Friday Fives

1. Do you consider yourself clumsy or graceful?

Since I am writing this in recovery after my second knee surgery in two years, and two months shy of my third knee surgery... I am guessing I am clumsy. Is that what you wanted to hear? Did you have to do this in front of everyone? Is that necessary? There it is, America... I am clumsy. I am two left feet. I am a bad dancer and a worse singer. My hygiene is questionable, and I am widely disliked at work. I am short, dumb, fat, bald, nearsighted, and flat footed. I am impotent, and frigid too. My eggs are baron and I can't drive stick shift. Got it? I am not virtueless, though. I have a wonderful and dazzling sense of humor. So suck it, Roy.

2. Someone asks for change while you're walking down the street -- what do you do?

you mean a person needing change, or a bum? I am guessing you mean a bum. Though a compassionate progressive, I don't give money to bums. I know that mental health issues are rampant, but it would seem to me if I could work at McDonalds for $5 an hour... so can they. That being said, I know that many of the 'homeless' are folks who have a place and bum for money as a full time job, basically. Sadly, apparently a great deal of homeless are women and children... and that kinda sucks.

oh, you wanna know something interesting? Last year (or maybe it was two years ago) it became public that Minnesota was unloading all of their homeless on us. I believe it was Jesse Ventuta's inititative, but can't say for sure. The homeless shelters of Minnesota were offering the homeless free bus tickets to Denver. While a clever solution for Minnesota, that is jacked up and seriously unprincipled. We were stuck trying to care for two cities' worth of homeless.

3. Would you rather: Eat sushi in Camroon with Ethel Merman or storm the Bastille with Mick Jagger?

I would pick the Mick Jagger one. I don't know what the bastille is, though. It sounds French. It is French, isn't it. No problem with that. Supposedly they down with red wine and sex, right? Those are two of my faves. Also, I like sushi. So, let's bring Ethel with us and we'll have mad amounts of sex and sushi and wine and ciggies for all!

4. What is the last favor you did for someone else?

generally, it is helping someone with their car. However, the last gal I helped on Tuesday... I couldn't get it started. So, I consider that a failure. Last person I car saved was you, twice. That, and I also smuggle heroin across the border in my anus. Though that is more for profit than favor... I still consider it a favor. It hurts as much as you probably think it would. The worst is fitting in the syringes. You have to arrange them in such a manner than they won't pierce the rectum... yet they can't break the seal of the heroin package either. Do you have any idea what it is like to have three pounds of heroin leaked into your asshole? It is pretty scary. I couldn't shit straight for two years. Plus, my butthole still chain smokes. What was the question again?

5. What's the most expensive thing you've broken?

firstly, I would say a car or three. But we have all killed a car by now, right? Mine weren't crashes, but I have seized up my share of engines. That being said, back in college I remember I was at some dude's apartment drinking with a buddy. In the course of usual drunken silliness, I managed to knock over this dude's glass bong (three footer). Long story short, I had to buy the dude a new bong. This sucked for a few reasons. The first is, I don't smoke pot... so I resented that. Secondly, why the hell do you have a glass bong? Why don't you have a plastic one like every other smart person on the planet. Thirdly, why was your bong sitting in the middle of the floor in the room? Are you too stoned to pick up after yourself. It was $40 to replace dude's bong, and $40 is a crapload of money in college when you are paying your way. I wasn't making crap for money working at Greenpeace, and that amount is a week's worth of beer money. Stupid potheads. Dude was probably a trustafarian who could have easily afforded his own bong. I think I was the only guy working in school. Let's be honest, though, it was only Greenpeace. It's not like I was laying brick or doing any kind of real labor.

I apologize for the very rambling nature of my answers. I am on a great deal of narcotics because of the knee surgery, so I am pretty goofed right now. All my best, and have a great weekend!