Liberals treat dogs like people, Conservatives treat people like dogs

Thursday, October 12

Friday Fives

1. Do you consider yourself clumsy or graceful?

Since I am writing this in recovery after my second knee surgery in two years, and two months shy of my third knee surgery... I am guessing I am clumsy. Is that what you wanted to hear? Did you have to do this in front of everyone? Is that necessary? There it is, America... I am clumsy. I am two left feet. I am a bad dancer and a worse singer. My hygiene is questionable, and I am widely disliked at work. I am short, dumb, fat, bald, nearsighted, and flat footed. I am impotent, and frigid too. My eggs are baron and I can't drive stick shift. Got it? I am not virtueless, though. I have a wonderful and dazzling sense of humor. So suck it, Roy.

2. Someone asks for change while you're walking down the street -- what do you do?

you mean a person needing change, or a bum? I am guessing you mean a bum. Though a compassionate progressive, I don't give money to bums. I know that mental health issues are rampant, but it would seem to me if I could work at McDonalds for $5 an hour... so can they. That being said, I know that many of the 'homeless' are folks who have a place and bum for money as a full time job, basically. Sadly, apparently a great deal of homeless are women and children... and that kinda sucks.

oh, you wanna know something interesting? Last year (or maybe it was two years ago) it became public that Minnesota was unloading all of their homeless on us. I believe it was Jesse Ventuta's inititative, but can't say for sure. The homeless shelters of Minnesota were offering the homeless free bus tickets to Denver. While a clever solution for Minnesota, that is jacked up and seriously unprincipled. We were stuck trying to care for two cities' worth of homeless.

3. Would you rather: Eat sushi in Camroon with Ethel Merman or storm the Bastille with Mick Jagger?

I would pick the Mick Jagger one. I don't know what the bastille is, though. It sounds French. It is French, isn't it. No problem with that. Supposedly they down with red wine and sex, right? Those are two of my faves. Also, I like sushi. So, let's bring Ethel with us and we'll have mad amounts of sex and sushi and wine and ciggies for all!

4. What is the last favor you did for someone else?

generally, it is helping someone with their car. However, the last gal I helped on Tuesday... I couldn't get it started. So, I consider that a failure. Last person I car saved was you, twice. That, and I also smuggle heroin across the border in my anus. Though that is more for profit than favor... I still consider it a favor. It hurts as much as you probably think it would. The worst is fitting in the syringes. You have to arrange them in such a manner than they won't pierce the rectum... yet they can't break the seal of the heroin package either. Do you have any idea what it is like to have three pounds of heroin leaked into your asshole? It is pretty scary. I couldn't shit straight for two years. Plus, my butthole still chain smokes. What was the question again?

5. What's the most expensive thing you've broken?

firstly, I would say a car or three. But we have all killed a car by now, right? Mine weren't crashes, but I have seized up my share of engines. That being said, back in college I remember I was at some dude's apartment drinking with a buddy. In the course of usual drunken silliness, I managed to knock over this dude's glass bong (three footer). Long story short, I had to buy the dude a new bong. This sucked for a few reasons. The first is, I don't smoke pot... so I resented that. Secondly, why the hell do you have a glass bong? Why don't you have a plastic one like every other smart person on the planet. Thirdly, why was your bong sitting in the middle of the floor in the room? Are you too stoned to pick up after yourself. It was $40 to replace dude's bong, and $40 is a crapload of money in college when you are paying your way. I wasn't making crap for money working at Greenpeace, and that amount is a week's worth of beer money. Stupid potheads. Dude was probably a trustafarian who could have easily afforded his own bong. I think I was the only guy working in school. Let's be honest, though, it was only Greenpeace. It's not like I was laying brick or doing any kind of real labor.

I apologize for the very rambling nature of my answers. I am on a great deal of narcotics because of the knee surgery, so I am pretty goofed right now. All my best, and have a great weekend!

Christianity is becoming a problem

It is true that we are at war right now. Not just a traditional war of guns and tanks, but a cultural war is afoot as well. When President Bush said "they hate us for our freedom", I think he could have been talking about this enemy, the Christian Right. Uuch, strong statement eh? I had to get your attention, because I believe the Christian Right is a bigger threat to decent Americans than radical Islamist. In fact, to many, the Christian Right is known as the 'American Taliban'. I think that is a fair description. Let's begin with a baseline of the term, so we are on the same page. This isn't an official designation of the term 'Christian Right', but it is mine: To me, they are not simply people of Christian faith. I got no beef with anyone of simple religious faith. That is their own weakness. No, they are people who are working full time to inflict their faith and their values on you and me. They are the decision makers working behind the scenes. They look just like us, they walk amongst us, and they pretend to care about us. What scares me is they aren't out there, they are right here in our own community. The call is coming from inside the house, if you know what I mean.

