Where are the archives?

If you are like most of my readers, you are wondering how you can get more of my yummy goodness. You are right to be curious, and that is sexy. See, right now my archives aren't working. I have 497 pieces I have written since 2003. Mind you, they aren't all gems. Some, in fact, age as well as velveeta. Others, like my 'Lono for Senate' piece are so goddamn good that they age like Lindsay Lohan (in jail). Oh, my formatting wasn't always great either. Anything over a couple of years and it looks like run on sentences. I want to reformat them, but 497?

I tell you that to tell you this, I have found a sort of work around regarding the archives issue. This site has built into it a search application, with the power of Google. Of course, my archives worked perfectly until Google took over. I am not here to diss the good people at google, though. I love google, by the way. Not only does their search engine rule, they own this application and allow me to write for free. Anyway, you can google search through the entire histroy of this site. The catch is this, you have to know what you are looking for. I think the topics I have written about are sufficiently diverse enough to warrant you just typing anything in. I mean, it will pick up 'shoe' or 'sun'. So, you don't have to be high minded in your goals. Now, for the how:



See that picture right there? See how it matches the upper left portion of your screen? It does. You can use that to run a search that will only index this site. As an example, I used 'United Airlines' because they so often let me down they are like regulars here. This particular search yielded 6 seperate pieces, or 'posts'.

Note that they start with the oldest at the bottom. So, in order for them to make sense, start at the bottom. What is strange is the results that come back seem abridged. For exampe, why didn't my 'RetarTed' piece come up? It is most certainly about United I assure you this will have milk shooting out your nose in no time. I sure hope so, I can't have milk anymore. Wife says it isn't good for us... seriously. Who am I, John Lennon?

Friday Fives

1. Your people want to make a statue in your honor. What will it be made out of and what victory will it commemorate?

we have discussed this, actually twice. That being said, I want everyone to understand this would be the right thing to do. Allow me to recap - it would be a landscape water/mountain sort of thing. I would be an ecosystem and look mostly like ponts and hills from the ground. However, from a bird's eye view you would look down at my smiling visage. This would, of course, be paid for by tax payer dollars. Yup, just tell the Feds it's something Christian... they will roll right over.

2. If you were a wrestler, what would be your finishing move?

crapping on my recently vanquished foe's chest. That assumes, of course that I won. I mean, I don't just go around town crapping on people. Well, not unless they are vanquished foes I mean.

3. Would You Rather… be machine-gunned to death with Lite-Brite pegs -or- be assasinated by Cabbage Patch Dolls?

the second. To quote the late Mitch Hedburg, it would be the cutest infestation ever. By the way, this is also the second time we have addressed this exact question. You'd think since Roy steals his material from other sites... at least he would dig a little more.

4. What is the phrase least likely to be uttered by you?

Is that all that is left of today's mass? Hmmm That was fun, how about some more things least likely to be uttered by me?

please, no more ice cream.
It was right after the second time I voted for Bush.
Man, I sure miss living in the desert.
Dogs, why would we need another dog?
the lord taught us masturbation is a SIN

5. Friday Fill-In: How much time has passed since you last _____?

walked? almost exactly one week

You really aren't that nice, are you?

You know, I looked up to you people. I used to. I always felt I was kind of a heartless and elitist bastard. See, I am smarter than most, and better than most. So, I like to titter away at others. I never felt good about this, it just happens. I use this site as a confessional. I tell y'all about who I hate or feel better than, and that kind of absolves me. This is like my diary, but better.

Some time ago in the Fives, a question was 'what is your favorite word'. I answered 'schadenfreuden' and explained the word. Then, I actually hyperlinked the word to dictionary.com so you could understand such a twisted concept as digging others' failure. In fact, there is no single American equivalent to scadenfreuden. Nope, it's a German word. I thought I was better than you for knowing such a fancy and long word. Surely I thought you cared for people more than I do.

