Friday Fives

1. Would you have one of your fingers removed if it guaranteed immunity from all major diseases?

Well, first I have a question for you. Would this be a surgical removal and do I get to be unconscious? If so, then yes. You may have the pinky... right hand (I play guitar). Now, if you are saying you want to lop my finger off with some rusty plyers... I change my vote to no. Fair?

2. When did you last yell at someone? Why?

does traffic count? Probably not. I don't remember, but you can bet it was a dog. I love them, but they are often dumb and in the way. I should clarify: one is dumb, and the other is too old to move. So I yell.

3. Would you be willing to go to a slaughterhouse and kill a cow?

not really. That seems icky, and cruel. Sure, I eat animals... but not if they are looking back at me.

4. Would you be willing to commit perjury in court for a close friend?

absolutely. My friends are my family.

5. What, if anything, is too personal to joke about?

golly, I have a pretty tough skin. I am very protective of my mother because she is the greatest mom in history. So, that would be a soft spot. Oh, one other thing I guess. My given birth name is Mortimer... so I catch a lot of shit for that.

Don't be a spaz

Earlier this week, Tiger Woods was interviewed about some tournament he was in. I guess he didn't do as well as he hoped. The interview asked him what he thought the problem may have been, and Tiger said 'I putted like a spaz'. It's ok if you didn't hear this, most media outlets censored the word. Problem is, not everyone was so thoughtful, and the 'S' word went out over the airwaves. Tiger issued a prompt apology for his rhetoric.

What, I can't say Spaz. I call shenannigans on this. Spaz spaz spaz spaz spaz. Anyone who is offended by the word spaz is a true and undying spaz. Guess what, spaz isn't a bad word. Spaz is not a deragatory term to any race or behaviourism... excepting your little sibling. Know what spaz means? Here it is, straight from the experts:

One who is considered clumsy or inept

I know we can't say tard, because that is offensive to retarded people. I was never trying to be offensive to retarded people, I was simply slandering my brothers because they beat me mercilessly. Also, I admit I used to use the term 'fag'. Know that my use of that word had nothing to do with anyone's sexual preference on any level. No, calling one a fag was just a simple neutral diss. It was gently and patiently explained to me by someone once that even though I meant no harm in its execution... a tertiary observer might not see it that way. So, I relented and don't use that expression any more.

However, I refuse to relent on the 's' word.

Attention Merchants

One quick thing. First off, let me say you are doing a fabulous job. You are keeping the American economy running, and us employed. Thank you. That being said, I have a small beef about coupons. 10% off isn't enough. I saw all all these coupins in the Sunday paper for 10% off. 10% isn't enough to make me even want to cut the paper. 10% isn't enough for me to say 'Honey, where are the scissors?'... so it certainly isn't going to change my buying habits or store loyalties.

In fact, if I was going to the same store I always go to and was buying what I always buy and had a 10% coupon for that product... I don't think it would be worth the effort for me to reach down into my pocket for said coupon.