is. The dude compared it to Netflix, but thought maybe Blockbusters was better. The reason? You can go into a Blockbuster store and return your DVD's and immediately pick a new one from the in store stock (even though you are a mail customer). Truly, that is an advantage over Netflix. The prices are roughly the same, about $16 a month. I have a Blockbuster pretty close to the house, maybe I should consider switching. Just kidding, I would never switch back to Blockbuster even if it were free.

Why? Because of that term I just coined above. Blockbuster is a purveoyor of Schadenfreude Capitalism®. Since this term has only existed for a few minutes, allow me to explain. The reason why I totally hate Blockbuster and will never do business with them again is because their business model was set up on you failing. Blockbuster only made money if you forget to get the movies back, and they were betting on that. Remember, when you rented a movie for $5, you got it for three days. However, if you were late, it was $5 a day. See, that's fucked up. It should be that if you were late if would be $5 for every three days. Blockbuster made all their money by you not returning your movies. Blockbuster wants you to fail as a human.

I understand that business is business, and I also understand that I have a choice in business. Another reason to love Netflix? They have a real life call center for help, not an FAQ. Know what else? Their call center is in the United States and is staffed with real life working class Americans! That is a customer service coup, and one we should support. As for Blockbuster, I can't prove that their entire business model was built on my not returning movies... but twice I saw the assitant manager in my neighborhood slashing tires so we couldn't get back to the store on time.

The Transformation is Complete

You know I love cnn.com. You know I cite CNN almost recklessly as a source of news to use as a jumping point for my rants. Today will be my last CNN citation for a while. You may remember earlier this year I coined a term 'Newstainment®'. I used that term to criticize CNN for pulling all news off the evening network and handing over the Headline News channel to Nancy Grace. I don't care if CNN wants to branch out into entertainment. Heck, do like ESPN and open 10 channels. Just don't fuck with the one called 'Headline News'. I am still pissed about this.

You can have a million CNN's. How about CNN pretty girls read you the news? CNN Miami? CNN Las Vegas? CNN Sports stars in trouble... See? However, if you have a channel called 'Headline News' it should probably contain either headlines or news. Seriously. It shouldn't really have anything that isn't either headlines, or news. 'Frenemies' is neither headlines, nor news.

It got worse today. On the main page of the big headline stories was this op-ed by an actress about how mean dogfighting really is. Let's listen in to the very pretty actress:

Dogs are beaten, abused and goaded into aggression and then set upon each other in duels to the death. Poor fighters are an embarrassment to their owners and are killed by brutal means.

Really? No, really? I thought dogfighting was simply a metaphor for belly rubs for puppies. Man, I sure am learning a lot. I totally want all my news to come from pretty actresses instead of journalists. Let's read on, maybe dog fighting ends in happiness and hugs and rainbows.

Because violence breeds violence, dogfighting endangers communities wherever it occurs. Aside from hurting animals, it nurtures a violent mind-set that makes it easier for people to brutalize other people. The results of a recent Chicago Police Department study bear this out: Of those arrested for animal crimes, including dogfighting, 65 percent had past arrests for battery.

What's that you say? People who engage in dogfigthing are psychotic douche bags with a propensity for violence? Really? Stop the presses! Man, I sure had this whole thing wrong. Thanks, CNN. Thanks for having my news by edited and presented by pushy entertainers. Man, I sure wish I could read that compelling piece on the Headline banner about 'Frenemies', but something tells me that Nancy Grace will have two hours on it tonight. Tomorrow, Steve Martin is gonna do a piece on 'cat juggling'.

* quite likely, you are thinking something like 'oh, a pretty girl can't be smart'. 'You are such a mysogynist, Lono'. That would be wrong. I am all for pretty girls telling me what to do. However, she doesn't work for CNN. I watch and read a lot of CNN, and I have not heard of her. So, to bring her in to a marquee spot to say 'dogfighting is mean, y'all'... it insults me as a reader. I am going to ABC news.