Well gee, ya think?

Guess what, huge news flash - it looks like there has been a drop in applications to attend Colorado University at Boulder, by 19%. That is a sizeable figure, no question. Officials are 'alarmed' and wonder if the recent scandals have hurt the school's credibility. Sorry for swearing, but no fucking duh! It isn't the Ward Churchill scandal either. I am so tired of that guy and that story. If college campuses aren't generating some liberal dust ups then we are done for. Besides, Churchill is a total narcissist who is milking this. Churchill isn't their real concern and is more a scapegoat. His comments were inflammatory, but that is what free speach is about. I was not offended by his comments. Plus, I am sick of him. Go back to teaching.

So what could possibly be damaging to CU's good name? Let's start with the fact that it is rated every year as one of the best party schools in the nation. Now we all like to get drunk with babes, but I don't want to be in debt for the next 15 years to do so... thanks. I can do that at Community College for way cheaper.

Perhaps it was the alcohol and sex parties for the high school kids scouting the school for football. Seems great, unless you aren't on the football team. Or maybe it was when the coach came forward and said he had NO idea his football team was having sex and beer parties for new recruits.

Or, maybe the decline is because shortly after that it was revealed there was a big rape scandal and subsequent cover up by the same football team and same coach. Hmmm, I think we are getting closer. Wait... maybe it is because when the coach held a conference about the rape scandal he said "She was a terrible kicker anyway". I am totally serious, that is true. Read about it here. Nah, maybe that wasn't it either.

Perhaps instead it was when portions of the rape allegations involved football players and staff calling the young kicker (and rape victim) the 'C' word*... to her face. Well, boys will be boys huh?

Stop the press, I think I know why the school has zero credibility as an educational institution. First off, the coach who covered up the rapes and illegal sex parties and keggers did NOT get fired. it gets better, you won't believe this... when they asked the President of the University (the loathsome and incompetent Betsy Hoffman) what she thought about the rape story and the 'C' word comments, she said this

the word 'cunt' can be used as a term of endearment

Yup! True story, every last word... and not a single one of them has lost their jobs. Nice leadership, huh. Now, don't you want to mortgage your house to send your child there? * sorry, I won't utter the c word. It is vile and only gets anyone in trouble. Never, no matter how angry, should you use the 'see you next Tuesday' word.

are you kidding me?

You may have wondered how far up the ladder the CU recruiting scandal goes. You may have wondered how in the world Gary Barnett didn't get fired (read the second piece down) after investigations showed him responsible for many of the reprehensible acts going on through the years. They even have proof of Barnett covering up rapes. Dear reader, we now the extent of the damage... it goes all the way to the top. CU President Elizabeth Hoffman is responsible for the culture of sexist tolerance and must be removed from office. How do I know this? I know this from a little gem of a statement made by Ms. Hoffman this afternoon where she defends the use of the 'C' word. The word is so vile, that I myself in conversation with other guys while drinking and playing poker still call it the 'C' word. President Hoffman said this "it can be used towards women as a term of endearment".

Go ahead, get a glass of water. Come back and read that last sentence again. You might want to know she is talking about a rape victim. Instead of condemning the rape, or the players who raped her, or how she was treated... she defended the football players who raper her. After you have done that, pick up your phone and call your congressman to demand her resignation. Why? Because this is a public school, which means you pay her salary.

This sort of genius of public relations reminds me when Arizona Governor Evan Mecham defended his use of the term 'pickaninny' to describe blacks as a 'Term of Endearment'. True story, and he was promptly run out of office between indictments and a recall. Lemme tell you friends, this isn't about the thought police or being politically correct. This is social intolerance that belongs nowhere at no time. Now, why don't you drop her a line at elizabeth.hoffman@cu.edu and tell her what you think. Then, drop the Denver Post a line at openforum@denverpost.com I pray when you read this that it is national news and you are tired of hearing about it. Now, drop a line to the Univeristy itself here at presofc@lamar.colostate.edu If not, please send this to everyone you know. I don't even need the traffic, just copy & paste the words. Maybe give her a call at 303-492-6201, at press time (5 pm Tuesday) her voice mail was still accepting messages. Go ahead and call her, you can bill it to my house. * correction, I mis-spelled the e mail address for her. It has been corrected.

