Friday Fives

1. What is your worst/baddest/weirdest roomate story?

Big surprise... it is a college dorm story. When I first got to NAU (Northern Arizona University) I had enrolled in the dorm program too late. I was put in temporary housing with a few other guys also waiting placement. There was some good to it, we had our own apartment: kitchen, bathroom, tv room. That was the good. The bad was that it was on the very far side of campus (I didn't have a car)... and we had this roommate 'Tom'. There was one and only one problem with Tom, his bathroom habits. To this day, I have never understood them. Here is what happened: Dude would go into the bathroom, and not emerge for an hour. He did this several times a day. An hour! There is more... whatever he did in there, he would always use the rest of the toilet paper.... a whole roll. What can you do for an hour in the bathroom by yourself? It isn't masturbation. From my lifelong near daily research of the topic... it takes no more than a few minutes. So the kid couldn't have been playing with himself, not for an hour. So what about shitting? Nope. The place never smelled. I had totally forgetten about all of this weirdness until now (it was 1991) because shortly after we were placed in our dorms and obviously none of us worked hard to keep in touch with creepy Tom.

2. How much is too much for a haircut? And how much is too little?

Was this question built for me? I guess not, everyone has haircuts. I haven't paid for a haircut since about 1994, when I first cut off my long beautiful (but thinning) hair and went straight bald. I bought a Westinghouse hair and beard trimmer at Wal Mart back then for $15. I used it to shave my head twice a week even since. After 10 years of seriously loyal service, the Westinghouse took a dive and shorted out. So, I chucked it and just this Christmas got a cordless rig and I couldn't be happier. So, if you figure that $15 trimmer lasted me ten years and I shaved my head twice a week for 52 weeks... you have 1.5 cents per cut. Hell, my wife has known me 10 years and has never seen me with hair (outside of pics).

3. When opening a bag of chips are you careful and precise or do you tear right into it. Are there any left to store for later?

What does that have to do with anything? I thought we strived for continuity and art, Roy? What kind of candy ass shit is this? Are you plugging to get a job with 'Hard Copy'? Honestly, that is the dumbest question ever and I now hate you. Oh... as for the chips, I am a very careful opener. I can't stand it when I over exert and then the bag flies open and there is chips everywhere.

4. Ever take musical instrument lessons as a kid? What did you play? Still remember how? Should we get the band back together, man?

yes. I took trumpet lessons (about third grade) and I was terrible at it. Can I still play trumpet? No sir. However, I have been playing guitar for about 15 years and fancy I am getting pretty good at it. Hope so, I just dropped $2,000 on my lifelong dream guitar.

5. What is your most memorable drunken experience?

Nice try, but the question is a trap. Proper drunken experiences are not remembered. However, I see where you are going with the question so I will indulge you with a delicious and very true college dorm story (again). I was living in the dorms in Flagstaff at NAU, which is two hours from Phoenix where I grew up (and where my folks lived). So, on a random Saturday morning my wonderful family decided to pay me a surprise visit at my room around 10 am. Normally this would have been an excellent treat. However, I had spent the night before at a raging kegger where we got just plan loaded. Yes, this was every Friday night in college. See, I didn't have a car so I was mountain biking about town. Point being, my friends and I had a practice of pranking each other as we passed out. The night before my wonderful parents visited me, I must have been the first to have passed out, because I got victimized.

So the door pounds and I am asleep. It's about 10 am. I am still sleeping and my roommate is gone. I struggle out of bed and answer the door and is my mom! Yay, I think. My mom asks me if I was partying last night, and I dutifully say no.... I stayed in and watched tv and fell asleep. She asks me to look in the mirror. So, I do... on my forehead is written 'I AM GAY' with a sharpie.