Liberals treat dogs like people, Conservatives treat people like dogs

Monday, November 15

Max Monday

as promised, nay... threatened, it is Max Monday. This involves me telling a tale that involves you realizing why maybe I don't have a kid. We have two dogs, and when we were at work they used to get to run free in the house. That is because the older dog was never a problem when we were away. As of about a year ago, Maxwell Silver Hammer (my golden retriever) lives in a see through kennel in the basement when we are away. Why? Because things like this -

We came home from dinner one night and found Max had gotten up onto the dinner table somehow. Obviously, the dog isn't allowed to be anywhere near a table when we are home. What is strange though, is that our dinner table is used almost exclusively for setting mail and keys and stuff on. So there was no food on there, nor is there ever food on there basically.

So, how did I know that Max was on the dinner table? Well, my sunglasses were on the ground when I got home... in pieces. The dog got onto the dinner table to eat my sunglasses. To further illustrate what a problem this was, they were prescription sunglasses. That means they were very expensive, very hard to replace, and very critical to my day to day life.

Max didn't just grab and snap them. He obliterated them. He must have spend a good hour chewing on them... as there was nothing salvageable left. Man, oh man, was I pissed. You may say "how do you know it was Max?" "Why are you always blaming everything on Max?" "Maybe it was Maury?" I'll tell you how I know. Though indeed my first suspicion was Max, I examined the evidence. I went totally CSI on the situation, and looked very closely at the corpse of the glasses. Max's dog hairs were embedded into some of the bite marks. His hair is distinctive because he is yellow and the other dog is black. For your visual benefit, on the left is a picture of both doggies. Let the record reflect they are both forbidden from being on furniture, too.

So the thing I can't reconcile, almost two years later since this happened... is why. I mean, I could see if he stole a sandwich or something. I know dogs love to eat our clothes because they smell like us... so they like the positive association in our absence. But, the dog ate a pair of expensive tinted eyeglasses... thoroughly. Geesh, I am kidding. Look at those doggies. Does it not look like they live about the best possible dog life in the world? Since then, I have got new prescription shades... and keep them well off the kitchen counter. Notice when you look at the picture, the difference in their mannerisms. Seriously. They both know they are not allowed on the couch. Maury is the black dog on the left. See how she is concerned and is about to get off the couch? She knows she is in trouble. Now, notice how completely oblivious and content Max is on the right.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cute. Have the beagles. They eat anything. Their favorite is thier own shit. So my dogs go the back yard and take a crap. They then sniff it and eat much of it back. Of course it recycles perpetually. The best part is the poop breath when they come back into the house and they lick me. Love getting awaken by a poop smootch. If that isnt good enough its the diaper and pull up snacks (kids wear these at night). The super treat is diving in the cats litter box. This is the holy grail of poop for them. Oh boy. What kills me is regardless of how fancy of a treat I buy at the store they wont touch it! Got them one of those bullies (wont tell you what that is) but couldnt be bothered!

1:49 PM  

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