Eyeball Jewelry is safe, and rad!

We may have talked about this before. The new fad around the hipsters is eyeball jewelry. This is no typo, some details can be found here. So the question that our media is asking is this: is it safe? On behalf of someone who believes firmly in Social Darwinism I say YES. Hell yes! What possible harm could come from people sticking pieces of steel into their eyes to hang as decoration? If you think it is a good idea or even mildly intruiging, I say go for it! Don't be a pussy. You know what else is cool? Drinking bleach and keeping a toaster near your bathtum. Frighteningly, the official take on it is this:

"We believe it's as safe as wearing contact lenses. It's certainly as safe as the colored contact lenses you see all the time - it may be safer - and it's really a lot of fun," says Maloney. "It's a really neat way to make yourself unique if that's something you want to do."

Did you get that last paragraph? Who the F is this doctor, remind me not to see him. That was actually published on ABC.com (Editors note - ABC's parent company is Disney). I am not sure what my favorite piece of super irresponsible journalism here is. It might be '...it's really a lot of fun'. But no - surely the greatest grouping of words ever assembled regarding the sticking of steel into eyeballs on purpose is this '... it may be safer...' I wish I was taking that out of context to make a point.

So just what in the world are the kids of these people going to do to rebel? So be cool, little brother... and pierce that eye. In Los Angeles they charge $3,900 for the procedure. Guess what, I have a nail gun and if you sign a waiver I will do it for free.