The war is on a few fronts for me:

1. is how they influence what I can and can not see (media censorship)
2. is how they place their values on us (the gay marriage issue)
3. they are an extremely big business, and aren't contributing to the tax base (taqx deferments)
4. they don't have to use the same rule book that we are held to (public health care codes)

I am concerned that they are forcing their will upon me. For example, let's look at television. You know that tv has become more heavily censored every year since nipple-gate. The fines for indecency have raised four fold just in the last year. Does this come from the outrage of families or tv watchers? No sir, 99% of all indecency complaints come from one organization... the Parents Television Council. This group is single handedly deciding what every single person in America is to watch. That isn't Democracy, nor is it the free market.

Lono, you say, someone must police these smut peddlers or they would just put anything on the air. While indeed the boundries are often being pushed to a increasingly desensitized youth, I submit the PTC isn't getting shit done. Know why? I picked up the TV guide and looked at the prime time line up of tv tonight on the big networks. The shows are almost entirely crime based shows.

A kid watching tv on CBS tonight will see about 11 dead bodies before he goes to bed. So this is the protected content? For whatever reason, this guy L. Brent Bozell isn't worried about violence on TV. The whole Itchy and Scratchy premise on the Simpsons is to critique that we teach our kids violence on tv is funny and doesn't count. Similarly, the entire premise of the South Park movie is that America would rather go to war against an ally than allow someone to cuss on tv. So, Brent believes dead bodies are ok but nudity is a capital sin... and the FCC agrees with him. Here is what I think about that, buster > I would much rather my child see a boobie than a dead body any day. Ever seen a dead body in person? It is a pretty fucked up thing that stays with you, even if they get the bad guy.

How about marriage? I am married, and I think gays should be able to get married. I think Al Shapton said it best (a sentence I rarely lead up with). The Reverend said that the ability to marry is a civil right. To say gays can't get married is, in my eyes, to say blacks or tall people can't get married. Marriage is a commitment between two people, not God or society... just two people.

No one is going to turn anyone gay if we allow gay marriage. In fact, wanna know another great (and very Republican) reason to allow gays to marry? Weddings are crazy good for the economy. My wife and I tried to do everything on the cheap, making our own centerpieces and all that business. We still blew $10,000. $10,000 is a lot of cabbage. Let's do some quick and crude math. America is about to hit 300 million people any day now. Let's assume 1% are gay (instead of the more common number I hear of 10%). 1% of 300 million is 3 million people. If those three million gay people got married to each other, that would generate 1.5 million weddings. 1.5 million weddings at $10,000 a piece is 15 billion dollars spend in the economy. With all these wars and tax cuts, 15 billion bucks sure would help out.

Also, the gay people I know (just like the stereotype) really do have nice taste. I would hazard a guess that they aren't going to marry on the cheap. Simply put, in conservative terms, gay marriage creates jobs! Oh, and the church telling us about virtue is comical. The divorce rate in America is about 50%, so who are we to tell people what a successful marriage is? We all know how well that turned out for the Catholics, didn't we. They fucked little boys, in a scandal so stinky it makes Mark Foley look like a saint. In fact, I think he now is a Catholic Saint. These Catholic church officials knew for decades, and shifted the offenders around the country. Guess what, Mr. Dobson, boinking is a biological imperative. It is mandated by nature, and to repress that only creates horrible and sometimes lethal consequences. Did you know that the Catholic Church is the largest landholder in the world? I heard that somewhere, but won't pretend to have data on it.

The church does not do this for us, they do this to us. We are moving to a Christian dictatorship, folks... so how do we differ from the Fundamentalist Islamic culture then? You want to say that the American Taliban doesn't represent the majority of Americans. Sadly, you are wrong. This is because James Dobson from Focus on the Family is a close adviser to President Bush. James Dobson is a radical hate filled nutjob, and he is calling the shots on our Supreme Court justices. You may be reading this thinking that I am a radical hate filled nutjob. Well, I have no authority, and no secret agenda. I believe in self determination for everyone, and that is where I differ with Islam and Catholicism.

Now we are getting at my big point, and my most serious beef... the non profit business. I do not think that churches, unless they are functioning as schools, should be tax exempt. These churches and their constituents, use the same roads, tapwater, fire department, and sewers that we do. On top of this, they guilt their flock to tithing 10% of their income back to the church. Why this frustrates me is that I have to pay my taxes to cover my share.... AND their share. I don't even go to church (obviously), so why am I buying the church government services? They are rich, can't they kick in?

These organizations and their leaders still rely on public services — police and fire protection, street lights and storm drains, highway and bridge maintenance, food and drug inspections, national defense. But their tax exemptions shift the cost of providing those benefits onto other citizens. The total cost nationwide is not known, because no one keeps track.
In an eye opening piece this week in the New York Times business section, they examined the ever growing role of Faith Based Initiatives and their damage to our taxbase. See, churches are getting past the churchin' business. They are opening day cares and restuarants too. Guess what, though? These businesses (I underline that these are businesses, not community outreach or faith based initiatives) are not just tax exempt... they are exempt from all regulations. Do you know how complicated the food safety regulations are for a restuarant? The rules of food preperation for the public are extremely meticulous, and for good reason. Religious organizations are exempt from these rules though, because of freedom of speech. Department of health can not go into a church run restuarant. So who is keeing your food safe? God, I guess.