I am going into rehab*, just in case

This is the first step in recovery, announcing it. I don't even think you have to go to rehab, but you certainly have to tell people you are. That is what is totally awesome. The first, middle, and last step of recovery is announcing you are going to rehab. See, I read today that Brittney Spears is in rehab. Why? I think because she showed her vag. Me? I am staunchly pro-vag showing in public, but I am not in charge of these things. This is why I too need to go to rehab. Last month, that actor from Grey's Anatomy called his co-star a 'fag'. He did this in front of the whole cast and cameras, so it was tough to deny. Yet, genius went on TV the very next week and said 'I never called him a 'fag'. Needless to say, this isn't how you show sensitivity. So, the actor announced he was going to enter rehab... seriously. Isiah Washington entered himself into rehab for calling his co-worker a 'fag'. While I am not proud of it, I have certainly used that term as well. For me, though, it was never a reference to sexuality or hate. It is just bad Gen X slang I am trying to shake. Specifically, something like this might be said "You drank my last beer, you fag". This is not acceptable use of the vernacular, and I am not justifying it... just explaining it. For this reason, I am going to enter rehab. See, the reason are you aren't supposed to say that 'f' word isn't because you aren't supposed to say that 'f' word. The reason why you don't use that word is because it is hurtful, derogatory, and totally unnecessary. Ah, never mind the explanation... just stop using that term (same goes for 'retard'). Stop using it, and then tell people you were in rehab. Case closed!

Last week, defrocked and humiliated Reverend Ted Haggard announced he was just out of rehab. What was he being in rehab for? Being gay. True story, he went to rehab to degay and wanted everyone to know it worked. I am not gay, but certainly wouldn't kick Eddie Vedder out of bed, if you know what I mean. Clearly, I need to go to rehab as well.

Lindsay Lohan was in rehab this fall, but not for alcohol or drugs. Nope, her mommy said Lindsay didn't do drugs or alcohol. So, what was Lindsay Lohan in rehab for? 'Exhaustion'. Shit, I am tired much of the time, too. Getting out of bed sucks, especially on Mondays. Surely, rehab will fix that. No matter what you did, rehab will fix it. Well, actually it won't. Change has to come from inside. Rehab won't fix anything you aren't willing to address and change from the inside. Real rehabilitation takes a lifetime and is very painful work. However, telling people you are going to rehab is totally easier. Also works at work. See, if you do something stupid at work... just tell your boss you are going to rehab. See, once you do that... you are a protected class as a disability. Once you are a protected class, you are untouchable! It totally rocks.

Keep count now, because this is valuable info. If you are gay (Haggard), or not gay (Washington)...telling folks you are going into rehab can fix it. Like showing vag in public? You need not put on underwear... just to go rehab. Like not going out and drinking? Rehab will fix that, rehab will fix you, and it already about to fix me. Oh, I forgot about this one? Hate jews? I mean, really hate jews? There is a way to fix that... tell people you are going to rehab and they will forgive. Mel Gibson announced he was going to rehab after blaming all the world's problems on the jews. Remember Kramer from Seinfeld? Dude totally snapped and dropped more N bombs than a Chris Rock set, but then mentioned if this were another time they would all be hung. I mean, rather serious hate. Yeah, Richards announced he was doing rehab too, so I guess it doesn't count that he is a raging hateful racist.

I am not even going to discuss again what happened with the leaders of Colorado State University and the 'C' word (yes, that C word), but you can read about it here.

See, personal development is totally gay. Bettering yourself as a human through relationships and compassion sounds like a bunch of jew talk. Wearing panties is for a bunch of pussies. This is America, and if you want to be forgiven for anything, just tell us you are going to rehab, fag.

* bonus info - you need no actually go to rehab. Just stay out of the clubs for three weeks. That is all you have to do.

** urgent update > hours after this brilliant and scathing piece of genius was posted Britney Spears totally snapped. Maybe she read this piece, and I have to accept responsibility for that. She is now out of rehab (after a 12 hours stint), shaved her head, and has several neck tatoos. I couldn't even make this stuff up, folks. You can get away with a LOT of shit when you are hot and rich. Brit (I can call her that, you can't) will soon be neither.

It is not a term of endearment

I was watching Clerks 2 this weekend, and a funny political issue came up. Randal drops a 'porchmonkey' bomb on a black couple. You can imagine it doesn't go well, as he explains his grandmother used it as a 'term of endearment'. After a few minutes, Randal concedes "come to think of it, maybe she was a racist".

This is funny because it is true, and seems to have a glorious history in politics. See, I come from Arizona... the land of super bad governors. Before felon Fife Symington was around, we had Evan Mecham. Even Mecham was famous for being a racist... and almost unfairly.

I say unfairly because he was bagged as a racist for putting MLK day to a vote. Frankly, that was the prudent thing to do... and he was simply the first to do it. It went to popular vote and got voted down. Not because people didn't want an MLK day, but because crafty racists split the vote creating two issues. So, while some 70% of Arizonans wanted an MLK day, neither ballot initiative got more than 50%. This was a very very big deal. Arizona lost conventions and was threatened to have the Super Bowl pulled if they didn't pull an MLK day out of a hat.

This is why I say unfairly, now let's get to the racist part.

See, it came to light that Mecham was fond of the term 'pickaninny'. Surely, you know this as a diminutive for blacks. Mecham claimed it was a term of endearment used by his grandmother, and in no way reflected any kind of racism. Don't worry, we impeached his ass. It was for something else, but we got him.

