Liberals treat dogs like people, Conservatives treat people like dogs

Saturday, January 13

They all look alike

Hey all, I am sitting at home watching playoffs. Because I just had knee surgery, I haven't left the couch in days, and am on some pretty swell painkillers. That being said, after watching non stop football for hours on end without sleep... I have noticed something. There are only like three coaches in the NFL. Somehow, they are being moved around. It is too weird to explain, so I will simply show you.

Here is Herm Edwards on the left, and Tony Dungy on the right. Same person? I say yes! Know how I can tell? No two people would choose the same child molester mustache. Even creepier, during last week's playoffs when their teams played each other, we kept hearing what great friends the two were. They play golf together and had dinner together the night before the game. Really? Remember when Bruce Willis was having dinner with his wife in 'Sixth Sense' and we realized at the end it never happened? I think it is kinda like that when these two are together.

Do you see my point? Can you tell me they are different people? I am not a racist, nor do I claim all black folk look alike. I gues I am a coachist. Ok, you with me? How about these two walruses below: Mike Holmgren (left) and Andy Reid (right). What is weird is these coaches were also playing each other during the playoffs last weekend. Do you see how confusing this? Do you know how medicated I am? Do you remember that part in fight club where we realize that Tyler Durden is really us? Is this what is happening? Good thing our coach looks like a horse, so I don't get confused. Anyhow, here is coaches Holmgren & Reid >

Ok, that ends our section on good coaches. All four (two) of those coaches are really good, and all got to the playoffs this year. Now, for the suck ass fired coaches. On the right, we have Art Shell... the guy who never moved. Art shell never once said a word, lifted a finger, or seemed to do anything for the Raiders as they had their worst season in 18 years. Bill Simmons warned us, but we did not listen. Next, on the right is ex coach Dennis Green of the Cardinals. This is the guy who not only led the Cardinals to the biggest and ugliest and most public defeat in the history of the NFL against Chicago Bears on Monday Night Football. Even better than that, he had a freakout after the game. Dude just snapped, and it is the best public meltdown I have ever seen. Click here to catch the magic from you tube.

To be honest and fair, I don't think Denny Green did a terrible job. I mean, he was coaching the Arizona Cardinals... the second worst team in the history of the NFL. The first worst is the Aints. However, after tonight, the Aints just might redeem themselves and move out of the bottom rung.

So, anyhow... I present Art Shell and Denny Green

Thursday, January 11

Friday Fives

1. Do you look at yourself carefully in the mirror before you leave for the day?

carefully? not at all. I know exactly what I look like, so I only look for abnormalities. The only time I give me face a good focus is when shaving. I don't like my face in the winter, it is pasty and ghostly. Someone as near handsome as me looks better tan.

2. How has luck/chance/facts-of-life/God/karma/nature treated you so far?

ridiculously well. I am so blessed it makes me sick. That is why I am a Dem, because I want to give some back to my community.

3. Would you rather: Be mechanically induced to scream at the top of your lungs for an hour - or - have your eyes glued shut for a day?

the second one, I could deal with the blindness if only for one day. I would just stay in bed. There is a way to mechanically induce screaming in me, it is every Broncos game. I scream when I am excited and I scream when I am angry. When I actually go to games, which is rare because it is incredibly expensive, my voice takes days to recover.

4. If you were a superhero, what would be your kryptonite?

kryptonite, duh

5. Is there an animal you would never have as a pet?

Dunno, as we don't have kids... I am a very big pet person. Have two dogs, cat, and some fish now. I'd like a menagerie of animals, though. Did I use that word right? If so, how dazzled are you by that word? Seriously, y'all, I had to look that shit up. See what I do for you? If it weren't for my love of travel, my house would be a zoo. That beind said, probably a yeti (sasquatch). Not only do those things eat a LOT, they crap the weight of a gallon of milk every three or four hours. They smell really bad. They smell like wet dog, about 10 of them. And no, you can't potty train them.

One cool thing about having a yeti, is people would stop picking on me at work. Hear that, Josh? I am gonna get a yeti who is gonna rip off your arms and beat you with them. Seriously, you are a jerk. I hate you, you are such a jerk. Why are you so mean to me? Do you care that I am a person with feelings? Wait until my yeti gets a hold of you. You'll be sorry then.

Ok, I changed my mind. Turns out I would like a yeti for like a week or something.

Monday, January 8

but was she impressed?

You remember when President Reagan got shot back in 1980? Do you remember what happened to the dude who shot him? His name was John Hinckley. He is still alive, and in jail. When they asked Hinckley what his motivation was he said "to impress Jodie Foster". Seriously, he did. Many thought he said this because he was crazy... or better... just wanted to sound crazy. What is weird is, dude meant it. He truly shot the President to impress Jodie Foster. In law archives is the actual letter, read it here. Yeah, that is something huh? Jodie Foster used to be quite the hottie, and has aged quite nicely from being a child star. In fact, the whole assassination was apparently a freaky re-enactment of the storyline in 'Taxi Driver', of which Jodie Foster was featured in. There are a lot of questions that linger about Presidential Assassinations which may never get answered. Heck, the Kennedy killing gets more muddled every year. So here is the question I want to know - Jodie Foster > were you impressed?

Seriously, I mean... dude shot the President for you. Whether or not you agree with his politics, you have to be at least a little impressed. I remember when I was a teenager and I was playing guitar at this coffee house and some girl came up to me and handed me a matchbook with her phone number on it. She was too shy to talk to me. I was stoked, and that great ego boost has carried me many many years through guitar practice. So you can imagine, if said gal shot the president for me, well I would just be honored. I mean, you shouldn't shoot anybody fer chrissakes. If you really want to impress a gal, though, I think that takes the cake.

In fact, what is a guy to do to best that? I bought my wife some flowers last week and she said "really, flowers? You know that Hinckley kid shot the president for his girl". How do I follow that? It is for this reason alone that Ms. Foster owes America the answer. Were you impressed?