Liberals treat dogs like people, Conservatives treat people like dogs

Saturday, November 20

U2 could use some press

America, we need your help here. The word on the downlow is U2 has a new disc coming out soon. I have discovered this rockin' little quartet out of Dublin. Frankly, I think they could be the greatest band in rock, if only people knew who they were... or that there was an album coming out next week. Why is it such a secret? Could we get a little press for these guys? Could someone maybe leak a song ahead of time or something? I fear this new U2 disc will disappear off the shelves into the bargain bins because of an apathetic media afraid to embrace these kids from Ireland. If anyone out there can find an article, no matter how tiny... read it. I guess the singer is super shy, so no one really knows what he looks like. Too bad, dude is decent looking and could sell freakin' handheldcomputers if he put his mind to it. This is a 'can do' story getting buried by the typically liberal media machine who are always on the lookout for the nobodies and the underground. When will someone ackowledge the superstars?

Friday, November 19

Friday Fives

1) What would you absolutely *love* to do, if only you weren't terribly afraid of doing it?

wow, good question. here are a few thoughts, if there were no consequences: crash a car, kill a man, fly a plane, skydive, speak publicly, and play guitar for a stadium full of disciples.

2) What's the sexiest piece of clothing that you own? How do you feel when you put it on? Where do you usually wear this clothing?

There is nothing that makes me look sexy. I am pretty gross. I am a short, fat, bald, nearsighted, and a flatfooted museum of recessive genes. Thanks for cheering me up! No wonder why I drink!

3) Do you remember the very first time that you used the Internet and/or e-mail? What was that experience like?

Yes, it was terrible. I was in college (NAU) and knew a bit about e mail (this was about 1992). We had computer labs on campus for homework and stuff. I had recently learned that every student had an e mail account by default. So I went to the computer lab and asked the girl how to work all this and she was a
see you next Tuesday about the whole thing. I guess maybe e mail was super obvious to her, but it wasn't to me. It wasn't like gui internet based point and click stuff either. It was a PINE DANA account. This was one of the original inventions and mediums of the internet to use... between colleges. I didn't discover porn until almost 10 years later.

4) What words in the English language do you think are completely overused? Do you find yourself saying any of them? If you could ban particular words from the English language, would you? Why? What words would you choose?

I have my own vocab vices, no question. However, as an English grad I have the unique position of justifying every word I use as genius and insightful.

5) It's cold and flu season, unfortunately. What things have always helped you feel better when you're under the weather? What remedies do you remember being given when you were a child?

the first trick is to be out of work. Call out. Second, have considerable and unfettered access to TV. Third, be high... super high. I mean like half a bottle of Nyquil high. After that, you don't even worry about the cold. At least, that is my technigue.

from the benevolent Roy, always

Wednesday, November 17

the future is good

Apparently, people like me aren't called liberals anymore. We are called progressives. Whatever you want to call me is fine. Here is how I think of a good progressive future, which you are free to pick apart because there are probably great taxation issues in my vision. Anyhow, this is how a liberal/ progressive future looks to me
  • your car/truck is hybrid. All you need to know is you only fill it up once a month
  • your tax burden is less because all of the illegal immigrants working here would be paying into the tax base
  • minimum wage is raised at least half as often as Congress gives themselves a raise (they are on their seventh raise since Minimum Wage was raised in 1996. Can you imagine working for a company since 1996 and having never got a raise? I have worked for the same company (plus or minus lay offs) since 1997 and am making almost three times what I was paid back then. Even if this didn't raise minimum wage more often, it would certainly slow down congress' self evaluation.
  • Imagine subsidized education, where a high school grad with good grades could go to a community college of his/her choice. Here is the catch, if you drop out... you have to pay it back.
What do you think? I didn't touch health care, that one is too complicated. If you want to know where subsidized higher ed comes from, I have two ideas. First off, your tax base is way stronger because of the millions of illegal immigrants are now paying into the system. Yeah, even Bush said it - legalize them! Next, charge $5 a gallon for gas, like the rest of the world pays. Here is one more bonus for your tax base - sell alcohol on Sundays. Also, don't gimme that lip about "if we raise minimum wage the small business owners would have to cut jobs." If people are making more, they are spending more. We have to at least keep up with inflation here folks. One last thing. You know how they say marriage is an institution? They were close, marriage is an industry. I got married last year and weddings are BIG business here in America. Let the gays get married, it is good for the economy. They wouldn't be buying the cheap shit either... it would be first class all the way.

