Liberals treat dogs like people, Conservatives treat people like dogs

Saturday, August 18


Some years ago, I invented this drink. It was college, so I was doing plenty of research on the issue. Anyhow, I share this with you mostly so that I have it on paper... in case someone else invents it and takes credit. It is rather yummy, and you should several. It is called a 'Lono'.

1 shot Malibu rum
1 shot Bacardi 151
fill the rest with Sprite
at a floater (approx 1/2 ounce) of grenadine

Friday, August 17

Friday Fives

1. What do you hang on to that you should really get rid of?

The guilt I still carry for killing that kid. I mean, he was fat and probably would have been a drain on taxpayer resources, right? I mean, a kid that fat probably might have died anyway, right? I mean, if you saw him, you wouldn't be mad at me. It's not like he would have voted or anything. Besides, he dressed terribly and his parents were jerks. Really, you should thank me. I mean, he did... but I kinda made him.

2. Do you have a favorite year of school?

well, yeah. This is gonna sound strange, but here goes > it was probably my freshman year of high school. See, in eighth grade I was told that as a freshman I would be beat senseless. I was told I would be made to push pennies with my nose. Seriously, I believed it. Also, every teen movie even intimated I would be beaten constantly.

So, eighth grade kinda sucked because I kept dreading high school. that never happened. In fact, high school was awesome. I had lots of friends, and there were a gazllion chicks. None that wanted me, but what did my hormones care? I just wanted to look at girls all day long. Man, puberty was brutal... but high school rocked!

3. Would you rather cry porridge OR sweat garlic butter?

easy answer, the garlic one. I love to cook, and garlic is a great deal of trouble to deal with. You have to peel, roast, and chop. That ain't all, either. See, garlic is sensitive and you can only add it at the very end of cooking. Otherwise, it burns off. So, if I had a surplus of garlic pouring from me... all good things would come. In fact, if I sweated garlic... you would be having dinner with me right now instead of reading this lame ass jibba jabba.

4. Have you ever gone fishing?

Oh, sweeet lordy yes. I love fishing, and it is one of few things that help me relax. Like golf, it is something I am sincerely terrible at.... but love to do. Also, working on my casting of lures is like my golf swing > I like practicing more than the actual thing. There are a great deal of things I am complacent about in life, but I will always be working towards a better swing and a better cast. Funny, I just realized that if I put the energy into writing or work that I put into my golf swing... I wouldn't be writing for you douchebags. Just kidding, you are great! You're the cream of the jerkstore choices!

Also, just because I like to kill fish for sport doesn't speak to larger issues. Fishing is a sport, and isn't any kind of link to murderous behaviour. Do you see my point, Dr Landy? I know you are reading this and I know you are going to ask me if fishing has anything to do with unresolved issues of killing that kid. Well, it doesn't! Plenty of my new friends like to fish who haven't killed anybody

5. What are you going to do right after you finish answering these questions?

well, if I have any sense I will go to bed. It's almost one am and I gotta work in the morning. More likely, I will scrounge up a ciggie and pour another glass of wine.

Monday, August 13

Proud to be a sinister American

I am sinister. Super sinister. how sinister? I am talking about putting baby kittens in a blender kinda sinister. I am the most sinister person I know. I mean really, really sinister. Know what that means? It means bad, evil, darkness, or Democrat... right? Actually, those are all wrong. Righty the man would have you believe I am bad. See, 'sinister' is simply Latin for left handed. Yeah, we get a bad rap. What do you know about your left handed neighbors? Well, Imma gonna learn ya.

10% of Americans are lefties. In the animal kingdom, handedness is found evenly dispersed. Because we are right brained, lefties are move creative. Creative being the veiled way of saying 'weird'. Seriously, think of the weirdest person you know, I bet you they are left handed. Lefties don't live as long as righties, because things are made for righties. What kind of things? Well; cars, chainsaws, guns, scissors. There are many others, but these are the things that can kill folks.

The life of a lefty is one of scorn, adjustment, and super bad handwriting. Be glad, though. Things used to be worse. In the olden days (50 years ago and back) teachers and society tried to correct left handedness. Guess what, it doesn't work... and in fact makes things worse. Lefties are more likely to stutter, and become alcoholics. Fun, huh? Today is national Lefthanded day, and it is high time y'all start appreciating us.

Sunday, August 12

on why Prarie Dogs can see forever

I was reading Charles Bukoski on the shitter this morning. Bukowski is a great writer, and absolutely one of my favorites. I am not a great writer, but I seek to be. So, as a student of the form, I study. I ask myself > self, what is it that separates you from great writers? What can I do to up my game.

Well, I could write better. I could, but that would probably require some kind of formal training or mentorship. Egads, it might even cost money. Why bother? I'll just keep practicing on you rubes for while.

Then, it hit me. Somthing great writers and musicians have. It may be the most important arrow in their quiver (asides from talent, and ability) > obtuse and cryptic titles that pertain to nothing. A ah! I've done it.