An open letter from President Bush

* dear reader, in a strange an interesting breach of protocol, I received this speech this morning on my fax machine. It was written in crayon. As for its veracity, I can only say that thee men in limosuines busted into my house today to steal my fax machine, PC, and kick my dog. Fortunately I was at work when this happened. Dear America, yes; they warned me about possible attacks on American soil by terrorists... about 13 times a day. They also warn me about a zillion other things. For 16 hours a day I have people in my face giving me warnings and advice. America, I can't take a piss without an adviser up my ass about something or other. It is my job to prioritize these things and give them the weight I feel they deserve after careful consideration. I have to admit I dropped the ball on this one. While we are coming clean, America, allow me to let you in a few other trivioracies. Mr. Ashcroft is a mean, mean man. He calls me 'prudence' when he sees me and I don't even know what that means. Also, he wrote the 'Patriot Act' eight years ago. On no less than three occasions, Karl Rove has offered to kill John Kerry, which is an outragitude! We don't put much stock in what he says. NOBODY could have predicted what was going to happen that September day... and if we knew we probably would have been hard pressed to stop it. So I let you down, America... but I will make it right by bringing them to justice and making sure something like this never happens again. Another thing, my father and Richard Cheney do not secretly run the government behind my back. Richard Cheney passed away roughly four months ago. The man currently posing as Dick Cheney is an imposter. You can tell because on the crosswalk photo Paul is barefoot. Plus, if you play the record backwards it says "turn me on dead man. There are no WMDs. Boycott Heinz." If they did, do you think they would have let 9/11 happen? I will keep you safe, America. My team has the strategery in place to 'poke a hole in terrorism'. I want to introduce my new running mate, Rudy Guiliani. Together with 'jool jool' we are going to 'poke a hole in terrrorism'. One last thing, John Kerry is gay... I swear. Not that there is anything wrong with that. He also hates puppies, America. Thank you, and God bless