Liberals treat dogs like people, Conservatives treat people like dogs

Sunday, May 1

Good news, John... she is safe and alive!

Yes, we have some really terrific news about your fiancée. She is alive, unharmed, and safe. In fact, she is being brought home this very second by federal air marshalls. I can't imagine how happy and proud you must be. This must be the happiest day of your life. Oh look, you are crying. I understand, this must be very emotional time for you. Please, let me take off these handcuffs now, since it is clear you didn't kill your fiancée. Sorry about that, our bad.

um... funny story though. How about if we step away from the podium and cameras for the rest of the story. Funny thing, really. She uh... wasn't kidnapped. No, really. She just left. How? She got on a Greyhound and crossed the entire country over the course of several days... rather than marry you. Yes, John, Jennifer sat in a friends apartment in Albuquerque knowing that the world thought she was dead and you were her killer. Confess? Not so much. We tracked her down with wire taps. Turns out the Feds are really really angry about this. Oh, and you owe them about 300 grand back for the whole search and rescue thing.

So, uh, anyhow... she is all yours! I want to say again congratulations and I hope the next wedding goes much smoother. I shouldn't take any more of your time. Them? I know, I know... look at them. They are vultures! Fox even has a helicopter up there right now? Why? I spose it's cause we leaked the story to them a few hours ago.


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