Liberals treat dogs like people, Conservatives treat people like dogs

Friday, April 13

Good news from the White House

Not something you expect to hear me say, is it? Me neither. Do you remember Tony Snow? He was the new press secretary for the Bush Crime Family. I really didn't care for him at all. He just came across as a total dick. When you represent total dicks for a living, you should maybe be a likable guy. Scott McClelland was a likable guy. You are a likable guy. Anyhow, Tony Snow stepped down for health reasons.

So I was checkin' today, as I do about every waking second. This is where I found her. Her is Dana Perino, the new White House Press Secretary. I haven't heard a word she has said, yet. I can't say anything about her tone, which is super important to me. Here is the thing, though... she is HOT. Holy crap is she hot. I mean, even though is a professional apologist for the Bush Crime Family... she is hot. Seriously, just look at her.

I think this is a great move for the White House. I think it is a great move for Women in leadership positions. Most importantly, I don't have to listen to Tony Snow sneer at me through his elitist jerkface. I say to you, Ms. Perino, that I love you. Good luck in your new position, you have to defend these asshats now. Still, this is a great career move and a dream for journalists everywhere (isn't it? I don't know, I am not a journalist.

Friday Fives

1. Who was your first crush?

I am thinking way back to about 4th or 5th grade. I was really sweet on this girl named Jill. I don't remember her last name, or I would freely offer it here. After some cajoling from a friend, I mustered up the courage to call her and ask her if she would be my steady. She didn't answer, I think she was really puzzled and surprised. Eventually, I hung up scared and assumed that we were now a couple. She wouldn't ever talk to me at school again, so I guess I didn't do it right. Keep in mind, a phone call almost 30 years ago was a big thing. No one had their own lines, or caller ID. That means I had to call and talk to her parents and explain who I was. Then, uncomfortably talk to her, knowing fully well she was in the family room with everyone watching and listening (we didn't have a phone in every room back then). Man, I totally botched that job, eh?

2. Are you an introvert or an extrovert?

initially, the former. Once I get to know you, or have a few drinks in me... very much the other.

3. What is your favorite non-sexual thing you like to do with the love of your life?

meaning, things that don't involve playing with her boobs? Gee, I don't know. After 11 years together, that is still pretty much my happy place.

4. Name one quirky habit your partner does that either annoys you or makes you grin.

We are super bad liars to each other. We don't even try because we know each other and our 'tells' so well... that each lie ends in embarrassed laughter before it is even told.

5. Do you believe in monogamous relationships?

without question. 11 years together says that strongly. Plus, I can't get any other girls to have sex with me. She isn't reading this, is she? Just kidding, honey. You are number one! Ha ha, I make funny for the blog. Please don't keep me in this weekend.

Thursday, April 12


I have little feet, like... woman feet. There I said it. Back to the story. How do I feel about Imus being fired. I wouldn't have fired him, probably, but certainly understand it. Why? Because Imus is an intolerant old doofus. Everyone knows that. Everyone who listens to Imus is an intolerant old doofus. Everyone also knows that. What do I care about two intolerant old doofi telling racist jokes to each other? I don't really.

I like that we know Imus is a racist, that is the most important thing to come out of these scandals. Now we know who is racist. Everytime one of them outs themselves, it saves me the trouble. I don't know that you need to fire him, but make him walk around with a scarlet 'R' on his vest. Same for Kramer & Mel Gibson & Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise? Yes, because there aren't any black Scientologists except for Chef. I have no respect for racism, but apparently I do have some tolerance. Why? Because everyone is racist. Every single living human on the planet is racist to some degree. It is human nature and self preservation.

For example, when I was in high school I had long hair. At lunch, I sat at the table with the other long hairs. Why? Because I know we have at least something in common, and there is strength in numbers... in case the meatheads come after us. Doesn't make it right, but I did get through high school quite nicely. What is important is to recognize your own prejudices, and not let them affect your decision making. I mean, is there a bigger racist in the public eye than Al Sharpton? Nope, because he has made a lifestyle (and a fortune).

So, how do you avoid the slippery slope of intolerance and accusation? Keep your thoughts to yourself, and treat everyone you meet with respect. It is that simple - 'Be Excellent to each other'.

Ok, I wanna close with some words from Henry Rollins. Henry says racism is for the stupid and the weak. "Why hate someone for the color of their skin? If you take the time to get to know them, there is so much more to hate". It sounds extreme at first, but that is actually a pretty progressive way to think about it. Be Excellent to Each Other.