Liberals treat dogs like people, Conservatives treat people like dogs

Friday, April 30

Friday Fives

1. How are your map reading skills. What is your favorite "Road trip" memory? My map reading skills are solid. My favorite road trip memory would be when I was driving to Chicago from Nothern Arizona with my roommate. At the time I really needed glasses but didn't know it yet. Whenever I was driving, I would never pass anyone (into oncoming traffic). I explained I couldn't see far enough ahead to make that judgement (I mean, it's not like I am bionic). So after a bit of frustration he handed me his eyeglasses and said "see if these help!" So I put them on and all of the sudden I could see everything. It was at that moment I realized I really needed glasses. After that, for the rest of the road trip, we switched off. Whoever was driving got to wear his eyeglasses. 2. Have you ever shoplifted? Yes, when I was a kid. I was so wracked with guilt after I did it that I buried the toys (little matchbox cars) in the ground so no one would ever find them. I was also afraid to go into that store for about a year after that... thinking there was somekind of bounty on my head. 3. What is your first thought in your head in the morning? What was your last thought last night? first thought was 7:30 am "why am I up? I don't have to be to work until noon". So I went back to sleep. Last thought last night? Probably "geesh, I hope my dad doesn't read this peice below." Actually my family life rocks... I just thought the piece would be funny. Think of it as an amalgum of every single ABC after school special from the 80's. 4. What was your favorite children's television show? What is it now (children's show, that is.) Wallace and Ladmo. It was kids variety show of cartoos and stuff that was just in the Phoenix market. Favorite kids show now would be Spongebob. It's a cool show that I watch fairly often. It entertains without challenging, has decent morals, and no story line is longer than 12 minutes. 5. What's your zodiac sign? What year in the Chinese calendar were you born? Do you put stock in any of this? Aries. Don't know my Chinese zodiac cause I think it's all totally crap. via Roy.

an Open Letter to my father

Dear dad, I am not Timmy. I am not great at sports, or very athletic at all. The girls don't like me much and I don't have a lot of friends. I'm not Timmy. I don't get straight A's and I surely won't be king of the prom next year. When are you going to let me be who I am? I like writing, I think it's interesting ok? The reason why I had the constitution out the other night is NOT because I am a terrorist, dad. I was doing a piece on government for my web site. Sure, I'm plenty different than Timmy, but in special ways. My name is Lono, dad... not Timmy. Timmy is dead.

You know, maybe there is some of my mother's Canadian side to me. Maybe that's why I am funny and clean. Sure dad, I could join the football team... but that won't make Timmy come back. Besides, you never once even showed up to the debate team or the mock UN for me. It's like you don't even care about me sometimes. Ow! Why are you hitting me? What does that have to do with anything? Huh? Because Roy is my friend, Dad, that's why! Stop that!

No one took your weed off your dresser ok, you traded it with creepy Larry next door for beer because your 'queer son is too afraid to go to the store and steal some beer like a man'. Remember that conversation, Pop? You'd have remember that if you hadn't fallen asleep drunk again watching 'Clevaland girls go wild' for the 30th time. Just forget it, from now on my name is Gordon... and I am going to live with mom. My wife thinks it will be better for all of us, anyway.

Monday, April 26

Michigan, the new home of Intolerance

Well friends, it has been a good run the last few years. The fight to be the most intolerant state in the US has really been heating up. Sure, Texas has always been a perennial front runner, but Colorado recently pulled up to number 1 after US Rep Musgrave (r) suggested we change the constitution to have gay specific language. Just recently, though, Michigan passed a bill that said doctors do not have to provide services if it conflicts with their religious philosophy. Read this, and tell me if your next thought isn't 'what the fuck?' The bill would allow health care workers, facilities and insurers to refuse to perform a procedure, fill a prescription or cover treatment they object to for moral, ethical or religious reasons Here, I crib the rest of my rant from a memo to my mentor Roy- Roy, have you seen this little gem? In Michigan a doctor could say such fun things as: I won't treat you for a bullet wound Rev Lono because my chart says you are an atheist I won't fill that birth control prescription for you Mrs. Lono because my chart says you are married... so you don't need birth control I can't treat you for A.I.D.S., because it means you're probably gay and that is against my religion Now, though these are extreme examples... this is the direction our country will go with a new Bush term. I just can't believe I haven't titled this whole piece 'what the fuck?'. Listen you guys, I don't ever swear here. Well, once on the scientologist piece... but let's see you get through 500 words on scietologists without uttering the 'F' bomb. You know what, I even understand what the argument would be that supports this. If you were smart and clever like me... that argument would mention Thoreau and civil disobedience and being moral being more important that 'laws'. Yes, and if you were great like me, your argument would also say something about Hitler and how what he did was technically legal... but if good Christians were empowered bla bla bla and then something about 'only following orders'. Guess what though, you'd still be SO very wrong. I don't even wanna hear it. I am freaked out and terribly offended by the whole concept of this law. Wanna know something ironic? I am not only a true atheist... but I am a legally ordained minister. By Michigan law that means I can refuse myself my own services. Wow, this is going to put a mondo ding in my masturbation schedule, because it is an immoral service I provide myself. You know what else is strange? I find myself writing a lot about gay issues recently. It would seem that about 70% of my most recent post have been about gay issues. I am not even gay, so do you know why I write about this? Because these are not gay rights issues, they are human rights issues. Bam! Did you see how I nailed that outtro? It put the whole piece into one concise sentence. I guess it kinda makes you wonder what the other 31 sentences were for in the piece.