Liberals treat dogs like people, Conservatives treat people like dogs

Saturday, June 16

Head Shot

Do you know what a 'head shot' is? Of course you do. It is the 8'x10' picture of celebrities use to endorse themselves. I don't have one of these. Probably because I am not good looking, or in show business, or important. That's ok, though. I don't need one, I have you. This isn't why I write, though. This is what we call in the industry a 'set up'.

Here is the thing, I was eating a local Mexican restaurant. The food is amazing, and I suppose worthy of celebrity patronage. I know this because on their wall where you wait to be seated was several pictures of local demi celebs. You know, TV news folks and such. It got me to thinking: do these people travel with their head shots?

We must assume they do. So part two > how does this issue come up. Does a restaurant purveyor say "Aren't you lady from 9 news? Say, you got any pictures of you laying around I could put up?" That seems awfully forward, so I bet they don't. So, then, does the demi celeb say "Hey, great food. Listen, would you like a picture of me for your wall?" I have reasoned this out, and sadly been thinking about it for some time.

See, the wonderful people of this establishment barely speak a single word of English. So, it would reason they are not watching local news in English. I used to work in the restaurant business, and no one gets home before midnight. So, they surely aren't watching the news. Ted Koppel and Dan Rather could walk into this place they wouldn't know the difference. They would, however, serve them the dynamite food that I have become addicted to.

So, it would reason these demi, C list celebs, are carrying around head shots of themselves. Then, offering a signed copy to anyone with a pulse. Worse, I bet they are doing it to score a compt'd meal.

Thursday, June 14

Friday Fives

1. Are you attracted to the naughty or the nice?

the nice, I'm a democrat, remember?

2. Do you let your dirty laundry pile up?

Do you mean metaphorically? If you do, I would say no. If you are talking about dirty clothes, the answer is a big and embarassing yes. See, the damn washing machine is all the way down in the basement. It might as well be ten miles away, especially after a broken ankle and three knee surgeries. This one time, I was at the 'parade of homes' and they had a show home that had the washer and dryer upstairs in the master bedroom closet. How great would that be? Get home from work and throw your crap right in there. Then, like the dishes, leave it a couple of days until it fills. Then, after it dries you just hang it up. NO FOLDING. These are the things I dream of at night, especially considering I am surrounded by filthy clothes on the floor.

3. What's the last excuse you made?

yesterday. It was our wedding anniversary and I totally spaced it. The wife caught on quite quickly. What was worse is I forget if it was our fourth or fifth anniversary. So, I called my brother who got married that same summer. He didn't know either, and so had to ask his wife. Man, we are some sucky ass husbands. No regrets, though, I love my wife.

4. How much cash do you have on you?

none. very very rarely do. Cash goes to quick, and is spent on caffeine. I could drink Starbucks six times a day. You'll be happy to know that I only drink triples, though. Roy drinks this Cafe Americano with two extra shots. Know what that is? FIVE SHOTS of espresso. Roy's big and wonderful and genuine heart is absolutely sure to explode any day now.

5. Can you swim?

yeah, totally. Grew up in Phoenix. You know, 120 degrees in the summer? Most of my childhood transpired in or near a pool.

Wednesday, June 13

Judge Roy Pearson is an Asshole pt 2

Guess what, I now know what the suit is about. Misleading signage. Who are these goddamn immigrants that come to our country making a better pants life for all of us, yet mock the American good sense of signage? Judge Roy Pearson is declaring that the business said 'same day service', and 'satisfaction guaranteed'. As for 'same day service', read this piece I did last year on 'one hour photo'.

As for the Judge's claim of 'satisfaction guaranteed', I want to cite movie case law of another Judge... Judge Reinhold. Remember that scene in 'Fast Times' when the customer was bitching about his breakfast. The customer demanded an immediate refund for his breakfast. Judge Reinhold's character told the guy he was sorry, no problem, and after you fill out this form I will return your money.

So, the customer (think Roy Pearson here) said "the sign said 100% refund and I want my 100% refund right now". Reinhold replies "Mister, if you don't shut up, I am going to kick 100% of your ass!". That is the kind of justice I am talking about. Judge Reinhold, where are you now... when America most needs you?

Tuesday, June 12

the Pants lawsuit

In brief, there is a dude in Washington DC who is suing his dry cleaners for $54 million. This is a ma and pa independent shop of Asian immigrants who lost a pair of pants.

There is so very much to mock here, we must go slowly. Today, in our first installment, let's evaluate Judge Roy Pearson's $54 million dollar pair of pants. They are described thusly:
Pearson said he brought one pair in for alterations and they went missing -- gray trousers with what Pearson described in court papers as blue and red stripes on them.
"Gray trousers with blue and red stripes." Firstly, let's look at what we can agree is a pair of gray trousers. This is a pair of gray trousers:

We can agree those are some gray trousers. So, what then might gray trousers with red and blue stripes look like? Well, I had a court room renderer art guy mock one up for you. This is from the actual transcripts (which have not yet happened):

I don't see how these pants are worth $54 million, quite frankly. Also, if I owned these pants, and then somehow lost these pants... it would be my own joyous secret. It's sorta like those folks who get hit by frozen blue poo from careless airlines and then sue. While I imagine that is a pretty terrible experience, nothing could be worse then being known as the 'flying blue poo' guy for the rest of your life either.

Well, now we know there is a class of people who think 'jackpot!' when the absolutely absurd happens to them. How absolutely absurd? The suing pants guy is a friggin' judge! I am milling another title for my next post on this, as it will surely grow even more absurd as the trial date nears. How about this? Judge Roy Pearson is an asshole. Also, going forward... I think we'll just call them 'pants' like everyone else on the planet does.

Monday, June 11

The Sopranos finale

* the following post started as many of my posts begin, an e mail to my pal Roy. It this then I am most often struck with A. how insightful I am... and B. how I should share that with you (my grand insight).

So, let's talk some Sopranos.
Ok, obviously that ending… or lack thereof… made many crazy. Me too, initially. Now, I dig it. Why? Because that was what every day of the family’s life was like. Was that guy with AJ (just in front of him) gonna pop Tony? How about that trucker guy at the bar? How about those two black guys?

When that dude walked past Tony en route to the bathroom, I thought they would do a formal 'Godfather' homage. Namely, a gun is taped to the back of the toilet. What else? Surely, during the painfully prolonged scene of Meadow parking I thought she would see or hear 2 or 3 pops come from the diner. Then, nothing else. They wouldn't say who got shot or who is dead. Just Meadow walking up to the diner and hearing 3 gun shots. Of course, David Chase knows this... and played us like the cheap broken banjos that we are.

So, who in there was going to kill Tony. Did Tony die after the credits rolled?

Maybe, maybe not. That is every single moment of Tony’s life. Maybe, the whole family will be sprayed in blood. Maybe, they will just have another family dinner and bicker about what poor decisions their teenagers are making. That kind of insano tension is what they live with. Bravo!

I will tell you my perfect ending for the show. It was last week's show. Remember how it ended with Tony laying alone in bed with a shotgun? He was exiled from his family, and even his entire state. Honestly, they could have skipped this week's show altogether. It was great to see Phil got 'popped', though. Now, what did the FBI agent mean when he said "we may finally win this thing"?

* lastly, I hear people say “I feel like I just wasted the last ten years of my life”. I understand that sentiment, but not because of that ending. What drove me absolutely mad was waiting 3-4 years in between every season. Just season six (this very last one) took a 1 year break. That is the crap that angered me.