Liberals treat dogs like people, Conservatives treat people like dogs

Thursday, July 13

Friday Fives

1. How many foreign countries have you visited?

Canada, United States, Mexico, Spain, Costa Rica, England, Guatemala, and Utah.

2. What do you always take with you on vacation?

comfy shoes and whiskey

3. Name something you've lost recently:

my wife lost her $300 iPod recently. It was then found. Is that the whitest crisis ever, or what?

4. Do you prefer action packed vacations or relaxing ones?

relaxing fer sure.

5. Other people's vacation photographs: do you really want to see them?

is there nudity? then no.

Tuesday, July 11

my new hobby

You know what is cool? Mylar baloons! Know what is cooler than that? Sending them up in the sky with messages. See, Mylar baloons last way longer than conventional ones. Once, I tied a message to a mylar and it went over a mile before it landed. Me and my little pal Timmy tracked it. I hang out with little kids and we play with the balloons.

I know what you are thinking, creepy. Not the case, I am married and have no interest in hanging out with children outside of the work I do with the church. I spend my weekends with the young kids because they have the most interest in mylar baloon launching. We have some very cool videos and photos we are going to upload soon. The reason I am writing is because we are looking for sponsors, and we would love to have you on board. Mylar and string costs add up, quickly. Also, I would like to register our site, but it seems to be blocked. If any of you are internet types, maybe you could help. I can't possibly see how our hopeful URL (North American Mylar Baloon Launching is gone. Don't even get me started on how difficult fundraising is. The second you tell someone you are from our organization, they hang up every time.

Anyhow, think you can help? Send cash, and boys.

Lono, president and CFO of

N orth
A merican
M ylar
B aloon
L aunching
A ssociation

Sunday, July 9

I now know what I hate

Don't worry, I still have it in for Tom Kinkaid, but I hate this more. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I could teach a two year course on why this sucks, but I'll give you the talking points... to impress your friend.

1. I am tired of looking at babies. Guess what, they all look the same.

2. Secondly, this is exploitation.

3. Thirdly, this is not art to me... and that is the biggest insult to me of them all. Wow, you make babies look cute? You are a revolutionary! You are a friggin' Ansel Adams! Maybe next you could take on some risque work like puppies or rainbows, you vanguard.

See, I work in a cubicle farm, just like a Dilbert cartoon. Every single female on the planet has one these schmaltzy infant art-porn pinned up. Aaarrgghh. You think I hate art, don't you? I do not, I love and carry art in my soul every waking minute. What I hate is shit like this, packaged and sold as art. Making babies adorable is pandering. Oh, and wrapping them up in pretty fabric under hot lights is called suffocation where I come from. At least Wegman made his Weimaraners do silly things in their pics.

Art is high, art is good, art aspires, art loves you, art challenges you, and art hurts your feelings when necessary. To me, art isn't Jackson Pollack snorting up a gram of paint and then sneezing. Nor is it visually stimulating or remotely impressive when Magritte does anything. Oooh, look > it is a guy, but with an apple in front of his face? What does the apple represent? I think it is subtext on modernization and man's quest for his soul in contemporary times... as witnessed by the storm clouds in the back. Nope, sorry asshole. It is just a dude with an apple in front of his face. If you think that is heavy, maybe you should write Sue Grafton book titles.

Remember when you were younger, and you saw art that flipped your lid? Do you remember staring at paintings for 20 minutes trying to figure them out? Remember those amazing Dali posters you had? How about Georgia O'Keefe or Frida? That was some mind blowing shit, huh? Now you are being coddled by this pussy art. Remember rock radio? Remember what Clear Channel did to it, and why you don't listen to the radio anymore? That is what Anne Geddes and Thomas Kinkaid are doing to art.

Ok, one last thing. I don't care what your art teacher said, this isn't art. This is a very very patient dude, that is all. This isn't a movement, or a revolution. This is a dude with about 45 broken paintbrush tips and a deadline. I know you have it framed, but take it down. No one is impressed.

I love you, now get back to work.