Liberals treat dogs like people, Conservatives treat people like dogs

Friday, March 2

Friday Fives

1. What is your favorite novel?

Novel? I don't care for that word at all. Can we call it a book? I have a lit degree, and all we ever called them was books. My favorite book without question is Alice's Adventures in Wonderland. Also, anything and everything by Hunter S Thompson and Herman Hesse.

2. Do you have a favorite poem? (Share it!)

It used to be a Shakespearan sonnet that I had memorized... honest. I have totally forgotten it, though. Barring that, I would have to go with Jabberwocky by Lewis Carrol.

'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe.

"Beware the Jabberwock, my son! The jaws that bite, the claws that catch! Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun The frumious Bandersnatch!"

He took his vorpal sword in hand: Long time the manxome foe he sought-- So rested he by the Tumtum tree, And stood awhile in thought.

And, as in uffish thought he stood, The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame, Came whiffling through the tulgey wood, And burbled as it came!

One two! One two! And through and through The vorpal blade went snicker-snack! He left it dead, and with its head He went galumphing back.

"And hast thou slain the Jabberwock? Come to my arms, my beamish boy! O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!" He chortled in his joy.

'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe

3. Would you rather read only one book, whose knowledge encapsulates the absolute secret to life but takes 30 years to finish, or a quick read that gives you one limited super power that last for 1 year.

The first one. Apparently, that book for me is the Great Gatsby. I have been trying to read it for about 15 years, and keep never finding enough time to get to it... which is dumb if you consider I read Satanic Verses... which is like 900 pages.

4. What is one thing you’ve always wanted to read, or wish you had more time to read?

see above, Gatsby. Also, I want to reread Midnight's Children. Rushdie's stuff is super thick though, and you can't read his stuff on the shitter. You need isolated hours on a beach, for days and days. That is how I cranked out 'Satanic Verses'.

5. What are you currently reading?

two books. John Hodgeman's book on everything, and Ralph Steadman's book on Hunter.

Tuesday, February 27

Barack Obama and my closing thoughts on Black History Month

I read an article today on CNN that said black voters are not behind Barack Obama. This tantalized me, so I read on. The story went on to say that black Americans feel Obama doesn't properly understand the black experience. Then, I swear, they used this phrase: He isn't Black Enough. I don't get it. I mean, I am a white guy, so my voice isn't too qualified... but I don't get it.

I mean, if there were, like, three or four black candidates I might understand. If he were a really light skinned black, I might understand. Last month, Obama was on 60 Minutes and they asked him about his black experience. He said he couldn't get a cab, either. I thought that was a charming and disarming comment. I guess what I want to know is: who in the field do you feel better represents the 'black experience'? None, that's who. I won't even enumerate the candidates, because it is moot.

Barack Obama is a good man, and a good candidate. At this point in the election cycle, I stand behind him 100% for President. Frankly, you should too. Is he black enough? That is a racist and unnecessary question. Is he qualified? You only have to be 40 years old and a natural born American. Is he passionate about public service? I believe without a doubt.

So what do I have to say today in closing regarding Black History Month. Well, I think the Obama issue nicely defines my feelings on things right now. We are making incremental process as a society. However, I think they are minute and progressing way too slow. Basically, Obama won't get elected because white folk are afraid he is too black and black folk feel he isn't black enough. How about the man and his issues? Let's look at those... his words. We have way too much work in America fixing what the Bush crime family has done and making us great again. As Reagan said, it is morning in America.

Monday, February 26

What's been wrong

A lot of people have asked me lately, "Lono, what's wrong?". You seem distant, quiet, and you have almost entirely stopped swearing at strangers." It is true, things aren't all good at home, but I am ready to talk about it with you. I don't like the new White House Press Secretary, Tony Snow.

I do not like anything about him. Know that I don't hate him because he works for the most corrupt organization since Nixon. That isn't it at all. So did Scott McClelland and I always like him. You could tell that McClelland was a good guy put in a tough situation. I am nostalgic for the good old days of 'it is the policy of this administration not to comment on an ongoing investigation". That is why he couldn't last. This guy Snow is a freakin' automoton. He speaks with a sneer, and dismisses anything critical of the administration as idiotic. There is absolutely no pathos with this guy. I really believe this guy probably kicks cats and hates puppies. I never even said that about the President and you surely know how I feel about him.

This is a bad move by this administration in my eyes. I want America to be good, and I want America to be liked. I believe we are the bestest and biggest hearted nation. We just aren't showing it with these monsters in office. See, the numbers for this presidency are really bad, and for good reason. The overwhelming majority of Americans have a problem with these guys and do not trust them. To me, that would be the time to bring in a nice person. Remember Dee Dee Myers, under Clinton? She was nice. That Ellen DeGenerous lady? She is nice. My auntie Rose is very nice, and never swears. McClelland was nice. I mean, this is your press guy... the one liason to the outside world. We know that Cheney is a jerk, we know that Bush is a jerk, and now you have brought in a bigger jerk to represent them.

Lastly there is this, his name. Tony. Tony is a diminutive of Anthony. I don't think you should refer to the representative for the biggest and most powerful government on Earth with a diminutive. It belittles the position. I think it is to make him seem like a regular dude. We didn't call McClelland 'Scotty' for the same reason.

Sunday, February 25

Nobody Doesn't Like Sara Lee

Did you know that was their slogan? I didn't. Forever, I thought their slogan was 'nobody does it like Sara Lee'. Now that is a great slogan. It says 'we are unique', 'give it a try', 'Sara Lee is a pretty cool gal'. I like that can do spirit, and that is what America is about.

Boy, was I wrong. I recently learned the actual slogan is the one above. I am so disappointed. This new slogan, 'Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee' is pretentious. Worse, it is pushy. What really lies behind that expression? To me, it is the Sara Lee corporation saying 'what is your problem'... 'maybe this is why you can't get laid'... 'now you know why nobody likes you'. I like Sara Lee food, and am a crazy for their cherry cheesecake. It reminds me of my childhood, which was most excellent. Still, though, I feel like I am being threatened. 'Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee, so what's your fuckin' problem?'. Briefly, the title of this piece was going to be 'an Open letter to Sara Lee'. Apparently, their lawyers got their tighty whiteys in a bunch. I got this cease and disist letter. You would think that a company that nobody doesn't like wouldn't need lawyers. Boy, was I wrong.