Liberals treat dogs like people, Conservatives treat people like dogs

Thursday, August 24

Friday Fives

1. What are the first things that you do in the morning to start your day?

hit the snooze alarm a few times. Then, like in bed and think about my outfit for the day and how best to attack it quickly, because I hit snooze too many times.

2. What are the last things that you do at night before going to bed?

take medications, watch Craig Kilborn's monologue, meditate to sleep

3. What daily routine have you recently added to your day?

biking to and from work. It is a huge pain in the ass, but it super good for me, especially since diesel fuel is at $3.40 a gallon. I can't afford to drive to work anymore.

4. What routine do you wish you could get rid of?

the alarm clock. It is evil. Just recently, I worked a noon to 9 pm shift. I never had to set my alarm. No matter when I went to bed, I would always be up by 11 am. Think how tranquil your life would be without alarms. You just wake up, and ease into your day with a little weather channel in bed and cuddling with the doggies. That is how life is being a night shift guy.

5. What’s the one thing that makes you feel like something is missing if you don’t do it some point within your day?

talk to my wife, we've been together 11 years.

Tuesday, August 22


So, this guy who has never been to Colorado in his life says "I killed the kid". Next thing you know, he gets a free first class flight from Thailand to Los Angeles. He flies first class, and dines on the best food and sips champagne. First class ticket one way from Taiwann costs about 3 grand. Did it occur to anyone that he didn't kill the kid, but just needed a ride back to the states?

Using that logic, I would like to confess to the Hawaii killings. Um, all of them. So, please fly me to Hawaii (first class now) and I will answer all of your questios there. Oh, I am also a suspect in the Cozumel killings... and the Jamaican ones too.

Monday, August 21

Who says hospitals are bad

In an ongoing effort to research all of modern America, and then to be right about it - I spend last week in a hospital. Hospitals get a bad rap, and here is why. These are things which are good at a hospital:

I didn't have to go to work all week
I had unlimited time to read
I could (and did) call for pain meds and ice cream 24 hours a day
someone else cooks for you
someone else cleans for you
someone comes in and cleans the sheets
I had my own private bathroom
I had unfettered access to the remote control (take that, wife!)
I could sleep in 12 hour increments and no one called me a sloth
nurses legally obligated to laugh at all my racist material
did I mention pain meds? four different kinds! It was a buffet of narcotics!

so anyone who says hospitals creep them out has the entirely wrong attitude. I say that because the placebo effect has been proven positive. So, if you go into a hospital expecing to get better, the odds are you will.

Oh, this all presupposes you have health insurance. My little few days of IV anti-biotics and USA today reading probably will cost someone about 5 grand. For me? 99 bucks. Seriously, thank god for health insurance, and never under-estimate it's value. Without health insurance, I would have to sell a car to pay for last week. Did you know that medical bills are the leading cause of bankruptcies?