Friday Fives

1. What item would you be embarrassed for people to know you own?

a set of rubber duckies and other toys for Sunday night bathtime

2. What is something you splurged on just for you?

my bike. Last fall I spend a grand on a new mountain bike. It' s super sweet dope ass Canonndale. I am offsetting the cost by biking to work, though. Plus, it's my first new bike in twenty years... so I figured I earned it.

3. What is something that you own with no real world value that is priceless to you?

a small gold plated tie tack in the shape of a Buffalo from my late Grandfather. We are all from Buffalo, see. I mention Phoenix a lot, but it all began in Buffalo.

4. Do you collect anything?

guitars, I guess. I got 7, and still want more. Along with making music, they are things of shape and beauty... like yourself.

5. What item belonging to a friend/family member do you covet?

right now, my brother's Apple laptop. He offered it to me months ago but has been dragging his feet because he would have to replace is whole rig. I have to toil in the basement to write this stuff folks... in the basement. I feel like some kind of common leatherbound sex slave right out of pulp fiction. I am sure he doesn't read this, but if he did I would say something like this: dear grainger, is it that you want me to be a slave to windows forever? This is your chance to get me off the stuff. If I can't get your laptop, I am just going to by a $400 cheapie toshiba something or other so I can surf upstairs on the network.

Aw, who we kiddin? What's a guy like that care about motivating his own little brother. He's only a motivational speaker. add tears... and.... scene!

Another Guinness record

First, start here. It may seem funnier. Some dude with too many resources and not enough work went to 171 Starbucks in one day. Why, because apparently he doesn't have 11 mid year evaluations due by the end of the week like I do. Yup, 171 Starbucks in one day. He has a website here.

So, why do I care? Well, firstly... I bought the URL www.170starbucks.com for several thousand dollars years ago, thinking I could cash in on something like this. I too am a coffee fiend. If I had a Starbucks drive-through on my way to work, I would order daily. So I ain't down on dude for lovin' Starbucks. I am down because this is probably gonna be another pointless and unbreakable Guinness Record.

Since I come to you not with problems, but with solutions... I got a better record for your stupid book. Because Burger King angered me years ago, when I was on road trips I would only stop and shit at Burger Kings. No business or ordering, just do my business and head on. I did that for years! Petty? You betcha... but is it a Guinness Record? Prolly not, because I didn't cinch up the url www.ishitatburgerkingbecauseihaveissues.com. For the record, I no longer have beef with them, and eat there occasionally. What is sillier is that I don't remember what it was about in the first place. Still, four or five years of a dude never shopping but only shitting at a Burger King must be worth some kind of record, right?

I have decided it is time for a Guinness Board of Relevance. When someone submits a record by walking a marathon while flipping pancakes the whole time (what? You call bullshit on that? Click here!) I would say NO. Here is how you get into my record book: How many lives saved? How many attitudes have you changed. How much litter can you pick up? How much tolerance do you teach? Are you voting every time and without fail? How much blood have you donated?

That's right, imagine if these people put their incredible will and energy to doing good. It would be amazing, and I wouldn't even have to recycle anymore... which is a pain in my ass. Now, about that record for me...

an open letter to Bruce Banner, from your tailor

Dear Mr Banner. Don't get me wrong, I love your business. LOVE IT. Since we have taken you on as a client, we have been able to pay off the house and the boat. At the risk of shooting myself in the foot, I am concerned for you. When I got into the Tailor business, it was to help people. Just what is it you are doing to these clothes, Bruce?

Remember that sharp button up Polo you brought in with the chili stain? Last week, your wife brought me that same shift but there was nothing left but a hanky. There was nothing left of it, and there never is with your clothes. I just can't keep taking money from you when I don't see you adjusting your ways.

Your wife told me you have 'rage issues' with your clothes. Have you tried velcro, or spandex? I am not sure what you do for a living, Mr Banner, but frankly it looks like you have rough sex with someone the size of Lou Ferrigno. Probably not a good idea.

While we have never yet met, I hope to some day. I asked your wonderful wife who your last tailor was and she joked that you ripped his arms off accidentally after a botched tuxedo job. That was a joke, eh Mr Banner?

Enclosed with this short letter is a pamphlet from Anger Anonymous. It isn't my business what you do on your own time, but I am worried for your wardrode. Also, I am having an affair with your wife, who says you 'hardly listen anymore'. Good luck with that, Bruce, as she is one hot piece of ass!