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Tuesday, November 30

Van Helsing's Curse

Oh, the sacrifice I make for you readers. Lemme give you some background on this piece. This is a rarity to 'I am Correct', but variety is the spice of your loser lives. The gist is this, normally I keep music completely seperate from here. I have been doing some professional music and music DVD reviews for a few publishers. I am working for free right now, just wanting to get my foot in the door. I publish on my music site and at I pick projects that I am interested in (like the Maiden piece), because I don't want to seem that I am 'phoning it in'. Anyhow, I must have struck a chord with one of the music publishers or promoters. After they read my Maiden piece (which is, frankly... great) they sent me a huge box of CDs. About 20, and I have little interest in any of them. There was no letter though. I am puzzled, is this a big 'hey thanks, Lono, you rule!' bag... or is this crap they want reviewed? If they want me to review stuff I don't care about, they have to pay me. That is how I see it. However, since I am new and want to be helpful... I frankly don't have the balls to say "this sucks... pay me!". That is why I am writing to you, here. The music publisher knows my music site and maybe checking that (but he can't find us here.) So, for sport, I took the silliest and most bizarre CD I could find... to review for you. Most of the bands they sent me, I knew. I am a professional hessian, so I was not phased by the collection. But, this one CD was called 'Van Helsing's Curse'. You may know the name as a movie. Not the case! It has some gothic graphic art on the front... so I knew it would be totally gay. I put it in, expecting major death metal. I mean nothing but muted Em chords on guitar. Remember the great 'Death and Insanity' from 'the River's Edge' soundtrack? How about Metal Church? Now that is some good stuff. I expected that, cool and heavy and easily predicable crap metal from 19 year olds. No sir, it is worse. Far worse. It is a concept album from Dee Snider (Twisted Sister, but you knew that). So in-between each unlistenable song is a piece of super stupid and faux goth narrative from Dee Snider. No, seriously. Here is one of the narratives that ties the shitty instrumentals together:
Centuries had passed, and the world had changed. But it knew they had not. The first was always so easy, and the second, and then the third. Their feeble minds were not willing to believe the obvious: That something beyond their reality was the reason for their suffering. But it was, so they all... died... screaming.
Anyhow, the moral of the story is again how much I sacrifice for you! As a non religious and serious fan of the genre, I can only say "jesus christ was that a peice of shit". Anyhow, sorry for the negative and just plain mean spirited tone. As a expert on rock, I can get a little snippety. The good news is that I mostly keep to the other site when discussing music. I am going to call Dee Snider's agent now. I have some lawn work I need done, and I bet he'll work cheaper than Roy!


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