How to read the news

In these days of Jayson Blair and that other guy who they made a movie about (ed. note: Stephen Glass) you can't trust what you read in the media. With Black History Month upon us, it is important to know the white dominated media is sending a message of fear and consumerism... which are carefully linked. It's totally true, this old hippie explained the whole thing to me one night when we were all on acid and it made sense.

That being said, you must learn to read between the lines. Here is an example: This is from today's MSN.com

Lindsay Lohan was taken to a London hospital on Friday after an accident at singer Bryan Adams' mansion, Access Hollywood has learned. Lindsay was having tea after just getting out of the shower when she apparently dropped the ceramic teacup, which shattered and cut a gash on her shin. The actress reportedly required 10 stitches but is now doing fine, according to her spokesperson.

If you believe a word of that, you are a tool. Lindsay was having tea after just getting out of the showed and dropped the ceramic cup which gashed her leg. There is so much I have a problem with here. First off, are they talking about Bryan Adams that Canadian hoser from the 80's who sang 'Summer of 69'? Dude is probably about 45 now, and Ms Lohan is 19. So, she shouldn't be there. Second, what is she doing showering there? It's not my business, but it is a bit creepy.

Here is where the lies start. Why do the mention the shower at all? It is as if to imply that she walked out of the shower nekkid onto a very slippery tile bathroom floor. At exactly this moment, someone handed her a scalding hot cup of tea. WTF? What is anyone doing in the bathroom with her, she is a child (an extremely sexy one, but a child nonetheless). Couldn't the tea have waited until maybe she dried off and threw on a robe?

Me thinks something went down like this: Ms Lohan was all coked up after a three day bender and blacked out in the shower. As she fell, she knocked the soap dish loose in the shower which crashed down and sliced her leg. I have run the whole shower scenario fantasy/scenario through my head hundreds of times today (I mean, just for scientific accuracy) and the whole thing plays out well.