Fast forward a few years to my new home in Colorado. As a reader, you may know I have taken issue with the leadership of Colorado University at Boulder. Here was the best part. It was found out that leadership at the school had called rape victim Katie _______ a 'cunt'. Classy, huh? The best part comes after this, though. Instead of censuring this behavior, the delightful and criminally incompetent University president Betsy Hoffman said the C word was used as a 'term of endearment in Chaucer's time'. Really? So was slavery, genius. Anyhow, thank god, she got fired.

What have we learned? Nuttin! Just this fall presidential hopeful, racist, and sister beater George Allen called a man of Indian descent 'macaca'. In brief, he called the dark skinned guy a monkey, stopping his press conference to point the guy out. Sadly, that guy almost won the election.

I guess what I am thinking is that Kevin Smith is known for the best and most racy dialogue in all of modern film. Yet, his 'porchmonkey' is hardly as offensive as what our leaders are saying.

Last thought. I work with a dude who liked to use the term 'zipperhead'. Not knowing what it meant, he said it was diminutive slang for Asians. I did some research, and that does not appear to be the case. Still, I told him if he runs for office not to use the term. Whatever 'zipperhead' means, it is surely not a term of endearment to anyone.

I wrote this a few hours ago, and have been thinking about it. Allow me to close with this. Anytime you have to qualify a comment with the words 'it is a term of endearment', it probably isn't.

Christmas songs

I love Christmas. I know we aren't allowed to say the 'C' word, which is dumb. Christmas is a cultural holiday, not a religious one. Not to me, anyhow. No sir, I am not Christian... not by a longshot. That being said, the holiday isn't based on Christ's birthday. Nope, it is widely understood and agreed that Christ was born in the Spring. December 25th is the winter solstice, which is a pagan holiday. The Christians quite resourcefully nasced it. Reference Easter for this little clever habit of absconding with pagan holidays and repurposing them. That isn't my point though. My point is that Christmas is a society wide holiday. You don't have to place it above Chanukkah or anything else... but let's not pretend that it isn't Christmas. Again, this has nothing to do with my point, which is coming right around the corner. These Christmas lyrics freak me out!

In the Meadow we can build a snowman and pretend that he is Parson Brown he'll say 'are you married' and we'll say 'no, man' but you can do the job if you're in town

Seriously, what the shit is going on here? First off, it ain't a preacher... it is a snowman. Try less LSD next time. Let's say it was a preacher, though. What business of his is it if you are married? None! We're you screwing in the snow bank? No? Then it ain't no one's business if you are married or not.

Then we have this: 'but you can do the job if you're in town'. I guess it is true what they say about marriage being devalued in our society. The choice to marry or not should be taken WAY more seriously than on the whim of a hallucinated and pushy snowman.

It took me forever to marry my wife, this was my fault. We were dating for 7 or 8 years before I proposed. Folks would often ask 'When are you two getting married?' I hated that question, because it really is a very personal question. That being said, I should have told people that I was waiting for Parson Brown. Yeah, say that... and then just stare at the yard waiting for something to happen.

What have we learned here? Well, Christmas is for everyone. A snowman is not your preacher. Take less LSD. Do not marry on the advice of a hallucination.

That being said, we might not talk before Christmas. My computer is in the basement and I can't walk. I busted my ankle and am on crutches... so might not get down to write much. Know that I love you, and have an awesome holiday. It's all good! You got family and friends and good eats ahead of you this weekend? If you don't, know that you always have me... and no you can't come over.

Head Shot

Do you know what a 'head shot' is? Of course you do. It is the 8'x10' picture of celebrities use to endorse themselves. I don't have one of these. Probably because I am not good looking, or in show business, or important. That's ok, though. I don't need one, I have you. This isn't why I write, though. This is what we call in the industry a 'set up'.

Here is the thing, I was eating a local Mexican restaurant. The food is amazing, and I suppose worthy of celebrity patronage. I know this because on their wall where you wait to be seated was several pictures of local demi celebs. You know, TV news folks and such. It got me to thinking: do these people travel with their head shots?

We must assume they do. So part two > how does this issue come up. Does a restaurant purveyor say "Aren't you lady from 9 news? Say, you got any pictures of you laying around I could put up?" That seems awfully forward, so I bet they don't. So, then, does the demi celeb say "Hey, great food. Listen, would you like a picture of me for your wall?" I have reasoned this out, and sadly been thinking about it for some time.

See, the wonderful people of this establishment barely speak a single word of English. So, it would reason they are not watching local news in English. I used to work in the restaurant business, and no one gets home before midnight. So, they surely aren't watching the news. Ted Koppel and Dan Rather could walk into this place they wouldn't know the difference. They would, however, serve them the dynamite food that I have become addicted to.

So, it would reason these demi, C list celebs, are carrying around head shots of themselves. Then, offering a signed copy to anyone with a pulse. Worse, I bet they are doing it to score a compt'd meal.