Liberals treat dogs like people, Conservatives treat people like dogs

Saturday, October 21

Akeela and the Bee

Producer Lawrence Fishburn stars in and produces a feel good story that reminds us of education and its part in our lives. Oh my god, did he not carry Star wars? The story brings us along a beautiful and precocious inner city girl Akeela (oscar bound Dakota Fanning). Without revealing too much of the tale, there is an impressive supporting cast that supports Akeela to show us all that family and friends make us all better. One such mentor in the story is Akeela’s principle, Booger. Remember Booger from ‘Revenge of the Nerds’? Oh my god that movie rocks. Remember that scene when that other nerd scored the hot girl because he was dressed up as Darth Vader and it was mistaken identity? Remember? Then, remember how she was like “wow, are all nerds that good?” and he was totally like “yeah”. That was sweet.

You guys remember when Booger was on that mountain, K12? He was going to help John Cusack’s character ski K12 to win back the love of his life? Then, remember how Booger was all “this is pure snow, Columbian gold. Do you know the street value of this mountain? It must be millions.”. That was rad, cause it was a play on the idea that ‘snow’ is street slang for cocaine. Then, remember that kid who was a paperboy and kept yelling about his two dollars? It was well placed, because of course the sheer absurdity of seeing such a secondary antagonist so late in the story arc really sold the gag.

See, the story turns around on itself, and becomes a mirror to all of us. To say it is a feel good story is almost to patronize it. At first, we sympathize with the nerds, and laugh at their quirks. Before we know it, we are empathizing with them? Know the difference? Careful, because I am about to blow your mind. To sympathize is to feel bad. To empathize is to know the experience. Yeah, wrap your noggin around that, poindexter – we like the nerds because we are the nerds.

Anyhow, I thought Akeela and the Bee is a triumph of the heart… and the mind. This little small town girl kicks butt and takes names in athe national spelling bee is more than family film, it is an 'American Story'.

Thursday, October 19

Friday Fives

1. What is your favorite local website? What makes it so good?

9news It is where I go to find out everything happening locally, newswise. For some reason, I have always held local NBC news higher than all the others, and it was the same in Phoenix. The site is prompt, well set up, and succinct. I mean, go ahead and look at another local resource, like Denver Post. It is way too busy, and you can only see one story. Visually, it is a car crash. However, when you look at, every single story is viewable on the main page. Each story comes with a picture and a mini synopsis. Plus, I am quite smitten with their weather gal.

2. What do you remember about your childhood before you began school.

So we are talking 0-5? Very little, but all happy. Everything was great. Two big brothers, a big house with a yard, dogs, loving parents. My childhood was perfect. I can tell you what I guess would be my earliest memory... the first day of Kindergarden. I think I was 5. My mom took me and I was totally terrified. I thought everyone would be mean to me and they would give me homework. I didn't even know what homework was, but my older brothers assured me it was akin to death and I would get extra helpins of it. In fact, my brothers probably told me I would get breat up daily, or something like that. It wasn't malicious, this is just what older brothers do. So yeah, Kindergarden totally freaked my shit out. Of course it turned out fine, but that was one tramatic morning.

3. List the order in which you would rather: Date, Marry, Screw, Play Ping Pong Against, or Create a Revolutionary Movement with?
Jerome Bettis, Molly Ringwald, George Stephanopoulos, Menudo, Tiger Woods

I would fer sure screw Molly Ringwald, even though I haven't seen her in 20 years. The breakfast club is a part of my generations' psyche. The other offers I don't much care about. Know what? All those people are short, Roy. What are you trying to say? Maybe because I am short I can only have deranged fantasy sex and imaginary military coups with other short people? God, you are such a biggot.

4. What are the first five songs that come up on your mp3 player when you hit random shuffle.

Luckily, the trusty ole iPod is right here getting docked with new tunes. Let's see. Full random generates 4,718 songs. In full random you get:

1. Savior - Red Hot Chili Peppers
2. I Want You - Bob Dylan
3. Yellow Ledbetter - Pearl Jam
4. I think I see the light - Cat Stevens
5. Attics of my life - Grateful Dead

I'd say that is a very good representation of my music likes. I must confess I have no idea what that Chili Peppers song is, though.

5. If you could hang a motto in every home, what would that motto be?

Very simple. Perhaps the greatest words ever spoken. It is a movie quote from George Carlin's character Rufus in 'Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure'. Honestly, you may put this on my grave, and I would be proud to be remembered by this thought:

Be Excellent To Each Other

I was wrong

There it is, I said it. With a weighty name like 'I am Correct', I am held to a higher standard. On rather rare occasions, I am wrong. It happened once with the 2004 election, and on this stingray business. A couple of weeks ago, I did an elegy for the croc hunter, which turned out mostly to bag on Australians for attacking Stingrays.

Dude, I'm totally freaking out. Stingrays have changed the playbook, and have turned on mankind. All the rules have changed, and the ocean is now our enemy. Check out this story that broke today:
An 81-year-old resident was in critical condition today, a day after a spotted eagle stingray jumped onto his boat in the Intracoastal Waterway and stabbed him in the chest, leaving a foot-long barb stuck in his heart, authorities said.

WTF? A Stingray jumped into dude's boat and then stung him? They can't just jump on the boat and do stuff like that, can they? I mean, aren't there rules? Stingrays can't jump, can they? I mean, it's flat. Flat things can't jump, can they? This changes everything. I mean, Steve Irwin was messin' with the Stingray, and so it defended itself. Ok, he was fair game Mr Stingray. This is out of line, though. This guy wasn't even fishing.

Know what this means? Since I am American, this means war. I am driving to California tonight. I am going to get a gun and when I get to the beach... I am just going to start shooting at the ocean. Oh yeah, this is how we solve things, baby! Then, I am going to reload and charter a boat. Don't worry, I'll be wearing a kevlar life jacket. I am going to get out as deep as we can and I am just going to shoot a few hundred rounds straight down. This is America, bubba. Don't mess with the best!

Tuesday, October 17

One Hour Photo

Did I ever tell you guys this story? It's a true story, and a funny one... to me at least. A couple of years back I went to take some film to Target's One Hour Photo. Since the wife and I were shopping there, we filled we could kill an hour at Target. I love Target, and don't even get me started on Supertarget. I could move there.

So, I take my film to the whipper shapper at the counter and explain I'd like the One Hour treatment. He explained it would take about two hours. I understand, they were busy. So, I asked him if I would get a discount on the 'One Hour Rate'. He explained there would be no discount, as one hour service was never implied or promised. I am a bit agitated at this point, but I generally thrive in this environment. I said to the guy, what about your service? What about the name right on your tag that says "One Hour Photo". The kid looked at me and said, not remotely jokingly

That's just the name of the place, sir