Liberals treat dogs like people, Conservatives treat people like dogs

Saturday, May 7


I was driving today, and thinking about how much I love the word 'again'. Being a writer, words inspire me... especially great ones. As I was heading out for a decently long drive, I was thinking of a conversation I had with a guy at work a couple of months ago. We were discussing four wheeling in the woods and I asked him why his Jeep had this huge roll cage looking thing just over the radiator. His answer was 'So I don't crash and roll over and bust the radiator, again'.

See my point? That little word changes everything. Generally, it applies to my high school buddies, and makes everything a little funnier. For example:
Jim got busted for selling beer to minors, again.
Mikey got a DUI right in front of the police station, again.
Doug is in the hospital. He busted his leg with an axe, again.

these events in and of themselves are stark and terrible and not funny. However, with my fun little ad on 'again', it becomes a tale of an idiot who never learns. I am not above it, little soldiers. No sir, I have blown two engines living in Arizona and not being terribly mechanically inclined. For the record, they both involved being smack dam in the middle of the movahe desert when a fatal overheat struck. See, when in the Mohave... there are few choices when the temp needle rises on the engine. Solution? Well, make sure your thermostat works (mine did not, twice... different cars) or simply go about the rest of your adult life with an irrational fear of the Mohave and never visit California again. I am somewhere between the two.

Thursday, May 5

Friday Fives

1. Do you prefer to be the driver or passenger?

driver, always. I hate passengering because I can never relax. It be come control issue, or that car wreck that killed my whole family in front of my very eyes. Nope, probably just control issues.

2. When you drive somewhere, do you prefer to take the long way or quickest route?

quickest route. I mean, that is why I am going there. In the mountains we'll drive for hours with no destination, but that is a different animal.

3. Do you have road rage?

No worse than yours, really. I have never gotten out of a car to fight or anything like that. I do have an intolerance for bad drivers... but we all do. This reminds me of a qreat quote from George Carlin:
Ever notice anyone going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone driving faster than you is a lunatic?

4. What is the longest road trip you have taken?

Last summer the wife and I took an amazing two week road trip to and from Seattle which included visits and friends in Reno, Tahoe, San Francisco, a tasting tour of wine country, Oregon coast line, a helicopter ride, a Dead show, watching 4th fo July fireworks over the Space Needle in the Puget Sound, Whale watching, Glacier national park./.. too much to explain. It was the best time ever, just us two. Here are pics.

5. What would your reaction be if you were driving and saw an animal run into the road?

slam on the breaks, but keep the car moving perfectly straight. I am not going to fishtale and roll, or swerve into oncoming traffic for a deer. Also, I have a pickup truck so if I even use a turn signal at 70 MPH the thing rolls. I have a push bar up front that will deflect most of the damage.
Be a friend, won't you... and leave your Friday Five responses in the comments field.

Wednesday, May 4

my mom beats your god

There it is, I said it. Blasphemy, you say? nope. I have empirical data, unimpeachable numbers... actual factuals! I went to the post office today to mail some stuff for mother's day and it was way busier than it was at Christmas. Sorry you religious folks had to hear it from me, and sorry it was delivered in such a brash manner. Facts is facts though, and moms are way more important than gods. My point being

Happy Mothers Day

Tuesday, May 3

The Trinity

There is a group of movies I have recently seen. After seeing all three within a few months of each other, I have deemed them 'the Trinity'. Sideways, Napolean Dynamite, and Garden State. I say this because all three are really terrific character pieces. What do I mean by character pieces? I guess a movie where really nothing happens at all is generally a character piece (or a shitty movie). It means the storyline no longer dictates the pace... so all you have left are good storytelling and good acting (hopefully). These are movies that most are my friends would say "it's stupid. nothing happens." It is true that when all of these movies came out I didn't even think about spending $10 a person to go see in a theatre. However, sitting at home with some friends and some wine changes everything.

The thing these movies most have is good acting. I mean, great acting. Like, almost as good as Tom Hanks in Forrest Gump acting. Like Russell Crowe in that tobacco movie acting. I guess I am a snob on this. I mean, I appreciate stuff blowing up, but it doesn't drive a movie. Remember when you used to get excited to see William H Macy or Phillip Seymour Hoffman in a role? You knew it would be a strange role, well done, and with no glory. Those are the actors I look for. To be fair, most of these haven't sold out... but they aren't my secret anymore, either. Of course, about third of the time I too settle for a decent Bruckheimer joint to pass the time with a few beers.

tangent alarm > In fact, since I brought up Russell Crowe and 'The Insider', it gives me a chance to talk about what isn't great acting. In a word: Al Pacino. Al Pacino has been playing the exact same character for 30 years. Gene Hackman has a similar tendency, but is a much better actor. I call it the 'Dennis Farina' syndrome. It might be something David Caruso will one day be famous for. Thank god he is too terrible to even make the leap to the big screen. Sweet mother of god, is there a worse actor on the planet the David Caruso? He is such a distraction I haven't watched CSI Miami in two years. Whisking off your sunglasses every 20 seconds is neither character development nor acting! They gave Paulie Shore a movie deal. Tom Green got a movie! Yes, all better actors than Caruso.

Sure, there are some important lines in movie history, and most seem to come from Caddyshack or the Godfather. But how about 'Napolean, you are just jealous because I am training to be a cage fighter... and you know I have been online for like 6 hours chatting with babes" or "No, I am not drinking any fucking merlot! tonight." That is some of the best dialogue since William's 'heed' being discussed in 'So I Married an Axe Murderer'.

So, if you have seen these movies or not... rent 'em. Pick a slow night, get a bunch of wine... and enjoy. Now, I know you aren't using Blockbuster anymore, (seriously, you aren't... are you?). Oh, and Netflix has a new friend feature where you can recommend movies to other Netflixians. So, if you are a Netflixian, drop me a line and I can put stuff in your queue that will deeply, deeply amuse and puzzle you. Normally, I'd just invite you over to watch them at my place... but my dog thinks you're weird.

Sunday, May 1

Good news, John... she is safe and alive!

Yes, we have some really terrific news about your fiancée. She is alive, unharmed, and safe. In fact, she is being brought home this very second by federal air marshalls. I can't imagine how happy and proud you must be. This must be the happiest day of your life. Oh look, you are crying. I understand, this must be very emotional time for you. Please, let me take off these handcuffs now, since it is clear you didn't kill your fiancée. Sorry about that, our bad.

um... funny story though. How about if we step away from the podium and cameras for the rest of the story. Funny thing, really. She uh... wasn't kidnapped. No, really. She just left. How? She got on a Greyhound and crossed the entire country over the course of several days... rather than marry you. Yes, John, Jennifer sat in a friends apartment in Albuquerque knowing that the world thought she was dead and you were her killer. Confess? Not so much. We tracked her down with wire taps. Turns out the Feds are really really angry about this. Oh, and you owe them about 300 grand back for the whole search and rescue thing.

So, uh, anyhow... she is all yours! I want to say again congratulations and I hope the next wedding goes much smoother. I shouldn't take any more of your time. Them? I know, I know... look at them. They are vultures! Fox even has a helicopter up there right now? Why? I spose it's cause we leaked the story to them a few hours ago.