Friday Fives

1. Everyone's got crazy relatives. Tell us about some of yours. um, I can't think of anything or anyone too crazy. I don't even have a relative in jail. Sorry for the let down. 2. Which television shows, recent or old, were you most disappointed to see cancelled? Alf, Almost Home (a show on CBS about the 60s with great music), News Radio (though I stopped watching after Phil's death). Quantum Leap (I still haven't seen the final 2 hour farewell - 'the leap home'. Am hoping it will be put on DVD... and you people wonder how I still live in my parent's basement.) 3. Which deaths of famous people have made you the saddest? Phil Hartman - I can't think of one that upset me or angered me so much. I guess I am used to people getting killed of their own fault, one way or another (drugs, politics, keyboardist for the Grateful Dead, cast member of SNL... etc). Phil got killed by his crazed and coked up ex wife, and it seemed so unfair. I mean, John Lennon was before my time, and we all saw Kurt Cobain's death coming a mile away. 4. Make up your own church. That is a loaded question, and to be fair I should come clean. Ok, I am back... and having done that... let's get to the question. First; I am a devout, practicing atheist. Second; I an real life licensed Reverend in the Universal Life Church. When I see a chuch I think of the great things we can do with it. Jimi Hendrix called his concerts 'electric churches', and Springsteen has a similar bit. Because music is my religion, concerts are ceremonies and Red Rocks is my church. Hey, I know that sounds hokey... but when you fuck up, you have the bible to turn to to make you feel bad. Being an Atheist... I have to make myself feel bad... without any external guidance. I am a very joyful person, so that is not easy. For this I recommend some Cat Stevens, Counting Crows, or anything Bob Dylan ever did. 5. What have you killed with a spade or other blunt instrument? Extra points awarded at my discretion for style, elan and sheer absurdity Between you and I (and I mean that literally, readership is in the single digits) - when I was a kid I had a chicken. This was a little chicken that looked more like a gerbil than anything else. I made a great pen for him in the backyard. He got out one day and I didn't see him and I stepped on him. He was dead. I still feel bad about that. Silly, huh? I have probably done more significant damage in management having to fire people and take away their livelihood. They had plenty of chances to get their shit together, the little chicken did not. Oh yeah, I killed Kurt Cobain too, but that was really more a mis-understanding. via Roy

Eyeball Jewelry is safe, and rad!

We may have talked about this before. The new fad around the hipsters is eyeball jewelry. This is no typo, some details can be found here. So the question that our media is asking is this: is it safe? On behalf of someone who believes firmly in Social Darwinism I say YES. Hell yes! What possible harm could come from people sticking pieces of steel into their eyes to hang as decoration? If you think it is a good idea or even mildly intruiging, I say go for it! Don't be a pussy. You know what else is cool? Drinking bleach and keeping a toaster near your bathtum. Frighteningly, the official take on it is this:

"We believe it's as safe as wearing contact lenses. It's certainly as safe as the colored contact lenses you see all the time - it may be safer - and it's really a lot of fun," says Maloney. "It's a really neat way to make yourself unique if that's something you want to do."

Did you get that last paragraph? Who the F is this doctor, remind me not to see him. That was actually published on ABC.com (Editors note - ABC's parent company is Disney). I am not sure what my favorite piece of super irresponsible journalism here is. It might be '...it's really a lot of fun'. But no - surely the greatest grouping of words ever assembled regarding the sticking of steel into eyeballs on purpose is this '... it may be safer...' I wish I was taking that out of context to make a point.

So just what in the world are the kids of these people going to do to rebel? So be cool, little brother... and pierce that eye. In Los Angeles they charge $3,900 for the procedure. Guess what, I have a nail gun and if you sign a waiver I will do it for free.

Vote today!

Don't forget to vote today. Today is the primaries for many offices. This election will get to decide who gets to run for office in November. Today just may be my last shot at office here in Colorado. I urge you to write in 'Lono' for senator. For voting information and outreach, this site seems to be pretty great.

we open the mailbag

Dear reader, when I started this little endeavor I opened an e mail account to track correspondence with you. I think it has been a huge success, and I want to share with you some of the dialogue we are participating in. While I have received, literally, tens of e mails over the last year... I am selecting five at random to answer. 1. Kathleen Conway - do you need cheap Viagra? Dear softweeniesareus.com, I don't believe I do. While it is nice of you to offer, I am not sure what about my writing would make you think that? Is that some kind of 'liberals are all pussies' joke? I am recently married and doing just fine thanks. Oh, and my name is not Kathleen. 2. Dear Carl, how is your credit? Get a credit report free, click here. I appreciate the offer, and it is great to see how my reader rallies around me. However, I want you all to know that you should NEVER get your credit report off the internet. Don't be a tool, internet fraud and credit fraud are off the charts right now. Order here for details. 3. Dear Lono, how you can you believe the Dems will create a safer society against terrorism? Captain Zero, good to hear from you again. I can say without question I we will be safer with a different administration... because we can begin winning back the allies that Bush has alienated. As for the mixed message Bush is sending - it is either 'America is safer because of me' speech... or the 'America is not safe, you need me speech'. Both are bullshit. 4. Lono, Xanex, Valium, Percoset, and Vicodin online here. Dear Cheap Canadian Meds, sounds great! Please send me about 200 of each. I am using a secure PO Box out of Trinidad, Colorado for these drops. I don't want the whole story to go Limbaugh on us, as I am respected in this community... Use my online pseudonym - Carl Weathers. 5. Cheap and easy girls: naughty girls caught in their dorm room. All models over 18, click here to see more

You bet your ass I wanna see more!