Liberals treat dogs like people, Conservatives treat people like dogs

Friday, May 19

Friday Fives

1. Do you squeeze the toothpase tube or roll it? What's the advantage of your method?

I have this thing my brother gave me which was a tchoczky (free giveway thingy) which rolls the toothpaste with a gentle crank and so maximizes all that tartar fighthing goodness. In fact, I am still on the same tube from 1994!

2. How many siblings do you have? What's your birth order?

I have two older brothers, and I am at the very lowest on the totem poll. Gee, thanks for reminding me.

3. What is something you won? How did you win it?

It has been a long time since I 'won' anything. However, I have the greatest and most satisfying life right now... so I ain't lookin' for any handouts.

4. What is one of your nicknames? What do you prefer to be called?

Lono - it is an old Hunter Thompson reference. Allow me to go deeper for once on this. Lono is a Hawaiin deity. Apparently he was a crazed and surly bastard towards the end of his life... after he lost his wife. He told his minions he would one day return to Hawaii as their proper king.

Fast forward a few hundred years and you have Captain James Cook exploring the Hawaiin islands for the Brits. Somehow, the island folk got it into their head that this Cook dude was the return of Lono. Since they treated Cook and his crew as deities... Cook was in no hurry to correct them. Eventually, they found out the truth and killed him... rightfully so.

Fast forward again a couple hundred years and you have Hunter Thompson traveling to Hawaii in 1980 to write about this new fad of running. For whatever reason, he again injusts WAY too many drugs of every kind and somehow decides that he too is the incarnation of Lono. The locals were less amused this time and banished him. Out of this came my absolute favorite Hunter Thompson book, Curse of Lono. Long story longer, I am a big fan of the doctor and my college roommates dubbed me Lono.

5. What's something your parents used to say to you as a child that you promised yourself you'd never say - but now you catch yourself saying it?

ah, there are so many. I guess I find myself saying the most "Goddamnit Kevin, if you shit on the couch one more time I am selling you to the gypsies for wood." Yeah, we had a complicated relationship.

Monday, May 15

What not to say

So I was drinking wine with some friends and some friends of their friends this weekend. We talked about politics and horses, mostly. Then, the subject of favorite TV shows came up. You know me by now, and you know I am a sarcastic monster. I figured everyone knew this, and it was implied during drunken stimulating conversation.

The topic was favorite shows and the gal to my right asked me 'do you watch American Idol?'. I said "hmmm, no... because I am not a 12 year old girl". Funny, huh? I thought so, she certainly didn't. She picked up a spoonful of a very elaborate desert and flung it at me... high velocity. Come on, folks - this crpa only happens on Tv doesn't it? Anyhow, no big deal and not much harm done. I just want you, the reader, to learn from my mistakes. When a 35 year old semi attractive gay woman asks you about American Idol... treat lightly.