Liberals treat dogs like people, Conservatives treat people like dogs

Thursday, October 20

Friday Fives

1. What's your favorite animated characters?

whatever Seth McFarlane hands me on a plate

2. Who is your favorite superhero?

crazy al, from Al's Crazy Cars and Trailers in Littleton, Colorado. He makes bad prices disappear, and good cars affordable. Oh really? Well then let's see you do that 'mad al' from Mad Al's Electronics and Video Games. You still haven't even fixed my little brother's Nintendo

3. What would your super outfit look like?

mostly like Renquist's robe... lots of stripes and stuff. The stripes are thinning.

4. What would your catch phrase/calling card be?

fuck you, buddy

5. If you could have any superpower what would it be?

invisibility. mostly, to check out naked ladies... but I guess I could use it to solve injustice. Nope, I probably pants a couple of Republicans on tv and then to back to checkin' out naked babes. I'd have to say it would be really cool to hang out in the White House just to hear the conversations of the people running the world, regardless of who was president.

Wednesday, October 19

Regarding tonight's Lotto draw

Wow! I mean, wow. I have a lot of apologizing to do.

First let me state that I did not win Powerball tonight, despite that many calls to your cell phone implying otherwise... but that isn't why I am writing. I am writing because I feel I handled things poorly. Turns out the numbers by buddy Larry gave me earlier were not the winning numbers, and I am not the proud owner of a 340 million dollar winning ticket. That being said... I want you to know that I value each and every one of you. Specifically, though, there is some stuff I need to clear up.

To my friends: You are not fags, nor the mayor of jerktown (population you). That was a census error on my part, for which I accept full responsibility. Your woman is not a fat pig, nor are your children untalented and unbearable retards. This was a temporary lapse in judgement which we have all faltered from.

To my work: I do not quit, and you do not have to go fuck yourselves. That was a lot of caffeine and sugar talking. I did not key your cars, nor did I shit in your briefcases... as was previously (erroneously) reported. I value both you and my job and ask you to take me back. Please!

To my wife: You are not a gold digging whore who has seen the last of this sweet sweet ass. I handled that poorly, and beg of you to let me come back home. Please know that you are number one in my life, and had I won I would have absolutely shared every penny with you. Besides, my lawyer says you would have taken half anyway.

To my lawyer: I have only known you for about four hours, so it't not like we were close. Also, technically you were on 'retainer', right? Thing is, I didn't win the lottery and do not need the following services that I so desperately requested ealier: a divorce, an emancipation from my family, diplomatic immunity, quit claim deed to my house and truck, a safe deposit box under the name Archibald Leesh in Acapulco, 300 million dollars in non transferable swiss francs. Really, there wasn't much of that you probably got done in four hours... and I only actually have $38 currently in my account.

To my peers at work: You need not 'suck it'. That was taken out of context and frankly at least half my fault. Regardless of what I said, I have always liked you and have not slept with hardly any of your spouses recently.

To that cop: I have never hit a cop before. That is not my style, and I pray the court for leniance. It was bad judgement on my part, and probably not nearly as funny as it seemed at the time.

Monday, October 17

you can not have a mustache

Dear everyone alive anywhere, you can not have a mustache. The answer is a firm no, with one exception: cops. Cops get a pass because it has become part of the culture and plus they have guns so I say ok! Historically, gays also got a pass on the mustache thing... no more. Every guy who has a mustache looks like a perv. Want proof, take a look at Broncos QB Jake Plummer right here in his press photo: I mean.... eeeww! Don't worry, Jake wears a beard now and wins football games. But... if this guy in the picture followed your kid into a bathroom at McDonalds you'd grab a gun, right? Right!

Want further proof? Of course you do because you don't respect me. Try a google image search on mustaches. Yeah, you are pretty freaked out right now aren't you? More proof? ok, click HERE. For whatever reasons, multiple pictures of John Stossel came up... which is a total unintentional creepy bonus. America, put your pants back on and shave that mustache. We have work to do!

One last point, people with mullets get a total waiver for being so impossibly lame it renders the whole mustache concern moot.

*** a critical and alarming update from late Wednesday night (Oct 19th). There is an online petition for Jake to restore his mustache. If Jake succumbs, I am moving back to Buffalo. There it is, I said it out loud.