Monday, November 15

The Doppler 9 Million®

Back almost a year ago, I promised you the Doppler 4,000,000.® Several of you laughed, and I was hit with two 'cease and desist' letters from Fox news. However, once my lawyer had them look at our Doppler... it was clear what the difference. Today I have launched the Doppler 9 million. It promises to not just know the weather, but guarantees 100% accuracy. Along with the claim I made on the original Doppler 4 million... well let's just read the original press release regarding the predicting abilities of my machine:

If that type of weather does not then happen (which is where most of your modern Doppler's fail) it will then go up into the clouds and beat them into submission.

The Super Mega Dopppler 4,000,000® > When we say it's going to snow... it snows. Or someone gets hurt!

and that my friends is what we have finally delivered. See, the thing is that I am a huge weather dork. I have two weather stations in the house and one in my truck. I apologize for taking almost a year from our first announcement. Anyhow, have fun with the weather site. I hope it's not a distraction to the overall page, especially since I just added the photo thing. You should be able to configure it to report weather wherever you are... except Phoenix.

I say that because all of my family are there and we know that there simply is not weather in Phoenix. As a superfan weather bonus, here on the side is a photo of us digging out of the blizzard of 2003. There might be those of you from perhaps Minnesota or Buffalo who look at this and say 'that ain't a blizzard'!. Know that in this photo we are on our second or third full shovel of the day. See my truck on the right, I worked that day and drove home in this. That is only about two hours worth of snow accumulated on it. Oh, and I didn't call it a blizzard. The pinheads on the news did.

Max Monday

as promised, nay... threatened, it is Max Monday. This involves me telling a tale that involves you realizing why maybe I don't have a kid. We have two dogs, and when we were at work they used to get to run free in the house. That is because the older dog was never a problem when we were away. As of about a year ago, Maxwell Silver Hammer (my golden retriever) lives in a see through kennel in the basement when we are away. Why? Because things like this -

We came home from dinner one night and found Max had gotten up onto the dinner table somehow. Obviously, the dog isn't allowed to be anywhere near a table when we are home. What is strange though, is that our dinner table is used almost exclusively for setting mail and keys and stuff on. So there was no food on there, nor is there ever food on there basically.

So, how did I know that Max was on the dinner table? Well, my sunglasses were on the ground when I got home... in pieces. The dog got onto the dinner table to eat my sunglasses. To further illustrate what a problem this was, they were prescription sunglasses. That means they were very expensive, very hard to replace, and very critical to my day to day life.

Max didn't just grab and snap them. He obliterated them. He must have spend a good hour chewing on them... as there was nothing salvageable left. Man, oh man, was I pissed. You may say "how do you know it was Max?" "Why are you always blaming everything on Max?" "Maybe it was Maury?" I'll tell you how I know. Though indeed my first suspicion was Max, I examined the evidence. I went totally CSI on the situation, and looked very closely at the corpse of the glasses. Max's dog hairs were embedded into some of the bite marks. His hair is distinctive because he is yellow and the other dog is black. For your visual benefit, on the left is a picture of both doggies. Let the record reflect they are both forbidden from being on furniture, too.

So the thing I can't reconcile, almost two years later since this happened... is why. I mean, I could see if he stole a sandwich or something. I know dogs love to eat our clothes because they smell like us... so they like the positive association in our absence. But, the dog ate a pair of expensive tinted eyeglasses... thoroughly. Geesh, I am kidding. Look at those doggies. Does it not look like they live about the best possible dog life in the world? Since then, I have got new prescription shades... and keep them well off the kitchen counter. Notice when you look at the picture, the difference in their mannerisms. Seriously. They both know they are not allowed on the couch. Maury is the black dog on the left. See how she is concerned and is about to get off the couch? She knows she is in trouble. Now, notice how completely oblivious and content Max is on the right.