Liberals treat dogs like people, Conservatives treat people like dogs

Thursday, October 26

Friday Fives

1. What was the last thing that you ate?

A subway sub (meatball - toasted with provolone & green peppers) last night for dinner

2. Who was the last person you shared a meal with?

my wife, of course. That is kind of implied, so let's dig deeper. I believe it was Vietnamese Pho with Roy and Beau. A lunch well spent: good friends and a good meal.

3. What is your favorite all time dish (recipes welcome)?

my wife's beef stroghanoff. I haven't had it in forever, either. You don't think she is making it for another man, do you?

4. If you could eat one thing for an entire year, what would it be?

chicken strips (bar style: deep fried with fries and ranch)

5. Would you rather have Boba Fett-like thrusters in your nostrils or retractable roller blades on the bottom of your feet?

Well, after the 'incident' the FAA took away my pilots license... so I am not sure that I am allowed thrusters. Ah, what the hell. Gimme them thrusters, bubba... and clear outta town!

Wednesday, October 25

What makes a Man?

I have thought a lot about this question over the years. First off, what makes a man isn't biology. That would even make you a man, which clearly you are not. I used to think what makes a man is having kids and being a great father. I don't want to have kids though, so I must find another means to measure myself to socially. Legally, you are a man at 18. When I was 18 I was just a kid with a bad attitude, but I was no man. So, how about if I just measure myself to pop culture and car commercials? Sure, I drive a big truck and masturbate constantly... but does that make me a man? According to my high school guidance counselor it does.

One thing is for sure, a 'man' doesn't watch the Food channel. God no. One thing a man never ever does is watch those gay ass cooking channel cake challenge shows especially. I would never watch that. EVER. I ain't judging you for watching it if you do, I am just saying you are a woman. Apparently, that is common knowledge around your house, though, Nancy. Those things being said, it concerns me when people travel across the country, sometimes the world, and proper precautions are not taken.

What am I talking about? I am talking about $10,000 on the line, and we have climate control issues. We got a guy in the corner with 53 pounds of frosting holding up the statue of liberty's arm, and the room is so warm the frosting won't set. Remember when that guy did the Frank Lloyd Wright's 'Falling Water' house in graham cracker subfloors? It was pretty amazing, until the third story starts to bow because of the humidity in the conference room. $10,000 on the line, and we can't order a de-humidifier for the room?

There are some new rules, and a new sheriff in town. First off, all these challenges need to be held in a climate controlled room. Temperature and humidity MUST be controlled, or we can't do this thing at all. Second, no more bringing your premade cookies and shit. Everything, everything single thing that isn't a raw ingredient must be made on site. Next, the apex of the show is always the move. They make the contestants move their 'piece' five feet to the presentation platform. This is to simulate the real world challenges a caterer endures in getting these things across town. Also, they have to do a shot of whiskey on the hour every hour. Don't worry, your body metabolizes the stuff one ounce every 45 minutes. Good point, they need to do two shots an hour. Now you are cooking with gas.

But I don't watch that shit. I am busy hittin' women and driving my truck and listenin' to Metallica and stuff. Oh, and my clothes are ripped. So don't think I ain't a man, ladies... cause I am.

Monday, October 23

an Open Letter to my 'brother'

I know about the adoption. I know one of us was adopted, Grainger (if that is your real name). How? Remember your wedding program? You said something nice about everyone involved. You said something wonderful, flattering, and viciously accurate about me. Remember what it was? I do.
Kevin is the funniest person I have ever met

met? When did we meet? I thought we were brothers? In fact, you are older... so you should have seen me born. You didn't, though, did you. Just when did you 'meet' me? More importantly, which one of us was adopted?

See you in court, brother