you can not have a mustache

Dear everyone alive anywhere, you can not have a mustache. The answer is a firm no, with one exception: cops. Cops get a pass because it has become part of the culture and plus they have guns so I say ok! Historically, gays also got a pass on the mustache thing... no more. Every guy who has a mustache looks like a perv. Want proof, take a look at Broncos QB Jake Plummer right here in his press photo: I mean.... eeeww! Don't worry, Jake wears a beard now and wins football games. But... if this guy in the picture followed your kid into a bathroom at McDonalds you'd grab a gun, right? Right!

Want further proof? Of course you do because you don't respect me. Try a google image search on mustaches. Yeah, you are pretty freaked out right now aren't you? More proof? ok, click HERE. For whatever reasons, multiple pictures of John Stossel came up... which is a total unintentional creepy bonus. America, put your pants back on and shave that mustache. We have work to do!

One last point, people with mullets get a total waiver for being so impossibly lame it renders the whole mustache concern moot.

*** a critical and alarming update from late Wednesday night (Oct 19th). There is an online petition for Jake to restore his mustache. If Jake succumbs, I am moving back to Buffalo. There it is, I said it out loud.