Friday Fives

1. It was the great musical philosophers Donny and Marie that posed the juxtapostiion: "I'm a little bit country, I'm a little bit rock and roll. Which are you?

Well, let's talk about this. Get comfortable, because music is the language I speak. For all my life I would have told you; rock and roll. I would have told you that country is stupid, gay, over-produced, and insincere. In the last few years I have changed my ways greatly. Roy has turned me onto so much amazing music, as I have done the same for him. I can't imagine leaving the house now without: Willie Nelson, John Prine, Johnny Cash, the Little Willies, and Dwight Yokam (sp?). Long story short, the original country... which is more folk music than asshats doing Ford commercials... is often profoundly great music.

Here is a test. How can I tell if it is good country, or just cheeseball over produced corporate drivel? Good question! The first and best secret is how ugly are they? I am serious. Before videos, country music was told by old ugly drunken bastards who lived hard lives. If your country guy is uglier than your grandmother... you may have a star!

2. What's your shoe size? Do you think you have big feet or little?

my shoe size is 8 in mens. Stop giggling, I know I have tiny feet. How tiny? My wife and I share shoes, true story. What does that mean? It doesn't mean I have a small dick (the huge Ford in the driveway tells you that)... it says we are smart shoppers and I am slightly emasculated. Maybve we could keep this a secret, eh?

3. Would you rather slap the Pope with a dead fish or play pinochle with the Mona Lisa?

two things on that: I love to fish, and I have no idea how to play pinocle. Instead, I offer a great Pope joke >

this old preacher was out fishing with one of his young stable boys. The preacher lands this monster fish, a total beauty. He says to the boy "look at that sonnuvabitch!"

the boy is taken aback and corrects the preacher. The preacher, trying to cover his tracks says "no, that is the kind of fish it is... a sonnuvabitch!. So they take it back to the monestary and have the nuns cook it up for the big Pope visit that night... and the legend grows about the true name of the beautiful fish.

The Nun serves the Pope, and says "your Holiness, I carry to you this sonnuvabitch".

the server says "and I prepared this sonnuvabitch for you".

The cook then comes out and says "your holiness, I cooked the sonnuvabitch".

So the Pope looks up and says "Know what? You fuckers are alright!"

4. What was the first video/computer game your remember playing?

choplifter. It was a rudimentary, single color, single dimension, DOS based game I learned on an old IBM. The premise was all these crappy stick figures were in a house fire and you had to medivac them away from the ground in this crappy helicopter. Problem was, if you loaded too many crappy stick figures onto one crappy helicopter, it would crash. Also, if you waited too long... the crappy stick figures would burn on the ground. There was a true sense of urgency in getting these crappy stickfigures to safety. Oh, and this was before Pong and Asteroids.

Don't believe me? Click here, I found a screen cap of it.

5. What's your favorite movie line? Why?

Oy, I too am a movie dork with too much in my head. Most of my arsenal comes from 'Fish Called Wanda' or 'Princess Bride'. Ok, here it is. This is expletive ridden, and you should probably skip it. This piece is an exchange between Otto and Archie Leesh from Fish Calle Wanda:

Otto: You pompous, stuck-up, snot-nosed, English, giant, twerp, scumbag, fuck-face, dickhead, asshole.
Archie: How very interesting. You're a true vulgarian, aren't you?
Otto: You are the vulgarian, you fuck!

interesting note on that. Kevin Kline won best supporting actor Oscar for that role. Name another time a comic role won the Oscar? Even better trivia: the audio of that exact scene was the greeting on my answering maching in college for exactly two days. It was meant to amuse my buddies. Problem is, my mother called and heard that and was profoundly NOT amused. I removed it immediately.

In case you don't remember > the Friday Fives come courtesy of my very important friend Roy.