The church is also in the child care business. The church has a very interesting loophole, though... they do not have to be licensed. The licensing of a day care is seriously stringent. It involves background checks for every single care provider. It dictates that every day care have a certain number of staffers per child. It dictates that every day care facility have two sinks, one just for preparing food. It dictates the kind of toys and the activities of the different age and development levels. These are things in place so that your child is safe in their hands. That is, unless your day care is a religious one.

Religious day care institutions do not have to be licensed. So, they can hire and fire without concern for labor law... and the Government can not even step foot in them because they are protected businesses. It is probably about the same, though, right? Wrong!

The rate of abuse in Christian day care centers in Texas was found to be TEN TIMES that of licensed day care providers. Why, because the Christian (and other religious) day care providers do not have to follow safety rules or protocols. They don't have to run backround checks on staffers, or have a minimum amount of staffers on hand to watch the children.
The argument that religious groups are victims of discrimination drew a sigh from Ms. White, the day care director in Alabama, where licensed day care centers are finding it harder to compete with unlicensed faith-based centers that do not have to comply with expensive licensing requirements.
Nope, because this would be impinging on their religious freedom of expression.

Let's read that sentence one more time before we close out.

“the rate of confirmed cases of abuse and neglect at alternatively accredited facilities in Texas is more than 10 times that of state-licensed facilities.”

So, who could possibly be against licensing day cares in the Churches? Yup, the Christian Coalition. Come on, really? The Christian Coalition doesn't want day cares to be licensed for our kids safety? It sounds like I am misleading the reader, so let's quote their lawyers:

John W. Giles, president of the state’s Christian Coalition, confirmed that his organization supported the exemption, noting that state oversight would be intrusive and was unnecessary
Unnecessary? It is unnecessary to protect our children? I disagree.

Society “treats Christianity like a second-class superstition,” Tom DeLay, then a Republican representative from Texas, told the crowd. “Seen from that perspective, of course there is a war on religion.”

What? That is the most retarded statement ever, and ignorant as well. AS John Stewart said "Christianity, you won! It is over, you have all the government and the holidays and schools and the songs too". We treat Scientology as a second class superstition... becuase it is. Oh, and they (Sceintologits) are afforded all of these protections we just discussed too.

Wednesday, October 11

Sorry, no checks

I love the English language. It is a comfort to me, and I feel I have a near mastery of it. I have a degree in literature because I so fond of the arrangement and use of words. That is why this site above makes me cry. This is a lettered sign at my local bar. Listen, I understand if you don't want to take checks. I wouldn't ever take checks. These days, a check is roughly as good as an 'I owe you' written on a bar napkin. I get the no checks issue, but I don't get the quotation marks.

So the 'no checks' thing isn't what bothers me. The grammer is ok, as is the spelling. What are the quotation marks for? This troubles me greatly. It troubles me so greatly that I just got up and drove to that bar just to take a digital picture of their door. I didn't even go in for a beer, that is the kind of restraint and dedication I have to you. I tried to explain this grammar faux paus to my wife and she thought I was a spaz and explained no one cares. But you care, reader, right?

Traditionally, a quotation marks indicates words spoken by another... verbatim. Also, a quotation can also demark a saying or colloqialism. This situation is neither. Unless we are directly quoting the owner, but I don't think that is necessary. My real concern is I think they are trying to make it seem friendly, as if we are having conversation. Somehow, I think they are trying to soften the sting of the policy. My theory is this: they think the no check policy will put patrons off. Basically, they are accusing their patrons of being deadbeats. In order to soften the blow of the accusation, they place it in quotation marks. The rage this incites is me is almost too much to bear. "Thanks for reading"

Monday, October 9

Fire your congressperson

Good afternoon. I read another political poll today that explained how most American's do not approve of the job that congress is doing... 75%, in fact. The reasons are myriad, but we know our congress sucks major ass. We know they have voted themselves some seven pay raises since the last time minimum wage was raised over nine years ago. You know they are pedophiles, thieves, and murderers.

Here is the deal, though... it is your fault. Why? Because Congressfolk are retained in election is approaching 90% every election. Do you see the problem here? 70% of Americans think their congressperson sucks ass, and yet 90% of these dirtballs get re-elected every time. So what is the message we send them? Do what you want. I will never approve of you, but your job is safe. Why do we even have elections? You are just going to vote for the same a-hole again

I have a theory. I think you hate everyone in Congress except your congressman. You actually believe that your Congressman is in there fighting for you, and those other guys suck ass. Problem is, everyone in America thinks that so everyone gets a pass.

There is only one solution - fire them. I don't care if you have Democrat or Republican representation. Vote out the incumbant and put a new dude (or dude-ette) there. I ask you to fire every single member of Congress. Can you imagine how much that would shake up politics as usual? People would remember that for a hundred years, and they would stop shitting on us. FIRE YOUR CONGRESSMAN! Vote in November, and change the world.