Friday Fives

1. Who is a good friend?

You are, dear reader, you are. Also, Roy is a great pal who taught me how to do this online ranting business, and encouraged me as well.

2. What feels good today?

When you touch me right there, just like that.

3. Do you drink wine?

you bet your hairless ass I do! Almost exclusively Merlot. I love a merlot that is not too sweet, and not too warm. This 'room temperature' business is crap. If you are drinking your red wine at 72 degrees, you are drinking vinegar. I learned this super awesome rule of thumb from some wine show, it is called the 20 minute rule. If you keep your red wine in the fridge, pull it out 20 minutes before you are ready to drink it. If your wine is on the counter, put it in the fridge 20 minutes before you drink it. Trust me, this totally works.

4. Would you rather be me, or a panda?

tough question, as I am already me. That being said, I would go with being a panda. Who doesn't love a panda?

5. Who was the bully on your playground?

Well, I'll tell you the last physical fight I was in. Dude's name was Todd and he was a dick. I was about 7 years old. Don't remember why we fought, just that it happened on the playground. I lost. My knee went out on me and I fell in great pain. What sucked, and has always haunted me, is that I lost not because he beat me up... but because my knee snapped out of place. Fast forward almost 30 years and I am recovering from yet another knee surgery. My knees have been an achilles heel all my life. After this surgery, I am thinking I'll be bionic. I mean, I don't really have anything more to replace.

As for you Todd, your time is coming. In fact, let's go ahead and set the time and place, bitch. I won't be back in Phoenix until probably September. Let's you and me meet on the playground at Hopi Elementary at 12:15 pm on September 3rd. Got it? If you aren't there, it counts as a forfeit... that's all I am saying. good luck, Todd.

100% Heterosexual!

Today, Reverend Ted Haggard held a press conference to tell the world that he is 100% heterosexual. Apparently, he thought you should know, and he thought you would care. He has been in 'treatment' now for three weeks and he is all better. He is no longer thinking of smearing butter on male prostitutes, then layering them gently with cinnamon and confectioners sugar to lick them clean off the deck off a yacht in international waters. Nope. He is totally all better.

He will no longer be meeting with male prostitutes to not do meth together. No sir. He is not wearing a banana hammock full of sedatives and cocaine to church anymore, because could be construed gay. In fact, he is probably not plowing the hershey highway this very second as I write this, because of how gay he isn't. He probably didn't even just take a load to the face from a homeless bum behind the church for $25, while still in his priest's robe.

You know what? That was tasteless and inappropriate and I apologize. The purpose of this piece is to mock Haggard, not gays. In fact, using the Ward Churchill methodology*, I am gay myself.

Nope, that stuff is behind him (I said behind... tee hee) after three trying weeks of 'therapy'. It is official, he is not gay. Remember that scene in the movie '40 Year Old Virgin' where the two guys riff about 'you know how I know you are gay'? Let me tell you one sure way to tell if someone is gay: If they hold a press conference to explain that they aren't. For example, some years ago baseball star Mike Piazza held a news conference strictly to explain he wasn't gay. I don't know anything about Mike Piazza... except this... dude is probably gay.

See, with over 90% of the population being not gay, being 'straight' is implied. It is assumed you are not gay unless: you get caught having sex with men (like Rev Haggard) or you have a press conference to tell everyone how not gay you are (like Rev Haggard).

You see, Ted, no one cares if you are gay. It really isn't our business. The reason why we want you to suffer greatly is because you spent your life telling gay people they would die in a lake of fire. Guess what, Ted, if that were true... you better have some fireproof swim trunks. Having a press conference doesn't make anyone any more or less gay... it just tells everyone not to believe you.

* Ward Churchill methodology - see, when Ward Churchill got nailed for abuse, plagiarism, slander, threatening his ex wife's family with murder, and libel (amongst other things) he demanded to be respected because he was a Native American. In fact, the only thing Churchill hasn't got caught doing is this story on child porn. Let's just type this sentence out so it becomes google searchable > Ted Haggard & Ward Churchill in child porn scandal.

Neither of them were involved in that. He explained the reason why he wrote an essay that justified every single murder on Sept 11th, 2001 was because he understood genocide. He claimed he was a victim of the man because he was a Native American.

Turned out, he isn't really even that. He is like 1/126th American Indian. He is a douchebag. His American Indian status is so fictional that even the native American community does not accept him. He was not accepted into AIM, in fact. If that makes him a Native American, then surely I am 1/126th gay. I mean, who doesn't think about Johnny Depp every night just before they drop off to sleep? Not me, because that would be gay! Ok, maybe a little.