Liberals treat dogs like people, Conservatives treat people like dogs

Friday, June 9

Snakes on a plane audition

Tom DeLay's parting words

Tom DeLay has exited office under a large criminal cloud that is taking all his time and resources to pretend to fight. With several large Federal indictments hanging over his head, he was forced to quit congress like a lowly coward. What is great about this is he used to be the toughest and most feared asshole in the business. Anyhow, I saw on CNN how they were spinning his quitting as a victory of sorts. NBope, dude is going to jail. Anyhow, here is the quote verbatim from CNN... and my speculation on what they edited out for time:

“I did a good job… Given the chance to do it all again, there’s only one thing I’d change. I’d fight even harder.”

- note the ellipses above. Those are often used to indicate missing text not thought relevant, and edited out for brevity. Allow me some conjecture on what might be missing in those ellipses.

I did a good job getting rich. I mean, crazy FU type rich. I screwed everybody, and I'll screw you too. Don't you even look me in the eye. I am the mother f***n Hammer! You can't indict the hammer! I'll kill you if you try. I remember once, I beat a bum half to death. No reason really, I just felt like fighting a bum. It's fun, beatin' homeless folks. Given the chance, there's only one thing I'd change. I'd fight even harder.

* type in red is purely conjecture

Friday Fives

Editors note: this week's Fives come from Roy... who got them from "blogger's random question generator". Looks like Roy is phoning the whole operation in these days. Too bad, really. He used to be one of the best on the street. Now, just look at him. He doesn't even shave anymore, and gets that far off look in his eyes.

1. What type of mood are you generally in on a rainy day?

Generally rather joyous, as it never rains here in Denver. Seriously, we are one of the sunniest cities in the country... more sunny days that Miami. So rain is quite rare. Snow... no - common, but the rain is rare.

2. What are your favorite things to do when the weather is gloomy?

be in a bar, or watching a movie. Hate driving in the stuff, more so than snow. Rain takes too much concentration to drive safely in. Snow is easy... go slow and leave lots of braking room. Rain has too many wildcards

3. Have you ever been kissed in the rain?

I must have. The wife and I travel to Mexico nearly every summer. Every day in the tropics it rains like crazy from about 4 to 5 pm. The rain is warm though, and quite enjoyable to be thoroughly soaked in once you get over the shock. plus, Mexico is very romantic... surely it is my happy place in the world. That being said, surely I got kissed, right?

4. After the rain stops, do you continue what you were doing, or do you run outside to do something else?

generally continue what I was doing. Disposing of bodies and DNA mostly.

5. What is your favorite drink/food to have when it's raining outside?

I'd say anything that is hot

Monday, June 5

Oh, now it is a disease

You know I like to talk medical with you folks, and lord knows I am qualified. You remember some time ago we talked about how America is tranqualizing their teenagers, then wonder why they get depressed. At the time, my diagnosis for a troubled or anti-social teenager is a good smackin'. This would save American businsess exactly one kazillion dollars in fees, lawsuits, and medication subsidies.

Shortly after my breaktrough on teenage problems, I broke the news right here in these pages that people were chopping off their limbs on purpose. Don't worry, some doctor gave it a name (body integrity identity disorder) and now they ain't crazy... it was a disease. That is what the doctor says. Guess what I say? They crazy. I mean, like, still votin' for Ralph Nader crazy.

As I write this, Mayo clinic researchers are beginning to study the medicinal value of a good smackin' and are seeing great potential. You can thank me for that. I am working on the patents now.

I can't solve everything folks, but I thought you should here this from me. Are you a bad driver? Are you a total asshole in traffic? Don't worry, you aren't a dick... you just have the very recently discovered 'intermittant explosive disorder' . This is the new term for road rage. CNN actually catalogued this story with their diseases section today (check the URL). Well, that excuses everything doesn't it? In fact, I am going to go back to running motorists off the road... and then sue the government for violating my civil rights because I have 'intermittant explosive disorder'.

It gets better. In the study, they mention this little gem:
Most sufferers in the study had other emotional disorders or drug or alcohol problems and had gotten treatment for them

Oh really? Highlight this part, 'other emotional, drug, or alcohol problems'. So, this isn't about road rage at all, is it? This is about jerks. I know, I am one. Being an asshole is not a disease, though it can be fatal. Don't worry, they have a treatment for that... it is not booze. Nope, my suggestion is cheaper and safer for all involved. A good smackin'.

I mean, like... baseball bat to the head kinda smackin'. Tell me if that cures your road rage, you little Jetta driving in and outta every lane in a huge hurry because you are 23 and you are late for your shift at Burger King you Good Charlotte listenin to fuckstick.