Then, I discovered this little phemon tonight... American Idol. Yes, the wife has made we watch it in the past, but tonight I watched it just for me. Why, to watch all these suck ass turdballs humiliate themselves on national tv. Wow, people really do suck. I mean, how is there not an English equivalent of schadenfreuden when a show like 'Idol' exists? Whatever, I'm a dick and I accept that.

Turns out somewhere between 30 and 50 million people will have watched American Idol tonight. Yeah, as many people that voted watched Idol. Don't you go acting like you appreciate the arts, either. This was the audition show which is two most excellent hours of American Suckitude. My point is this; you people are sick! You all love failure. You tape, you DVR it, you invite family and friends over to revel in it. What this means is that you are not better than me. This changes everything. Regardless, I appreciate your readership greatly. According to my numbers, there are approximately 30 of you who read daily. However, that could be spam robots trolling for ads and e mail addresses. More likely, it is about 4 of your. Still, I am gracious. I'd love chat, but I just got the Playboy with the Cylon chick on the cover in the mail. So, uh, I got some research to do in the oold office.

Goodnight. Probably won't write again until the Fives, as I can't get to my computer. It is a floor away in the house and I had knee surgery so I am stuck on the main floor.

Arizona Cardinals - your chance to shine

If you watch football, you know the Cardinals are terrible. You know that they have always been terrible and will always be terrible. Money is not an issue with this team, because they won't spend it. Remember, the Cardinals are the team who played at Arizona State University for 15 years. This is the athletic equivalent of living in your mother's basement when you are 40. You may also know I am from Phoenix, so this pains me.

The good news, I think, is that the Arizona Cardinals are not the worst team in the history of football. Though close, that honor goes to the New Orleans Saints. They have been called the 'Aints' for good reason. The numbers I am drawing from to call the Aints the worst is by play off record for the history of the teams. The Aints have been so bad for so long that when Hurricane Katrina took out the Superdome, the city tried to use that as an out to unload the Aints. The team wasn't profitable, and hadn't been in years.

Profitability is important, and more important than winning sadly. Remember that the NFL is first and foremost a business. This is why you have to pay $75 for terrible seats, $40 to park... etc. This is why I don't go to more than one Broncos game a year... can't afford it.

So, how did New Orleans even keep a team? They were notoriosuly terrible, and unprofitable. It became an important gesture to keep the team in New Orleans, since the city could use something to root for. So the city took millions and, instead of fixing the city or offering assistance, put the stadium back together. A swell feat, until you consider they spent 100 million on a building that is used 9 to 10 days a year.

I digress, we were supposed to be talking about the Cardinals... and I will. See, something happened this year that wasn't supposed to happen, and hasn't ever happened. The Aints are good. The Saints are great, and keep winning. Yesterday they became the first team to advance in the playoffs a year after going 2-14. Yeah, I watched the Saints last night for the first time in forever (their games aren't broadcast out West) and I was impressed. They kicked the Eagles' butt, and the Eagles played a really really good game. So the Saints won this week, and it looks like they will win next week. Where does that put them in the pantheon of all-time suck? Well, no longer on the bottom.

Arizona, this is your chance to take the reigns. This year, the Cardinals had plenty of talent, and a brand new stadium. Surely, that would be a jolt of positivity, right? Nope, because we are talking about the Cardinals. Earlier this year, in the loss to the Bears, the Cardinals orchestrated the biggest failure in NFL history... and it was on national TV too!

This summer will be that hallowed time when all fans say 'this could be our year'. Everybody feels good about their team in August. That is, unless you are a Cardinals fan. Whose fault is it? The Bidwells, the owners. Sadly, this isn't even a great sports discussion (like who was the best QB). It is just known as fact that the Bidwells are monsters who will only do the bare minimum to keep the team in business. This is why it took the team 15 years to get a stadium. Nobody on earth wants to subsidize the Bidwells. It would be like giving your dog a treat right after he shit in your shoes. You don't reward that behaviour. It is also why the Broncos waited to win a superbowl before they asked us for a new stadium.

Now that my beloved Broncos are out, I guess I'll end this with

Go Saints!