Friday Fives

1. If you could retroactively erase one TV show from the history of entertainment, which one would you choose?

I guess this is censorship, but it would be the "O'Reilly Factor". The reason is this > it is the number one cable 'news show'. O'Reilly isn't news, I think even he will admit that. He is newstainment®, with a strong right bent. I don't mind the right bent, we are all politically motivated. What I do mind is how he pretends to be neutral or says 'no spin'. Dude is a righty who pretends not to be, and that insults me. It also worries me that people are getting their news from him thinking it is objective.

You people know me, I am far from objective. I am a liberal progressive bleeding heart ACLU card carrier. No hidden agenda. I lay it out honestly, I hate Republicans. Ok, Bill... your turn.

2. Are you more like your mother or your father?

physically and genetically, I am absolutely identical to my father. I am a replica of old man. As for emotionally and spiritually, I would say my father. Short example: my father votes Republican. Yeah, it kills me. I called him on election night to say hi and he answered the phone 'Bush victory campaign headquarters'. Now you see why I am in therapy.

3. If you could take a year-long vacation, what would you do?

Mexico, baby. Gimme two hours to pack and I am gone. I don't even need a plane ticket. I'll bus to the border and hitchhike to the coast. Mexico is my happy place. What is a 'happy place'? A happy place is where my therapist tells me to go mentally whenever I remember that my dad is a Republican and my brother is a Wal Mart apologist. Looks like it is just you and me, Grainger.

4. Would You Rather… Fight Me -or- Make Sweet Love? (Things to consider: I might be a 16 year old Homecoming Queen; or I might be a 43 year old postal worker who enjoys anal play.)

Well, I know you well. You are a 40 year old dude who lives with his sister... so I am going to take the 'make sweet love' choice. I bet you are a tender lover.

5. Can you think of a reason not to answer this question?

um, no

My new phone

I have the sweetest new phone on the planet. Seriously, it is way nicer than yours, and that is just stating fact. Check out the picture. It takes remarkable pictures and videos. It gets satellite radio. Seriously, there are friggin' satellite's circling the Earth exclusively to deliver Huey Lewis to my phone. Also, it plays movies. MOVIES! When I powered my phone up yesterday, it asked me (the phone, that is) asked me if I wanted to watch Scarface. How does one handle such a question? Of course I said yes, because I didn't want a horse's head in my bed.

Then, of course, it told me it was $4. Four bucks? Screw that. That movie is a zillion years old. Why didn't you tell me that before you got me all excited? Still, this screen is considerably bigger than my iPod, and came with stereo headphones. Why not watch movies on it? It also has video games which are way more cool than anything I ever had growing up. It knows the weather, and knows where I am to deliver the weather. To say my phone is a 'personal digital assistant' would be to undermine it's abilities.

So, my phone is the greatest... and it handles my memos and e mails too. Oh, and the coverage is dope. It roams, so I have mad coverage. It does everything a computer and walkman and GPS satellite receiver and date book and hot little redhead assistant could do. I have polyphonic ring tones. I don't know what that means either, but I bet you don't have polyphonic ringtones.

So, I feel kinda like I am talking about of class when I tell you this: um... it isn't really a great phone. I mean > it is a great PDA and e mail tool and MP3 player and all that. It is the best satellite radio station thingy I have. It just isn't a well designed phone. It is way too slim to be comfortable in my hands. Also, it is too slim to hold in the crick of my neck when my hands are full. That is hands free operation to me, and this little bugger doesn't do it. Now, I need to go about and buy a proper phone... the kind that just makes phone calls.

It is the Samsung 'Blade'. They advertise it being thin as a credit card. To be fair, that is a great attribute... for a credit card. I don't know much. To be fair, I only paid $30. Hell, just as an MP3 player that is a fair price. I ain't a phone guy and obviously don't work for a phone company... but can someone make a cool phone that feels like a phone? Really, I am the idiot for buying this phone. Some demographer is wettin' himself yelling 'thinner, thinner, goddamnit I want it thinner' in a Manhattan office somewhere.

So why did I get it? To be totally honest, I got it because it is so much cooler than yours. Problem is, in a few months... the technology will change again and you will have a totally cooler phone than mine. You will probably have the 34 megapixel telephoto camera phone that hovers. Me? I'll be stuck with this for two years, less I pay the penalty contract thingy which apparently involves $200 and "at least one of your dogs."

I am retiring, too

Ok, you may have heard the news this week... Jake Plummer is retiring. Jake was the Quarterback for my beloved Broncos. Jake got benched midseason for sucking. No big deal, that happens. You should also know if you read here that I always defended Jake. Oh, they slaughtered him in the media. It was 'Jake the Mistake' etc. Not me, I stood behind him because I have followed his career since he was a Sun Devil (I went to ASU my first year, see). Anyhow, my first thought upon hearing this is 'Don't you have to be good, to retire?'

I know that sounds mean, but the guy is 32. He has about two first round play off games under his belt. That isn't retiring, that is quitting. Retiring is what John Elway did after 15 years and five Superbowls (two of them were wins). When I hear about Jake Plummer 'retiring', I can't help but think of Cyrin' Leaf. If you don't know that football story, I can't go into it now. So, I will give you another analogy.

Jake Plummer saying he is 'retiring' is like saying Tupac was 'assasinated'. No, he wasn't. He was just shot, that's all. Jake is 32, and he is done. I am 34, and so today I am announcing my retirement. Not from writing, I'll always be here for you. I mean from my sucky day job that pays for everything. I ain't quittin', because that is loser talk. Nope, I am retiring. This Friday will be my last day, I expect cake and watches and crap like that. Now I just sit back and go fishing and stuff. Remember, even if you win the rat race, you are still a rat. See you at the lodge, suckers.