Am I buff yet?

Are you done snickering, jerk? I am serious, you guys. Listen, I joined a gym this weekend. It took me 32 years... but I am committed. I joined Saturday and went today for the first time. I swam some laps in an Olympic length pool. Holy shit, it kicked my ass! I am going to go three times a week, expanding my repertoire by one more lap each week (today was 5, 3 freestyle and 2 backstroke). Or... I just figured I am gonna hang out at the gym and watch Seinfeld re-runs. The cool thing is this; I like to use it in conversation.

• Hey everyone, sorry I am late... just got back from the gym.
• Oh, I was supposed to mow the lawn and clean up the beer bottles off the roof? I was gonna honey, but I have been at the gym.
• That body officer? Not possible, I was at the gym all night.

Honestly, this gym thing is gonna be terrific. I have thought the whole thing through, and I am getting more buff every minute. I met some new friends who are teaching me a lot about myself and others. Being a student of sociology, I am always curious and always learning. I have learned a great deal about the social strata of the outside world through the eyes of my new friends. Margaret Meade take note. It turns out folks can be looked at roughly in these new categories, which I think will light up the academic world of forensic sociology. Americana falls into these categories:

1. Us
2. those guys? total fags!
3. mostly a bunch of pussies, I hear
4. her? oh, she's a bitch
5. (and finally) her? Oh, she's totally hot for me

So that is what I have picked up so far. I wanna thank my new buddies Tank and T-bone for showing me the ropes and helping me write this piece. If you'll excuse me, I gotta go wax T-bone's thighs for the big tourney coming up. I'd tell you more, but you have to buy tickets to the gun show first.