Friday Fives

1. If you needed to get ahold of The "A" Team to handle a personal crisis for you, would you know where to turn?

It's common knowledge. They are based out of Los Angeles. You place an ad in the want ads and Hannibal will contact you very discreetly. He'll be in a disguise, see, to make sure you aren't the Feds. If you check out, he'll reveal himself and someone all your woes will be fixed by means of a lawnmower rigged into a tank of sorts.

2. Hunter Thompson is dead. In his spirit, what is the Gonzo-ist road trip you have ever taken?

on more than one occasion in High School we decided in the middle of the night to drive to Los Angeles, which was 8 hours away. One of those trips took my little blue Celica. Had to fly home. Yes sir, funny story about that. See, I didn't tell my mom I was going to LA for the weekend. She just thought I was at a friend's house. So, I call my mom about 6 pm Sunday evening. She says "where are you, dinner is ready." I say "I'm at Walgreens". She says "hurry home, it's still hot." I say "Well, actually I am at Walgreens in Los Angeles. Oh, and my car is dead and I can't get home." Needless to say she was not amused, and that story is 100% true (show up any thanksgiving at our house, you'll hear hundreds of stories like that about me.)

3. We were taken out to dinner on the company dime last night to a nice, swank steakhouse. What is the best meal you have ever eaten that you didn't have to pay for?

Ever? isn't that kinda heavy? Like you, work seems to treat me awfully good. That is why I am still there after a few layoffs and nearly eight years. Is that a good enough answer? No, that was a cop out. I guess the Christmas eve dinner we make as a family whenever I get back to Phoenix is a high point for me. Last Christmas we had shrimp and lobster and roast and it was our last Christmas together in my childhood house and everyone was there. I mean, there are simply no better memories then stuff like that.

4. Botox? Collagen? Plastic surgeriesl nip and tuck? Hair club for men? How far will you go to preserve your youth?

Well, I guess it's no secret around the blogosphere that I have had a LOT of work done.

5. Ever tracked your biorythms? Are you having a good day or a bad day? Any other crap like this you might hold on to from time to time?

Tracked my biorhythyms? No, sounds like crap. However, I was into meditation in college. It is good for the soul, especially when you have that much free time. How is my day? Basically over as I write this Thursday night. Heading to bed now, tomorrow is a big day. I am interviewing folks for our department all day, then rehearsing for a show I am playing with a friend Sunday at a local bar. Oh, by the way. I just went to that 'Biorhythms' link. What a bunch of horseshit. Stay wonderful and have a good weekend. I love you, and I love you more for stopping in to read. Do yourself a favor and go volunteer somewhere, even if it's at your neighbors... you fat fuck!

This stuff just writes itself!

ok, so I was cruising cnn.com, which I do constantly. I just came across this headline which is so great I had to stop and tell y'all about it.

Jackson P.R. expert says she was fired

Now, I didn't even read the story and don't care to. What I want to comment on is the goodness that is that story title. First off, I can't believe that Michael Jackson has (or had) a PR rep, not to mention a PR expert. That person is doing the worst job in history. I mean, if you are a PR person... it is your job to shape how the public perceives your client, right? Well, regardless of the trial, if you ask anyone what they think of Michael Jackson. They will invariably say "crazy, white, pedophile, baby dangler, talented, insane, creepy..." in any combination.

So exactly what has this PR person, nay... expert, been doing for the last 10 or 15 years? The best part is this; the person in question is upset and feels wrongly terminated. Whoah, time out for a belly laugh.

Hey, guess what... you are the worst public relations expert in history! Charlie Manson wouldn't want your services.

I know it sounds like I am being mean spirited, and to be honest I am. However, let's make a real life scenario. Imagine if I got rumors spread around work that my boss Mike has been drugging and raping children for the last 10 years. Then I told everyone he was deeply, deeply in debt. Then I told you he used to be black, but has changed his appearence through hundreds of cosmetic surgeries because of weird issues his father created when he was young. Then... it turns out Mike is wanted by the Feds and gets fired from work. Needless to say, Mike's last act was to fire me. Wouldn't that be a pretty good call on Mike's behalf? Would anyone side with me?

Hootie shills for the man

Alright, crackers, we close Black History Month on a weird note. The story begins with me coming down exactly a week ago (almost to the minute, I am noticing) to write about this offensive piece of corporate drivel I saw on TV. I checked my e mail first, as I always do, and found the news about Hunter in an e mail from our dead pool. Well, that pretty much derailed the following piece... but it has been festering in my head for the last week. I had to write to you about this terrible, terrible commercial I saw. As it featured prominent black entertainer... I had to tell you about it.

The commercial begins with this black guy dressed in the squarest cowboy outfit you have ever seen. I mean, John Rocker would have found this offensive. Next, the guy in the bad outfit is singing super gay love songs... to a burger! I should probably clarify the context of the term 'gay' here. The word is not used in reference to two people of the same sex in love. It's what your (well, mine at least) big brothers called you all through childhood for dressing like a 'spaz'. As for the spaz contigent... sorry, no apology from me (no one likes a spaz, go away)

So dude is strumming his guitar, singing to the burger, and behind all this is a painted styrofoam set that looks like the video for Tonight, Tonight threw up all over the stage.

So who is this singer? You have probably seen it by now. It saddens me to say that guy dancin' for 'the man' was beloved soft rocker Daruis Rucker of Hootie & the Blowfish. Well, this isn't how I wanted to end Black History Month, honest. I wanted to do a week of role models and great black counter culture influences... but the Hunter Thompson thing pushed all that aside. Oh, and I am sure some comedian has mentioned this... but why do we give the black man the shortest month of the year?